Apple Product Evolution Memorandum
 
Please stop complaining and submit to our system.  We designed it, we 
built it, so there can’t possibly be anything wrong with it.  If 
there are some features that have gone missing, you’re better off 
without them.  If the system isn't as effective as you think it could 
be, you’re dreaming.  If interfaces have become awkward to use, 
you’re not considering the importance of consistent look and feel 
across wholly different devices.  Keep using it and soon you’ll 
understand.  If not, see figure 1.
 
                *-------------------------------*
                |               _               |
                |              { }              |
                |              | |              |
                |              | |              |
                |           .-.| |.-.           |
                |         .-|  | |  |.-.        |
                |         | |       |  ;        |
                |         \           ;         |
                |          \         ;          |
                |           |       :           |
                |           |       |           |
                |           |       |           |
                |                               |
                *-------------------------------*
                            Figure 1.
 
Forget about your silly concerns, let's take a look at the features 
of Apple technology.

* Unix

AT&T invented it, Berkeley reinvented it, we built a GUI on top of it 
and made it easy to use.  We wooed so many geeks and power users with 
it that we decided to build a phone out of it.  The phone interface 
we invented is so great and perfect that we’re now trying to make 
everything work like the phone, from phones to tablets to computers.  
Perhaps that means we have to change things, simplify behaviors to 
match the simplest device, but that’s okay because phones are selling 
like hotcakes!  If the simplified phone-like interface makes your 
computer seem less useful, reconsider after reflecting on the 
simplicity and elegance of Figure 1.

* Applications Software

We created iWork, an office suite that was a nice change from MS 
Office.  But it turns out that was difficult to implement on a phone, 
so we rewrote it.  While we were at it, we got rid of all those pesky 
features that were hard to use on the phone, but that’s okay because 
if you need them you can always use Office.  The new Pages may mangle 
your documents, but once they’re saved you won’t be able to open them 
with the old edition anymore; there’s no way back.  But that’s okay, 
you wouldn’t want to use the old edition since it’s outdated.  The 
new one works on your phone, so you can do your word processing 
anywhere on a touchscreen without a bulky, tactile keyboard.  And 
while we were at it, we made Pages more like MS Word.  If you don’t 
like Word, follow the Final Cut Pro users who we told to see Figure 1 
several years ago.

* Diagnostics
 
We have two diagnostic tools; one we give to customers and one we 
use. The one we provide is good enough for you, who are not of Apple 
and know nothing.  Don’t ask for the better diagnostic tool, that’s 
only for those indoctrinated to Apple Inc., so we won’t give it to 
you. If your system isn’t in perfect working order, what more do you 
need to know than it’s time to buy a new one.  And besides, we made 
your system…

* Unmaintainable

Our systems used to be built with a bitch screw in a hidden location, 
but recently we’ve come up with our own screw drives to make sure you 
won’t have the tools to get your system open.  Even if you do, you’ll 
find the RAM soldered to the motherboard and a propriety SSD 
interface.  If you want to upgrade your system, see Figure 1, then 
buy a new system.  If your system is under warranty, contact…

* Support

We call ’em Geniuses.  If your computer breaks, use our website to 
schedule an appointment with one—but it’ll probably be a couple days 
off, since even though we have thousands of them in our stores, most 
of them are very busy.  A Genius can take a look at it in a few days 
though.  If you had work to do in the meantime, revisit Figure 1.  
The other important thing Geniuses do is identify the correct…

* Dongles
 
We've got lots of them.  In video dongles alone, we have mini VGA, 
mini-DVI, mini displayport, mini HDMI, and Thunderbolt adapters.  
Dongles mean a sleek, elegant form factor without all those clunky 
ports cluttering machines up.  In our most recent laptops, we got rid 
of those pesky, commonplace Ethernet ports too, so now we offer 
dongles for those—both USB and Thunderbolt varieties.  Perhaps you 
need a sack to carry all those dongles around—but doesn’t the Mac 
look great?  If you’re not sure, compare it to Figure 1.

* Bugs

These are the one thing we don’t have, because our software is 
perfect.  We built on a proven UNIX foundation using well-established 
open-source.  If the clock is skewing in the latest release, that’s 
not a result of customizations we made to ntpd, it’s because our 
software is lightspeed ahead of other OSes.  Kernel panics?  
Irrelevant since our applications save their state, which is restored 
on login.  And look how beautiful the layouts and buttons are; it’s 
like using a piece of art.

In conclusion, we don’t care about your complaints.  Love your Apple 
Mac or iOS device, but don't complain to us. We have plenty of 
fanboys buying the shit off the shelf as fast as we release it.  If 
it’s dumbed down and awkward to use, TOUGH!  You’re not the market we 
care about anyway.  The fanboys worship and throw cash at us way more 
than you do anyway.  See Figure 1 and go back to Linux, you bunch of 
cheap geeks.

Written with love, from a concerned long-time Apple fangirl geek1 .

Related Reading

VMS 4.1: An Official DEC Memo (http://neil.franklin.ch/Jokes_and_Fun/VMS_Attitude)

See figure 1.

AT&T Customer Service Memorandum (http://www.textfiles.com/humor/figure_1.txt)

See figure 1. Again.