Perette's Journal: 2003

1. Perette.stateDump()

2003-00-00 journal

[I transcribed this from written notes, which didn’t have a date. I wrote these notes up to give to a counselor to start him off.]

Perette’s self perceived characteristics / status

Generally angry / irritable of late.

Mood swings - between depressed and slightly manic.

Manic levels limited by intellect. Awareness during depression that I am depressed and I should fix it, but unmotivated to do anything.

Intellect

Distracted when manic, probably because there are other things I want to do. Intellect levels nominal for self, focus recently on self-assessment and repair (ww?).

Outlook

Generally unhappy / hopeless at the state of work & world.

• Fearful of losses due to weak economy.
• Deadlocking due to fear of results of all choices, especially work related.

Interpersonal relations:

• Generally bitchy at work of late.
• Distrustful of authority figures of late.
• Don’t think people are out to get me specifically, but do think people will generally treat me badly due to not caring, inability to express / feel compassion or overcome ‘rules’ or inability to adapt to previously unencountered scenarios.
• Mixed relations with roommate. Ups: Appreciate much stuff he does. Downs: Don’t understand why he does some things. Questioning just results in both of us being pissed off. Porbably mirrored from his side almost identically. Possible co-dependency?

2. Depression, Loneliness, Frustration

2003-05-02 journal

I have been going through several months of mostly depression. Occasional states of non-feeling blah, and one manic period. I’ve been trying to figure out how to fix things, but don’t take action, so nothing gets better.

I just got back from a week vacation consisting of FCOW, a visit to mom & dad’s house, and 3 days hiking in the catskills. It’s helped me return to a state where I’m capable of doing some processing on me.

I’m worried as I see the Loonies growing apart. I feel isolated and alone. I’m aware I need to form new relationships, but don’t know where to find people I’m sufficiently interested in.

I don’t think I want to continue programming. I know I don’t want to continue programmer where I feel emotionally isolated, where I can’t have/express real emotion. I should ask Ron & Jeff how they work without expressing their feelings - but I suspect it’s just how they are.

I’m frustrated with Matthew. He’s been living with me since he was was laid off from kodak nearly 2 years ago. He does cooking, which is nice. He’ll clean, and administrate machines if I ask him… but I often have to ask multiple times, or send him an e-mail (he can’t maintain his own list of tasks). His administration also seems haphazard - he gets things to work because he toys with them, not because he understands them. Asking about things makes him grumpy.

I built a video editor based on his recommendations. It started being purchased 6 months ago, and still isn’t right. Cinelerra crashes a lot, the capture drivers and libraries are unstable. Adding a second monitor was an exercise in creating problems. I was wary of on-motherboard video, he was certain it would be okay but with the second card problems arise. I’ve edited a few things, but it’s much more agitating than it needs to be.

The losers at Linux Media Labs have also been unhelpful… They pretty much do nothing unless I call them and insist they stay on the line. They didn’t respond to my latest e-mail asking about a code fix, and kept the card for repair much longer than necessary.

I’ve wanted to rebuild the Hack Show and get something going around that… but it seems to be failing.

I’ve been considering communications methods. My conclusion is that e-mail has some real problems. Companies (mostly) consider it important and respond to mail. Individuals, however, tend to think it’s not important and don’t respond to it.

On top of that, spam filters eat a lot of mail without bouncing it (or so I am suspicious). So, I’m thinking about what this means.

3. Ten years after Transition: Who am I?

2003-06-26 journal

[Retrieved from Model 100 @ Friday Jun 27 08:08:54 EDT 2003]

It’s about 10.5 years since I finally moved into “going to transition now” phase. February 1, 1993, was the first time I was mam’ed. February 2, I changed my name. Just about 10 years ago, plus or minus a few days, I went on hormones.

So, here I am, 10 years later being restless with my life. Wondering who I am, sometimes what I am. Who I want to be, who I think I should be. It’s not just my gender that has me thinking, it’s my spiritual side too. My attitude toward society. The way the Trans community treats each-other, and how this is similar/different from mainstream society.

So, I’m going to write this. It’s a summary of who I am now, with commentary on how I got here, and maybe some thoughts on where this is leading me. Or something like that.

And, dang it, this Model 100 really does have a sweet keyboard. I’ll miss it if I upgrade to a laptop.

Who am I now?

Well, I’m Perette, a post-op transsexual. I identified as transgender for a while, but in the last year or two I feel like I’m settling down into a bisexual female identity. I think this time, I’m settling down because I feel comfy here, not because I’ve gotten lazy. That’s been a problem in the past, I find an identity that’s okay, take it on, and then get stuck there. Then I get disturbed when I start feeling oppressed because there’s not enough room in the identity.

I have been a Wicca, but I’m not sure what I am now. I think I have a year to decide. I have studied Mormon ways, and determined that although they have some cool doctrine, there are other parts that are incompatible with my philosophies.

My set of close friends is mostly the same, but there are a few new ones and a few whom I have grown away from, often because they moved away and I don’t keep up long-distance friendships. I sometimes think I should make more effort to maintain these relationships, but there is so much going on with me and near me and around me that I choose to take part in, that there isn’t much time for the distant relationships. There have been many new relationships forged here in the last year: One, a fellow Jazz fan; several Kink folks; and a few acquaintances through orienteering.

Despite all the friends, I’ve been considering leaving Rochester. In part, the economy is very bad here and I think I may be forced to leave if I lose my job. I will miss the friends I have here, but amongst the close friends here I have grown away. Yet, at least for Kage and Jan, recent events leave the possibility of rebuilding the closeness again.

There are new relationships forming with Kink folks, as I experiment with kink in my life. I enjoy getting to know people, but still feel a little awkwardness in the way I interact. I think a lot of the awkwardness is uncertainty as to how to deal with people when so much is unspoken, and I fear myself misinterpreting, being oblivious, or incorrectly projecting the unspoken. I try hard to be forthright, but I fear I’m still far from communicating the way I’d like.

It’s very hard to be the person one wants to be.

Even going out and meeting people while listening to Jazz is very difficult for me. I don’t want to barge in on anyone with a group. Individual men often seem to expect that chatting with a woman for a while means sex. Individual women are rare, they usually travel in packs; and knowing this fact makes me feel a bit more out of place because I’m doing it alone. Yet, if I want to go see Jazz, I can do it alone or not do it, because none of my friends (despite claiming they want to) will ever go see Jazz, because they’ve got too many other things they’re interested in happening in their lives.

