Speaking of God

If ye have ever beheld the teachings of God, ye hath beheld the mighty obfuscation with which He hath spoken. Translation, the people who speak about God always make it confusing because confusing sounds impressive. You too can learn this lingo, and speak about God like a professional, with these simple steps. First, change the following words in your speech:

Occasionally, you may need to add or remove an article, adjective, or adverb. You should use the word wherefore as a conjunction for unrelated sentences. Insert the phrase, "And it came to pass that" to indicate that some events, not specified in completeness, occurred. At points where, when reading aloud, one might say "um" or "ah", insert "yea".

For example: Bob went to the store, where he saw jelly donuts. He bought some, and ate them. Then he went home. This simple sentence becomes, Bob went forth unto the store, yea, where he beheld jelly donuts. And it came to pass that he bought some, and feasted upon them. Wherefore, he went forth unto home.

This is a first, big step in the translation. The next step is more complex, and is non-generic. You must learn to replace simple parts of the sentences with much more complex and confusing parts, which sound more impressive. Remember to go into extreme detail, including detailed steps in a process. Taking our example through this process, we get: Bob went fourth, unto the market of food, yea, where he beheld the seed of the deep fryer. And it came to pass that he spake with the proprietor, and they came unto an agreement. And it came to pass that he received the seed of the deep fryer, and feasted upon it. Wherefore, he left the market and went forth unto home.

Style is also important. Selection of proper symbols can make a world of difference. Traditional symbolic objects are trees, lambs, and fruit; others can be used but should be used with care. You should also refer to important objects as belonging to god. Finally, Angels in visions should have to repeatedly get the attention of the prophet, since the prophets even of hundreds of years ago had attention span worse than the MTV generation. Here is an example: Bob went forth unto his bed, wherefore he pulled the sheets over himself, and dreamed. And an angel came forth unto the dream, and spake: Look! Bob looked, and beheld many trees of wires. The angel again spake: Look! Bob beheld a city of lights. The angel spake: Look! Bob beheld a fruit, unto which the trees of wires connected. The angel spake: Look! Bob beheld uranium waste coming forth from the fruit. The angel spake: This is the Maggot of God, which shall remain here until the end of time, when He shall redeem it; for He is the mighty procrastinator. Bob awoke, and the knowledge came unto him that Nuclear fission is the Fruit of God. Bob spake unto his brother Fred of the vision, teaching of how God would one day come unto the world and clean of the nuclear waste.