The Weather Rant

Here's something I sent off to the Weather Channel 1  circa 1994.

My Fellow Earth Resident,

I'm a little bit upset by some of your reporting. A few days ago I was watching your forecast, and the weatherperson announced that temperatures were going to be doubling. Habitually converting the current 22°F to -6 C, I found temperatures were going to be dropping to -12 C. This seemed an odd expression, saying that temperatures were doubling to indicate that they were dropping.

I quickly realized the error of my thinking. Of course, saying that temperatures are doubling can only be done relative to absolute zero, 0 K or -273 C. I converted the -6 C to 267 K, doubled it to 534 K, then converted back to 261 C (that's 501°F for any weirdo still using the English system). This set me into a bit of a panic.

What if I wanted to go out? The snow would be melted. In fact, it would be vapor at that temperature. I'd have severe burns over most of my body by the time I got to my car. But let's assume I've got an indoor garage, which is air conditioned, so that I can get in the car. I get in, start the car, signal the automatic garage door to open, then drive out. Things go pretty well for the first four minutes. That's about how long it takes for the thermostat in my Escort's cooling system to open. Once the thermostat opens, there's problems. The engine coolant, now 88 C (191°F), begins to flow into the radiator. The coolant in the radiator begins to flow to cool the engine, in theory anyway. Instead, the ~250 C (~480°F) vapor in the radiator enters the engine block. The engine head promptly cracks because it's aluminum, and the block follows suit shortly. Large volumes of steam are quickly emitted from under the hood, making it difficult to see where I am going. Of course, the oil is also quite hot by this time and is experiencing viscosity breakdown, and there is probably a shrieking noise as the pistons move frictionfully against the head. Finally, there is silence because the engine has seized. Since the engine has stopped, the compressor for the air conditioning system has stopped compressing, and the cabin of the car quickly warms up. I die of dehydration.

After considering this horrible death, I began to look on the positive side. I could cook pizza just by putting it outside for a few minutes. Then something horrible occurred to me. If temperatures could double in a day, couldn't they halve in a day? What about going out then? Could the temperature really drop to -142 C (-225°F) in a matter of 24 hours?

A review of data in a nearby physics book showed that the main gases in the air (oxygen, nitrogen) wouldn't be freezing solid. The air would remain breathable. Of course, a few breaths of -142 C air and the lungs would be frozen solid, and wouldn't work anymore.

However, with considerable modification, my escort's cooling system could be removed, since air cooling would probably work fine at -142 C. Intake air pipes could be added that would run against the exhaust, preheating the air so the combustion would work. Of course, the electronic stuff would need to be removed because even mil-spec PN junction's wouldn't work in that cold. The cabin heating system could be beefed up significantly, and the exhaust could be run along the fuel line and petrol tanks to prevent them from freezing up. The tires would need to be replaced since they'd freeze and crack to pieces. As long as the car was kept in a warm garage, it might just be possible to get along if the temperature drops to half of what it is today. Nevertheless, I'm hoping your forecasting is wrong.

A few weeks after sending this to The Weather Channel, they wrote back. Their response stated that they did not need someone with my qualifications at the moment, but they would keep my resume on file for future reference.