At work, I’ve got coworkers I go to lunch with, and they’ve even displayed some level of worry about me when I’ve been in a depression (the lack of sun this last winter was brutal) but I still feel alone. While they’re nice guys, there is no one to rely on, no one to ask for help, no one to ask for a second opinion or to help unjam my brain when I’ve gotten stuck. So alone I am, at the top of the heap.

Work-wise, I’ve changed. I used to have a sense of honor about wanting to get stuff done, now I could care less. I go to work, do as little as I can, and get paid alternating Thursdays. The less I do, the less chance somebody’s going to stick me something that’s even worse than the last. I feel like my bosses don’t listen, and can’t understand when they do. Some of my coworkers try, but are clueless; several don’t even seem to try or have just fundamentally incompatible ideas about how to make good software. Yet, it pays the bills, and now that I don’t try and don’t care, I somehow get by.

Up until recently I couldn’t not care. If I didn’t care, everything seemed pointless, so I’d just go scuttling into a depression. Somehow, I’ve avoided that trap this time, maybe by devoting my interest to other things.

Ten years ago, I was still definitely a geek. Today, I feel more and more like I’m turning into a muggle. I like my computers to do stuff I want, but hate spending any more time maintaining them than I want to. I don’t want to administrate systems at all, I want them to just work. I don’t want to have to fight to compile things, I want to just install the software. If I have to spend money to get things to work right, that’s okay with me as long as it works well. (From a capitalistic point of view, I now subscribe to the division of labor.)

So how did I get here?

Well, I’m a geek, or at least, I was a geek. From sixth grade on through college, I was good with knowledge and ideas, but not social graces. I got along with adults, because they saw me as trying to build my skills through education. I was doing what I was supposed to do, because learning clearly-defined stuff is easy. You can read a book, read the explanation, and know the answer. Unlike social stuff, where it’s all unwritten and people just look at you weird and talk behind you and leave you out when you don’t understand the rules and how to fit in.

Then I came out.

Not much changed. Okay, I tried really hard to fit in by emulating the gay men around me, but I think I failed miserably. I emulated, but still didn’t understand the rules, and I still felt empty.

Then I went to Rocky Horror.

That helped a little. There were weirdoes, doing weirdo things and not seeming to care what the world though. I visited Rocky a lot that year, and the next summer joined the show. It turns out the weirdoes did do what they wanted to do, and were just bizarre and didn’t seem to have a model to work from. Still confused, but ruling out things I wasn’t one by one, I continued for a year and futzing with my identity. By this point, I was pretty sure I was transsexual, but was still unsure when I should change, how to go about it, and where to get approval to do it.

Then, I got mental hygiened.

The story there could be long and sordid, but in summary, it was a kick in the ass and an awakening that, in retrospect, did me a wonder of good and probably directed a lot of who I am today. In 24 hours, I went from depressed, suicidal person who expected counselors to tell me how to do this, to a pissed off, distrusting person who was tired of people bullshitting me around.

4. I want to hurt them all

2003-08-21 22:16 journal

I am traveling east from Rochester to Boston to join up with the Looney Reunion for this year. Afterwards, I’m going to do some hiking on the AT and then finally visit friends in Connecticut for a few days.

I’ve been particularly bold today.

First, whilst stopping at Dick’s sporting goods near Eastview to get some AT maps of NH/VT, this woman came driving in and while talking on a cell phone, sans-handsfree set. When she got out, I approached and asked why, if she could afford an SUV and monthly cell service, she couldn’t afford a hands-free set. She gave me this look like, “You’re just a wacko and I’m just going to smile like I’m above you, because I’m better than you.” She refused to answer my question, so I called her a bitch and stormed off.

Second, whilst going east into the Utica area, I got stuck in traffic jam. It flowed slowly, but the lanes moved mostly equally and there wasn’t any jockeying for position. After about a half-hour, this one asshole in a Sebrine drives by on the shoulder and pulls in just ahead (I was approaching the accident). I pulled off the Utica exit, and saw him just coming through the cash lane so I followed him. He went to a bar, and I considered just going over and keying the side of his car really good to get him back. The superego won, so I went in an found him and explained that this kind of thing is going to cause the whole thing to deteriorate into a territorial turf-war on the road, but I don’t know that he cared.

It’s coming to the time people need to die.

I want it to happen. I want to kill these fuckers. I want to smash their fucking greedy little bastard heads in. But it’s illegal, and I’ve got this really strong lawful alignment. It’s incredibly frustrating, because they’re taking advantage because they aren’t lawful and therefore they don’t have to play by the same rules.

But if they don’t obey the rules, do I need to obey the rules? They don’t, so what if I don’t? Then I get to hurt them, or their property, to make them pay for breaking the law. But in doing so, I’m breaking the law.

Furthermore, thinking on a larger scale, this brings up regulation: I could regulate myself to just hurt people that do illegal things, because I’m lawful. I obey the rules because, usually, they make sense and provide order. If they’re justifiably stupid, then okay, push back on them in a controlled manner… But these people are just turning things to their advantage.

This needs to get fixed.

So I’m stopped in this crappy little Rodeway Inn on the east side of Albany. The fucker at the front desk lied to me, saying this was the last room. Then someone else came in, asked for a room and - what do you know? - there was another one. I ought to break something for them for lying.

Or carve “Liar” into something.

I need to unwind. Hopefully the hike will do some good. Time for a cool shower and a climb into bed.

5. The purpose of laws, the problem of laws

2003-08-22 00:50 journal insightful

Lying in bed, I’ve been thinking about lawfulness.

Lawfulness relies on people accepting the social contract, and therefore works on the assumption that people will generally follow the laws. To be part of society, you give up certain options in life to be compliant with the expectations of society. If you break the rules of the society, the society will punish you in some way. With laws this is clear: break the law, pay the fine/go to jail.

But this reliance on laws depends on there being enough regulation ability to locate the majority of those that choose to disobey the rules and punish them. Some percent of criminals may get away with things, but if they repeat crimes then the expectation is they will be caught fairly quickly.

However, we’re now in a state where breaking rules is a regular thing. Everyone regularly breaks the speed limit; I’m no exception. Aggressive driving is the norm. Failing to signal lane changes, tailgating, driving while using a cell phone without handsfree all occur so frequently, they’re ignored. The regulation agencies - the police - are so busy dealing with drug related issues, breaking up domestic squabbles, etc., that less important stuff ends up unregulated.

But laws, being important enough to be written, would seem by reason to have all equal weights. The nature of the crime may have be a continuum: killing someone seems worse than stealing a bit of cheese from a store, and so deserves more punishment. However, the state of crime/no crime is a boolean. Both murder and stealing require detection and punishment of criminals to reduce the likelihood of the crimes being repeated.

But, we don’t have adequate regulation of crimes – therefore, attention is paid not evenly to the full range of crimes, but instead is focused on “worse” crimes - those with a higher value on the nature of crime continuum. Thus, there is less regulation (detection and punishment) of those committing “trivial” crimes. With the lack of negative feedback, there is no reason for these people to change there behaviour. Therefore, over time the number of people committing trivial crimes increases.

6. Stealing a coffee maker

2003-08-22 08:06 journal

Well, I decided that the way to punish that fucker that lied to me was to swipe his coffee maker. I left the window open for plausible deniability.

This is the first time I’ve ever stolen anything, I think. And it feels good to return the favor of being abused. I dunno what I’ll do with it, maybe keep it for when mom & dad visit, or give it to mom & dad, or sell it on ebay (logical because I could recoup the extra cost of room due to the bad negotiating position caused by their lie).

I should pay cash more often.

7. It's bad. Very bad. This can't go on.

2003-09-22 09:41 State dump journal

My mind is failing. I am detecting memory failures, inaccurate conclusions, and irrational decisions.

I am stressed by living with Matthew.

I don’t want to program at my job anymore. I want a rest. A long rest, like 6 months.

Aggression and general emotional volatility is up. Last week I was feeling like I just wanted to smash everything at work. I have requested a transfer to manufacturing in hopes that it might be able to let my mind rest in the way it needs to.

Household tasks are not getting done. The house is getting messier as a result.

I am not exercising enough.

Emotions:

• Lonely
• Pissed off? I think so, at the world because I still feel screwed by it.

Some children on Jan’s street were making rude comments about my gender. This creates an interesting problem: logic dictates I should hurt them to discourage their behavior, but they are children and so somehow it seems inappropriate.

8. An unenforced law is meaningless

2003-09-29 15:24 journal

The normal order of things for mammals is hierarchical. Mammals are territorial, and the dominant ones assert their dominance by fighting their way up the hierarchy.

The social contract indicates that by being part of society, we will give up this aggressive hierarchical order in favor of what is claimed to be equality, but in reality is a hierarchy of prestige and wealth. Those with wealth (and usually prestige, though prestige can operate on its own to a lesser extent) can use their wealth to direct those who are not wealthy.

In addition to an agreement to non-aggression, the social contract also indicates that society’s members will obey other laws of the society. These rules fall into several categories: laws of living, laws of protocol, blame-establishing laws, laws of the game.

The laws of living are an attempt to enforce sensible behavior, which would often be common-sense. They prevent idiotic behavior which is dangerous to others by making it illegal. Though some of these are superfluous or arbitrary, many are backed by statistics which show that a particular behavior results in danger to others. Examples of these laws: do not tailgate, do not use a hand-held cell phone while driving, requiring operational head and tail lights for night-time driving, requiring medical facilities to use sterile needles, building codes to the extent that they require work to be well-crafted and safe.

Laws of protocol provide a set of rules which govern the way society members should interact with each other, thus providing a protocol which people may use to understand each other’s behavior. Examples: Using turn signals when driving, requiring operational brake lights, keeping right (or left) on the road, building codes where they indicate a particular standard way to construct something that it might be understood by someone at a later time.

Blame-establishing laws make illegal a particular action to prevent some semi-unrelated problem. This is often done because a law to prevent the semi-unrelated problem is too difficult to regulate. For example, since it it is illegal to get out of the traffic side of a parallel parked vehicle, we avoid the issue of determining whether to blame the pedestrian (who may have failed to check his mirror before opening his door) or the driver of a passing car (who should have seen the pedestrian getting out of his car, but wasn’t paying attention) is responsible for an accident involving sudden, unskilled removal of a car door.

The laws of the game are often set by the rich and powerful, or by some union or association of the less powerful who combine to affect change. These laws are to the detriment of those without who would like to “climb the ladder” of the hierarchy. The laws create a bureaucracy which makes it unnecessarily difficult for individuals to enter a line of work, thus ensuring a limited number of practitioners and higher wages for those who do practice. Examples: regulation of the massage industry, building codes establishing a minimum square-footage for building in a region.

9. Where the hell am I going?

2003-09-29 23:14 journal

For my consideration:

The reason it is necessary to hurt others is because this has seemed the most effective method of ensuring that others do not hurt me. By being the “alpha dog”, I ensure that the weaker fear me. However, this is also scary for others and therefore, though they do not hurt me, they remain confused and uneducated.

We must consider whether others are capable of being educated. If they are not, then it is reasonable to continue the present methodology. However, based on prior experiences when I’ve been very open about things (Rocky Horror, at most of my jobs, RIT, etc.) I make a considerable amount of difference by simply being open and sharing my experiences with others.

There may be a backlash going on here as I’ve broken free of the timelines and am no longer required to fulfill a destiny as a prophet. I am certainly no longer required to live to prophet standards, I think it unlikely that becoming a total bitch and kickin' everyone’s ass is going to do anywhere near the amount of education (good) that I’ve done by being open and friendly and nice.

In other news, I’ve concluded that I have no operational conscience at present. Obeying laws is done solely by transaction, in that I comply only to prevent myself being caged. This indicates that I’ve made the shift from lawful neutral to true neutral, and even a little toward chaotic evil. Again, the results of being self-interested as required of a Satanist is questionable. I think here we may have an imbalance with the proper implementation of Satanism, though; I should be interested not only in my self but my friends. Those unknown should be treated with the respect an unknown deserves, and those that hurt me should be destroyed. However, by choosing to destroy those that harm me, I also scare away those who are in the unknown/ neutral state, because they will probably only see that I harm some and will not understand why.

If indeed I have overshot true neutral in favor of chaotic evil, then it seems reasonable that this is antithesis, and that synthesis shall occur soon. We must ensure that this occurs, that I reach true neutral, which logic dictates is the correct balancing point on the alignment scale if I wish to balance my needs against those for compliance with the social contract.

Analysis of present status has concluded that prolonged stress created a state of chronic anxiety. Research shows that repeated exposure to a stressful, anxiety-causing situation or situations causes mammals to anticipate the anxiety when repeating the activity, thus raising their anxiety level and effectively operating like a latching positive-feedback loop.

While I was a closer to the Goddess, and possibly in the queue to become prophet, my beliefs were generally that things would be taken care of. However, as my connection to deity has dissipated, and my belief structure has been brought into question, I have lacked a possible escape from the pressures of daily life. There being no method to stop the anxiety, I entered a state of depression and have been there since.

The solution to the problem is three fold: first, get me out of the depression; second, eliminate the source of the anxiety (significantly job, or so I presently believe); and third, break the anxiety feedback loop and allow the mind and body to recover.

Continued operation of the mind is good, as we now have a diagnosis. Components of the depression may be our feeling trapped at Heidelberg, our grim outlook on life, loneliness, and probably some other stuff. We must address these. Position change has already been requested through Heidelberg, we must ensure that this occurs in short order that we do not continue to feel trapped. If the request is denied, we must find a course of action to repair this and eliminate my needing to work there. The anxiety loop will be a problem to break, but it will ease as external anxiety is diminished. Since the mind and body are linked, if we are able to correct sleep issues it may reduce the anxiety, thus breaking the feedback and unlatching.

10. If not software, what next? And cuddly women.

2003-10-11 19:15 journal

I am at Blackfriar’s at the moment, waiting for The Foreigner to start. Today, I went for a long bike ride and brought gear for camping in case I wanted to just go and camp somewhere and return tomorrow, but when I got a few miles south of Mendon I turned back and came home.

I am still definitely broken. My mind is still jamming, and I broke down in tears at work Wednesday so they told me to take Thursday and Friday off. Some stress – that around me during social situations – seemed alleviated, but may be returning after events of yesterday.

Since I had Thursday and Friday off, I took the time to look into alternate careers. I checked out the half-dollar Thursday, in case I want to do dancing, and it seems like a nice place and the dancers are friendly. I dropped off an application Friday, and expected an audition but Lilly indicated the position had been filled. I got the feeling that something was wrong, though; but I don’t know what. Maybe I should have flirted with people while waiting for her? I don’t really know. I’m confused about it and, at some level, feel rejected/defective like I did something wrong so I’m being punished.

I’ve been spending some nights with Sue and Amanda since Matt is gone. I enjoy the time with them, but still I see myself maintaining some level of separation.

I’ve had a bloody annoying headache for several days now, too, and it won’t go away. I suspect it’s either a result of stress or some psychosomatic thing made up by my mind to get me to acknowledge I need external help.

Which I’ve been thinking about. I don’t know, though; I believe I understand the problems, and the crux of the matter is I need to change jobs and before I take another programming job I need to have downtime to unwind, relax, and recover. Unfortunately, it’s hard getting something else that pays okay and I am unwilling to leave my existing job without a safety net in the current economic conditions.

Which is leading me to just wanting to run away. Which would leave me alone, thus putting me in a worse state. I need to solve this. I think this means that aspect 8.2, fiint, isn’t working correctly.

But I like fuschia, she is cuddly.

11. Where I am failing at work

2003-10-12 00:00 journal

• I am not able to acclimate to the number of new projects which have been assigned to me.

• As a result, I have gathered procedures to cookbook changes to the code. I then follow the procedures to make changes, because I can not learn/analyse how to make changes correctly.

• This results in problems, such as with PSAU. I then find it frustrating when I get a PR against the software, because I still don’t know how it works. My feeling is that either

• I should take the time to learn the code so I can make changes with understanding of effects, and get things correct the first time. But, so much is needed from me that I can’t make the time (but it’s a motivation thing too).

• Things should be done by the person who knows how to do them.

• I find pretty much the entire management team to be a bunch of frustrating idiots. I don’t understand the bureaucracy around me and my frustration with it has, in recent weeks, lead my to just ignore requests from it as much as possible.

• The code I work on suffers badly from edit fatigue.

• There are a lot of old, deprecated features that the management team refuses to allow removal of. Having to keep the old code, even though there are newer ways of doing stuff, prevents code complexity reduction. (Examples: preventing removal of scanner now that ImageSmart can replace it).

• There are a lot of little, badly over-complex features. Such as the grafted-on storage manager that creates a fake filesystem. Having to support all that code for some lame illusion of security is, IMNSHO, a waste of our time.

• The product is a result of a mish-mash of design, which little effort to take a clear direction in how to evolve the product. Such as, this new database thing we’ve added adds to the complexity of our product. It’s now a thing we need to support forever. If someone controlled this, and said, `Yes, we’ll do the database but by next release we’re going to get rid of all these random settings files in favor of keeping things in the database, getting rid of all the crap necessary to support the settings files and easing the updating of settings between releases', then it would be okay. But it’s not that way, it’s just a new chunk of code that needs to be supported in perpetuity in addition to all the old code. It’s the Lava Software Development Cycle, it just keeps getting bigger and bigger, and harder and harder to lug around.

• The code suffers badly from cut-and-paste coding, which is absolutely unacceptable and causes immediate frustration which leads to depression because

  • It’s not just a small amount.

  • Reading cut-and-paste code is really boring, which makes it really difficult.

  • I feel like I’m not supposed to fix it.

  Examples I’ve seen are PSAU, OEM, LionHeart code.

• I feel my productivity has dropped off significantly in the last year, and especially in the last few months. I believe my present behavior is to do as little as possible, which is the behavior which I believe most people normally exhibit. I think this corresponds to a shift in my mindset from a belief that I can change things, to the perspective that I can do nothing to change the direction. I think this came about as a result of my Solaris 9/UTF-8 proposal being shot down by Calabrese last year.

• Much of the stuff I do is not understood by others. Especially with kernel components, there is no one to go to when I need help. Questions to Greg Huber often went unanswered, which was better than Ron Graham who didn’t even understand the question. There is only reading the man page and trying things, and when these two data points don’t agree I feel helpless, backed into a corner.

So in summary, where are we?

• I’ve hit a scaling issue in my head. I can’t/won’t take on more with a true understanding.

• I fail to see a direction that leads to quality, which doesn’t inspire me.

• Even worse, I think our direction leads to crap, which leads to dissatisfaction, frustration/anxiety, and depression in me.

• The only reason I keep going to work is for money.

• I don’t understand why I don’t get fired, because I don’t think I do $70K worth of labor anymore.

• I often feel very isolated at work.

12. Tolerance

2003-10-13 13:37 journal

I need to work on being less intolerant.

13. I want to be alone

2003-10-30 02:27 journal

Shit it’s late. I shouldn’t be up this late, but I’ve been thinking. And sorting.

I’ve been considering hiking the AT next year if I haven’t got my head on straight by then. I’m not certain about it though, as I am reminded of how lonely I get on even short hikes. On the other hand, I’d be hiking north with many other hikers, so maybe I’d make some friends.

But making friends assumes I get over my tendency to be a wall-flower, and keep to myself.

I mentioned the idea of an AT hike to Sue, and we’re going to talk more. I suspect she’s got so many other irons in the fire, she won’t do it.

I continue to be fucked up in the head, so I quit my job. I’ve started looking for new work, and even applied to the Rochester Police job that I’ve been thinking about since last year. A year ago, I think I had less reservations; this year, in light of all my too-much thinking about social contracts and what laws mean to us all, I don’t know… But, I’ve applied, which means I can take the test, which means the option is open. And open options are good right now.

So is my head on any straighter now that I’m out of work? Too early to tell, but I’m not in that numb-mind fog thing that I’ve been feeling at work.

The headaches I’ve been having – Sue’s furnace just got checked out, it’s got a cracked heat exchanger. First symptom of carbon monoxide exposure: Low Exposure - slight headache and/or shortage of breath during moderate physical activity. So maybe that’s been the source, or a contributing factor.

Sleep…

14. Samhain Eve

2003-10-31 18:52 journal

So it’s Samhain, Hallows Eve, Halloween. It’s the first nice Halloween in many years, so on this Friday night as I wait for trick-or-treaters I am on my stoop with a bowl of candy, a glass of nice sparkling grape juice, a good stick, and my book of shadows. I’m taking time to read the book, and see where I’m going off the Wiccan path.

Blessed is this Day,
for I have been granted the gift of life.

Blessed is this Life,
for I have been gifted with Love.

Blessed is this Life,
for I have been gifted with Sustenance.

Blessed is this Life,
for I have learned Wisdom.

Blessed is this Day,
for my Spirit stands in the Light.

Blessed is this Day,
for my feet still walk my path.

Blessed am I,
for I stand in the center of the Wheel,
and I am balanced.
-- author unknown

I wrote this in my book because it reminded me of the essential, important things in life which are easy to forget about. But now… I feel like my wisdom has gone wrong somewhere, and either abandoned me or turned on me. My spirit doesn’t stand in the Light, and my feet walk a path… but I don’t think it’s a path I should be on. And I am certainly not balanced. But I do have life, love, and sustenance for the moment.

Moroni 7.5: For I remember the word of God which
saith by their works ye shall know them; for if
their works be good, then they are good also.

If the things I do terrify people to prevent them harming me, then I am terrifying. Is this the way I want?

This spell, “The Spell of the Comb and the Mirror” from Kalifornia. It’s a beautifully crafted work, but not the kind of magic I usually use. It’s too self-power gathering, and can’t be good for me. Not at present. But since I did cast this, what do I need to do to handle the power I’ve gathered?

The tenets of Satanism are at issue too. It teaches taking power by force and education by pain, but I don’t completely agree. Sometimes, yes, this may be necessary, but some people are willing to learn, and now I’m back at the point that people aren’t going to learn to play nice if I’m an ass-kicking bitch. They’ll just learn that power is taken by those who take it by force, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

15. Mood improvement, but struggling spiritually

2003-11-03 23:50 journal

Sue has noted my mood is improving, which I’ve felt too. Still, I’m not quite right. I think the problem is that, while I’ve got some hope of getting out of the rut I’ve been in, I’m not certain about not falling in another pit. Also, on a larger scale, I don’t have a lot of hope for the world at large. I think that’s the real missing piece.

The spell I cast, the dark magick - I wonder how much of the problems around me were caused, in part, by my actions. If directly, then the spell I cast screwed things up. Indirectly, casting the spell took its toll on me. Me going nuts must make people worried about me, and thereby took its toll on my friends. And so it worked, starting with me at the epicenter. Still, not everyone was affected, such as Jan and Shaw.

And even wondering about this, faith and the logic are feuding in my head. Faith argues the evidence I see that magick works, that the universe isn’t purely random and the chaos is skewed in some way (evidence Beldandi playing J. Geils band "Piss On the Wall while talking about Jan’s cats pissing in his study during D&D last week). Logic argues my mind is looking for the pattern in the chaos, and finding it because I ignore the chaos in the chaos; the Eristic illusion and the Aneristic illusion. I feel torn in two by these.

16. Emotional state dump

2003-11-12 00:59 diary journal

Two days from now, I’m going in for psych evaluation. So, this entry is sort of a core dump for him to work with.

Mood has been improving since I quit my job. I’m still nervous about lack of income/economic issues, but mom & dad seem to be supportive and it sounds like there’s some backup there if stuff goes really wrong.

I have enough funding to last a few months, depending on how careful I am with spending.

I am experimenting with doing body rubs/dominatrix work as a source of income. I’ve placed a advert in City, and gotten several responses but only hired twice. The first client was really nice, and I think he really enjoyed the body rub; it felt like he responded well. I think the second would have been better off hiring a prostitute; he wasn’t responsive to sensual touch and really wasn’t interested in it either. Considering setup costs, it’s maybe barely at break-even at the moment, and in the longer term the business needs more capital dumped in it for advertising and purchasing gear to expand the range of scenes I can do.

With the nice first client, it felt like I was doing energy work. In general, my connection to magick/diety has felt like it’s being restored.

I’m uncertain of how much capital is wise to invest in this venture, and when I should give up and go find menial work. It could pay okay, if I could built a clientele, but it looks difficult to do so. A lot of customers want me to have an in-call service, but I wonder how many would actually come if I made it happen.

My sex drive is low, although Amanda and I had sex twice this past weekend (she is quite the sex-pot). I did go up to the AB/DL play-party that was supposed to happen in Kingston, but the folks running it never showed up so I hung out with Chris and Jay who came from Toronto. I enjoyed watching a lunar eclipse on the way home. I took the trip easy, stopping frequently and playing with my AB/DL side. I managed to get myself enough worked up that I managed 3 or 4 orgasms in short order when I got home.

I’m concerned about the rationality in my mind. I believe I’m going about all this rationally, but I can’t quite shake the fear I’m not thinking right. Or maybe I’m executing some self- destructive plan.

17. Joining the medicated masses

2003-11-14 14:23 journal

I saw the psychiatrist I was referred to today. I get the feeling he’s a prescription-happy type, but that he is likely to have made an accurate assessment of my condition, albeit on questionable consideration of my thought process. I mean, I don’t think like most people, because I’m smarter and more truthful about the way I view the world than many people. The multiple aspects of me look at the world and argue about what things mean, rather than accepting the first thing that comes to mind. I doubt this is the way most people think, but if it’s different, is it wrong?

So, with trepid thoughts, I’m starting to take Lamictal (lamotrigine) and some this Abilify crap (aripiprazole) that’s supposed to help sleep. I don’t know why I need Abilify, as I’ve been sleeping better since I quit my job. But he gave me a sample, so I guess I can try it for a week and see what it does.

18. Considering if meds are really a good idea...

2003-11-15 11:06 journal

I didn’t take the sleepy stuff last night, as I crashed at Sue and Amanda’s and hadn’t brought it with me.

I’m still concerned about Galbreath-sensei’s decision. Though I think the conclusion that I’m exhibiting bipolar symptoms is correct, I’m still questioning whether I’m at clinical levels (though probably). I think his opinion is based on a gestalt, so though there is some bad data in it, the overall result is still correct. My big concerns are:

• He’s looking at changes in my personality/exhibited behaviors, and expecting they are caused by chemical imbalances. However, many of these changes are a result of reading The Wealth of Nations and The Satanic Bible, both of which have a brutal outlook on the world. From these, I’ve inherited a more brutal (and often more realistic) way of looking at things.

• He’s looking at my struggles with / choices to harm others as chemical imbalances. However, I see this as a struggle of me to figure out how to exist in a world that I now am looking at through a different lens.

• He’s probably seeing my choice to quit my job as something irrational, and done without a fully rational decision. In reality, the choice was the result of a gestalt of the difficulties I was having there, not a single one; so to explain my choice is difficult. In simple form, though, Heidelberg was perceived as the biggest problem in my life, and a bigger problem than not having income. Therefore, eliminating it from my life was the solution.

At the same time, I can see where my difficulty with explaining my gestalt for leaving Heidelberg is a similar difficulty to him explaining why I should be on meds. It’s a combination of reasons based on experience, and so finding minor errors in the gestalt isn’t going to change the overall view. I guess my concern, though, is that I perceive these to have been major things in my life over the last while, and therefore expect these to be major contributors to his gestalt of me, and there I wonder if his gestalt could be tainted.

19. Meds, sleep, work and web pages

2003-11-20 11:50 journal

So I’m a bit early for my electrolysis appointment, and I figured I’d do a journal entry. Doing so raised a question: When did I begin to start journal entries like an episode from BOFH?

I slept home last night, and since Abilify is over at Sue & Amanda’s I skipped it. I slept okay. So, the evidence is looking good that Abilify disturbs my sleep, making me restless.

My business is doing mediocre: it’s not making a huge profit, but it is bouncing around the break-even point. I did a session yesterday with a guy who does body rubs, and he indicated that mine are very relaxing, and he thought I should do well. It was cool, being able to talk with someone else doing this to see how they handled things.

I’m still trying to sign up with DPF to be registered as an AB/DL sitter, which would be helpful on the dominatrix side of the business.

I’ve been improving the web page, even using CSS and HTML 4.01. The changes to HTML for 4.0 really fix a lot of stuff, and CSS allows layouts in a sane way that simply weren’t possible before (and you don’t have to use tables for layout!).

I started eating into savings today to pay bills, rather than working out of existing checking balance. Hopefully, the business starts turning a nominal profit soon to reduce the burn rate. However, I’m going out of town for Thanksgiving, so that will be 2 weeks of (probably) no income.

Sounds like it’s time to be electrocuted.

20. Medications and recovery

2003-11-23 16:46 (Sunday) journal

The feeling the medication is giving me is that I’m starting to have I/O bandwidth again. For a long duration, since I started hitting high stress levels due to high load average, I’ve felt like my available input bandwidth has been lowered, and I’ve had to focus what little I’ve had on one sense at a time. It now feels like it’s opened up, and on the drive to Connecticut I was able to listen to the music while driving, instead of just driving while having music playing.

21. Reflecting on deep hack mode

2003-11-25 15:54 (Tuesday) journal

I was doing some hacking on my M4/HTML package earlier today, and noticed that hacking shuts down all I/O except for what I’m concentrating on. It feels good, for a duration. I noticed I was doing it when Brenda, Mom, and Amanda were chatting heavy about other stuff I wasn’t so excited about. I wonder if deep hack mode has been a way of shutting down I/O so I can survive, as I respond poorly to too excessive I/O activity. Not definite, need to think about it.

22. Lawfulness

2003-11-27 17:53 (Thursday) journal

I’ve been thinking about lawfulness, and my school journal from 1978–1979. Even there, I can see my questioning / confusion at a system where I’m not in power, and there are a set of rules which I’m obeying and yet I’m being punished.

I remember once back in kindergarten, Ms. DiGeorgio told us to stay in our seats until she returned. I stayed in my seat until she returned, then got up and asked her a question. I was punished for breaking the rules, which I didn’t understand and pissed me off because I didn’t break the rules. Of course, I had to just accept the punishment. And the fact that I remember such a trivial incident, and in such a clear way, means that this was something I found to be important.

Clearly, I am lawful in a way that isn’t normal. Most people just break the law, with a self-made judgment to determining whether they think it’s okay or not, whether or not they will accept the risk of punishment or not. I’ve been running my my dominatrix business in a lawful way, yet… darn it, should I be more willing to break the law? I could get more customers if I’m willing to push the prostitution law. I guess I’m being academic, because I don’t want the risk anyway. Yet, I find myself pondering the question on principles.

Turkey day went okay. I got to spend time with Patrick today. Dad is more openly aggressive against Grandma Kuehl’s opinions.

23. 15th Class Reunion

2003-11-30 00:32 (Sunday) journal

I’ve just returned from my 15th year class reunion. It was fun. About 40 people from the class made it, with a disproportionate number of girls / women attending. Surprisingly, several of the people I had talked to and who expressed some interest in the reunion didn’t show up. Furthermore, I was the only one from electronics shop that made it, the lame bastards. I remembered most of the women there, although a few I didn’t recognize and a few I couldn’t remember names on the spot. I found the guys were much harder. I guess a lot of the guys held little interest for me in high school, so it’s hard to recognize them. Even looking at the yearbook, there are a few people who I remember seeing them around, but don’t remember their names or anything.

Looking at all the guys, showing signs of aging and balding reminded me of how blessed I am that I have been able to go the transsexual route, and be me, and how wonderful I am and my life is. I mean, I’m not one of them, but I could have been, and thinking of living that life stirs my guts.

A couple of the wives found me interesting, and we chatted a while. Matt J. is kinda transphobic… not violent or mortal fear, he just seems nominally afraid of me, like he’ll catch it; I should have tormented him more. Anyway, his wife Patty and I hit it off and we exchanged e-mail addresses.

Tammy D. is hoping that someone else will run the 20th reunion, as it’s a pain in the ass. It should go easier, because the deltas over 4 years (when planning should start, from now) should be a lot less than 14. Plus, more people should be signed up for the classmate sites by then. So maybe I’ll do it, if I’m not going nuts then.

That apology I’ve been wanting to make it to Danielle - I got to make it, so that’s off my stupidly-long-guilt-feelings queue. I’m such an idiot sometimes.

I found out Marcus Lane died in a motorcycle accident. Sad, he was cool. Rob C. said he had a good time with Up With People, and was able to visit 14 countries on the tour. He claims it was the best $9,000 he ever spent… I kinda wish I had done it, as it would have been a fun, mind-expanding, unique experience.

So tomorrow I will return to Rochester and the grind of trying to become a dominatrix, or a police officer, or getting maybe getting a cart pushing job, or maybe something completely different, or some combination of the above. Life is weird, but good.

24. Civil servants exam

2003-12-06 22:04 (Saturday) journal

Today I took the civil servant’s exam for the Rochester Police Department. It felt like I did okay, but I won’t get a grade back for 3 to 4 months. Then, if I’ve passed the test, they do a background investigation and some sanity checks, which is most likely where I’ll fail, especially if they read my 2003 public journal. I’ll also get a medical exam and some physical tests.

The body rub business is not generating work this week. I am planning to put a dominatrix advert into Freetime, and hopefully this will get a different selection of customers versus the body rub advert in City. I’ve been looking into liability insurance, and noting a few spaces to rent should I decide to start an in-call service. Still, I’m resistant to signing a year lease for an experimental business. Maybe I can get a shorter (3-month?) lease?

Chemically, the Abilify has been making me feel like shit. When I take it at night, I sleep restlessly, waking up every few hours, so I’m tired the next day. When I take it in the morning, it makes me fatigued for several hours. So, I’m not taking it because I feel better without it. I’ll have to talk to sensei about it.

I think, though I’m feeling more alive, there is still another layer of emotion that is still not on-line. I felt it briefly today with Kage, a wave of pure, intense love, something I haven’t felt in a long time.

25. Where is my life going?

2003-12-10 18:14 (Wednesday) journal

I’ve got enough funds to last 4–5 months at current spending levels. I’ve been looking at a space for the dominatrix business, so I could do in-calls, but that would eat up more money so I’d be looking at 3–4 months. Judging by the amount of interest in in-calls versus outcalls, in-calls would generate a significantly larger amount of business. On the other hand, people are lame and liars, so I don’t know how I’d really do.

I still haven’t done any dominatrix work, though I’m meeting this guy tomorrow who’s interested in some strange stuff. I’ve asked an attorney to look into the legality of what the guy wants done. I’m concerned it could fall under either prostitution or a medical procedure. If it sounds lawful, though, the guy has expressed an interest in having this done frequently.

I’ve got an advert written for Freetime that I need to submit. It mentions the dominatrix stuff (City doesn’t allow dominatrix adverts), so I’m hoping I’ll collect some business that way. I think the dominatrix side of the business will be able to bring in higher rates, as I gather experience.

DPF still hasn’t registered me with the AB/DL sitting service… Grrr. I understand it’s probably hard running all the stuff Tommy does, but I’m cranky because food on the table in 5 months is partially dependent on registration.

But all that is in this world, and I should be writing about what’s in my head.

I’ve entered a stage of questioning my ability to analyze myself. Out-of-control spending is a symptom of mania, and part of me argues I should be more conservative with my remaining cash. On the other hand, I’ve seen a lot of companies fuck themselves because they won’t spend any money. The capitalist in me says I have to invest money, carefully, to make a return.

Maybe self-analysis is concerned with how much farther I’m willing to chew through my savings before I will give up, and not seeing an end at present. I think the space rental for the in-call service is the last large potential expense, though there will still be small ones. And, given a 3-month lease, it would provide a distinct amount of time to try before concluding the business model is not viable.

Which, if the business isn’t viable, puts me in a spot where I’m either timed to start an AT thru-hike, or able to start looking for a job for the summer-time construction season.

I’m still questioning having my house. I like it, but I don’t need a space this big. I could get by with a smaller place, and pay less taxes, less heating… less everything. I think my mind is shifting toward the idea of having a studio apartment, or maybe a little tiny Japanese-style apartment. Still, rental prices are screwed up so it should be cheap but won’t be nearly as cheap as it should be. Makes it not worth it.

26. Rethinking Heidelberg

2003-12-13 11:42 (Saturday) journal

Yesterday I saw Dr. Galbreath, and there were a couple of things we discussed that I’ve been thinking about.

First, what was I feeling at Heidelberg? The thing I didn’t think of, which is actually really descriptive, is trapped. Trapped because I need money, and couldn’t find other work, and could fail if I tried to be a dominatrix or some other entrepreneurial thing, and no matter how little I did they wouldn’t fire me. So I was just trapped in an environment where I had to do brutal things to my mind, day after day, knowing that every one was going to suck. Trapped with ever- increasing anxiety that was building in a feedback loop.

The other thing was how I’m interacting with others/society. He observed that I’m not pissed at everybody, angry with society. He postulated that I’m now seeing the good in people, and not just the bad. I disagreed, but couldn’t pinpoint the change. Now that I’ve thought about it, the change has been in me. Since the anxiety feedback loop has broken, I’m not expecting people to piss me off, so I’m not building up anxiety before I meet someone. The people I interact with represent statistically the same bunch of fucking morons that I experienced before, but before I was expecting everyone to piss me off or hurt me, and that hurt me. Now I’m only experiencing the pain of those that do hurt me, which is a lot less.

27. Scared of finances

2003-12-15 00:20 (Monday) journal

I’ve been doing some finance stuff, and for the first time since I quit my job I’m really seeing the finance aspect hit hard. It leaves me in a position of figuring I’ll have to sell my house and leave Rochester, because I won’t be able to afford to stay here much longer. I know mom & dad would help out a little if I asked, and I could eat into my 401(k)… But I don’t know about that; it’s using up funds reserved for some day in the future when I’ll need them. I guess I don’t mind the idea of cashing out one of my small accounts, but I don’t want to eat into the big one.

I’m scared.

I’ve been thinking about Christmas, and how bullshit it all is now. I guess it’s okay for kids, but for adults it’s approaching just a spending scam. There’s this gift certificate you can get now in Rochester, that works just about anywhere. So, why not just give the gift certificate that does work anywhere, cash, and your friends give you cash and then it’s good? Or, better yet, just don’t exchange anything and go shopping for yourself and get what you want. But we can’t do that… why?

And what the hell is with Christmas music? It all sucks. If every year there was a month where we stopped listening to the normal variety and we all had to listen to just Belinda Carlisle, Debbie Gibson and Tiffany (and remakes of the limited songs they produced) we’d all think it was stupid and wouldn’t put up with it. But for Christmas, we’re not only supposed to put up with it, we’re supposed to be jovial about it. “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” sounds like a freaking durge (I wonder if this is intentional, the name certainly sounds death-related). And the Little Drummer Boy? Sounds like a freaking death march for God on a Stick. Disco is condemned by mainstream society, but that one nasty-ass disco Christmas song – that comes back every year.

I guess I can see that it’s nice to have an established time for families to get together, but there is just so much blind excitement about Christmas year after year, and I’m tired of it.

28. Woodworking, work, and isolation and loneliness

2003-12-19 20:27 (Friday) journal

I spent some time today reinvesting income into making a St. Andrew’s cross. It’s going okay, actually coming out nice. I’ve been careful about measure-twice, check, and then cut. I caught some problems in my calculations for the lap joint location caused by my calculator being in gradians mode rather than degrees. It took me about a half-hour to figure it out, I kept double checking my equations expecting I was missing something.

Tonight I’m feeling down, isolated. I’ve got a potential client at 10, I should get ready but I’m in a funk and I want to write journal first. I feel lonely, because I don’t have friends who I get to spend time with. Everyone is busy in their own lives, and since I’m not busy all the time the idleness gets to me. I want to spend the time with someone, but there is no one available. Which should be okay, I should have things I want to do on my own… but right now, I don’t have anything to work on. If I could find something to occupy me, that would be good, but I don’t know what I want to do. And, I’m limited in how much I can spend now too.

Still, I could go out somewhere and listen to music and hang out. But I’ll just be lonely in the crowd. Music is good, but it doesn’t completely solve the loneliness.

TV sucks, so it’s not a good distraction. Anime can be good, but I want to do something, not just watch. I want to be part of a crowd, and be with people. I want stuff to be happening that I feel like I’m a part of.

At the moment, I don’t really understand my motives for life. I feel like I’m in survival mode, investing everything in trying to figure out how to make it past March and what to do then. I feel really uncertain about the future. I’m so scared. I feel so alone. I don’t have any goals other than survive, no real sense that there’s something really fun I want to do.

Do I enjoy my work? I think so, when I get a client who responds to sensual touch. I like it when I can make someone feel really good, when I can bond with them and feel like, at least for a while, I’m with someone who cares / someone I care about. But is it an illusion? Does it matter? And does money corrupt it somehow?

Why the hell can’t I be like everyone else and just be able to work 9–5 and not have to think about this? Why can’t I just blunt the pain of existence watching stupid shit on TV? Or what do I do to solve the pain for real, to make life full or caring and love and togetherness? I don’t know… but I better pull myself together and get ready for my outcall so I can continue to survive.

29. Survival vs. Thriving

2003-12-21 00:46 (Sunday) journal insightful

I’ve been thinking about survival, and decided that survival isn’t enough. I want, I need, to thrive. Survival, to me, is the minimal state to just keep doing what I’m already doing. Thriving is learning, growing, experiencing new things and having wonderment in my heart. Thriving is not living in fear, wondering how long it will be before things get even worse. If subsistence survival is what I have to look forward to, then I’d rather not survive.

So how do I get to thriving? When/how have I thriven before?

Sometimes I thrived when I was programming, experiencing the joy of creation. I thrived in the early days of the Indigo Pages. I thrived in Rocky Horror sometimes, as some vain part of me enjoys the limelight. I may have been thriving when I was making The Hack Show.

Yet, programming became harmful, upsetting, painful. I got sick of dealing with constant e-mail from the Indigo Pages, people looking for a messiah. I got tired of Rocky Horror. The Hack Show got too hard to keep doing.

What things in my live could I thrive on?

I could get good at being a dom, and I’d think I’d enjoy making people feel good. Would I thrive? I’m not sure.

If I found a job I liked, I could thrive on doing creative things. Would that be enough?

No, I need to thrive in relationships. I need to have more close, intimate friendships. I need to love, and be loved. Superficial acquaintances aren’t enough, although they’re something.

What do I want out of life? I want to be happy. How do I attain happiness? Have enough. Enough what? Friends, food, stuff. How much is enough? That’s up to me. How much is enough for me? I need more friends, and not superficial ones. I have enough food, for the moment. I have too much stuff, but still haven’t divested myself from ownership enough to get rid of a lot of stuff.

I’m tired, and I don’t think I’m getting anywhere.

30. Dangerous client

2003-12-24 12:29 (Wednesday) diary journal

I’m a little less cranky today than I was a few days ago. In news, the lease deal to try and run an in-call service fell through, so given timing and funds remaining and stuff, I think I’m going to drop plans for in-call.

I had a call last week that spooked me a little. The guy was somewhat aggressive, and kept pushing for more. In retrospect, I’m probably lucky I didn’t get into trouble. I’ve been using the thoughts on that matter to gird up self-protection algorithms so I don’t get into the situation again.

I’m supposed to have a client now, but I think the bastard’s run away. We met, chatted a few sentences, he said he was going to go reserve a room and disappeared. Am I that undesireable? Not to everyone, at least.

I did a scene with Gerry from Buffalo yesterday, and he seems to have enjoyed it a lot. I did a little flogging, then used this neat gag he’s got with an out-pointing dildo and dropped my muff on his face. We ended with me using a strap-on on him. It’s… there’s definitely something sexual about it, I got pretty wound up and masturbated after he left. Still, weird thoughts on gender identity after he left.

I’m mostly alone in Rochester this weekend. fuschia invited me to holiday dinner with her family, which I might take her up on. I’ve been rewatching Buffy seasons 1, but thinking I should be doing something else that has more of a self-development aspect. Like, maybe I should learn Cocoa programming or something, but do I really want to do that as next career? I don’t know. I’ve also been thinking, after seeing The Last Samurai with fuschia yesterday, that I need to go on a spiritual quest or something to get myself atune with nature and spirituality again. I’ve been thinking about going out to the Sacred Grove, maybe I’ll make a pilgrimage out there today.