Perette

There are more important things than me.
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The JAF Story

He arrived at RIT with grand dreams of, well..everything. To be the best at whatever he ended up being. Kinda like an Army slogan.

He ended up..a NOTES freak.

It started with Story_Board. He posted a piece in "The City At the Edge of Forever." From there, he started topics and never finished them. It spread. Soon, he was in Star_Trek. Then, it had to happen. He was in [unmentionable_private_conference]. Finally, it took his toll..

He nuked himself.

This is the story of JAF....

Introduction written by RITVAX::ECL6895 "Right Hand of Darkness".

Contents

1. A tribute to JAF

Author: RITVAX::SPS8098 "Streetwise"
Date: 12-JAN-1989 01:13

              1987-1988
   May he rest in peace with his computer and notes.
   
   -Streetwise

2. In the begining..

Author: RITVAX::ACC3886 "AC"
Date: 12-JAN-1989 08:55

It all began in a small town in some big out of the way state. JAF was the first kid in his county to have IBM Computer with a 80 meg hard drive, two floppy drives, 2 meg of RAM..and..a.. "Hayes Smart Modem". Yes, his mother is still shaking today from receiving that first phone bill. The first computer JAF connected to was..

3. JAFFY DUCK

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 12-JAN-1989 11:05

Wild Women @ Jello Wrestling Emporium, A BBS nearby who catered to "alternate lifestyle" followers.

This was the beginning of his moral decay, when he began to grow his scraggly beard and start to smell funny.

Then he used his mom's credit card to buy.....

4. untitled

Author: RITVAX::SPS8098 "Streetwise"
Date: 12-JAN-1989 16:28

After JAF used his mom's credit card to buy equipments for his computer. He hurried to his lab to work on his computer. He connected up his computer to the modem and began to type in the password. All of a sudden, he has broke in Pengaton's computer system! Then the lights began to fickle................

5. Jiffy - JAFFY

Author: RITVAX::JKS9199 "Riva Irongrip"
Date: 12-JAN-1989 19:51

"STOP" - boomed the pentagonal guru, "Who seeketh entrance"

"It is I, Roger Rabbit, King of the Weaver League", replied JAF in a squeeky rabbitty voice. "I wish to annoy the $h!+ out of you!!" -ominous music-

And he reached into his back pocket and pulled out his..

6. untitled

Author: RITVAX::JML1765 "Imagining Science?"
Date: 12-JAN-1989 23:53

... "Acme Miniature Encyclopedia of Bad Movie Scripts". JAF carried this everywhere with him so he would always have an appropriate line to quote or silly story line to emulate.

He thought, "hmmm, in War Games, the main character just called up the computer and it let him in. Mebbee that'll work this time." So, he entered the first password that came into his head, ..

7. Next Stage?

Author: RITVAX::TCR7471 "The Snake Shall Live Forever"
Date: 13-JAN-1989 00:18

.. which of course was the words "Acme_Security_Systems". And, wala, he was in. The message on the screen said "Thank you for logging into the Pentagon sceurity System. Please type in the name of the directoery that you want to access or type newuser if theis is your first time in this system--->?? " JAF cursed "^&$%%#@$(%^%, what's with the &*^&*(%$~:}&$ typos? ", then it came to him; this was a PENTAGON system so of course it has many bugs and would not work very well. JAF typed in newuser and hit return revealing a hacker's menu of the Pentagon's interesting areas.

These m4_included..

8. untitled

Author: RITVAX::DAG7571 "Rocket Scientist"
Date: 13-JAN-1989 01:06

There was a brief pause. Then what showed up on the screen next was not to be believed..

9. Continued on JAF's life story

Author: RITVAX::SPS8098 "Streetwise"
Date: 13-JAN-1989 02:25

Of course, there was still more to come.......What's the worse, there was also a file access to Miss Universe beauty contest. It also have information about each contestant's measurements...... So, he gathered his things, and went out on a drive to Never-Never Land.......................

10. untitled

Author: RITVAX::SPS8098 "Streetwise"
Date: 13-JAN-1989 02:26

Worse yet, he took all of his fantasy baseball conference notes with him.................

11. Check out my manhood

Author: RITVAX::ACC3886 "AC"
Date: 13-JAN-1989 10:26

As he was crusin' down highway 101 west bound in the east bound lane, he saw Bob's Taco Stand and Computer Repairs. Being hungry he decided to stop for a byte. He pulled out his mom's credit card and ordered a bowl of chili with double beans. He sat down at a table and started to feed. Then he saw her..

The woman of his dreams. She was beautiful in every way and had a body that wouldn't stop. He got up his courage and approached her.

"Hi! I'm JAF! I've got 9 1/4 inches of pure manhood."

Here followed 28 minutes of hysterical laughter.

"I'll tell you what I'll do." Replied the woman after she finally stoped laughing.............

12. I'd let you reply but..

Author: RITVAX::JKS9199 "Riva Irongrip"
Date: 13-JAN-1989 14:12

"First thing - you gotta get a real call name" she said.

"But I really like Roger Rabbit a lot. What do you suggest??" JAF asked.

"I know! How about Flesh 0 Gordon?" he replied.

"Do you like it?" he asked

"I know you do." he replied

"Should I change my hairstyle?" he asked

"Sure, I'll change it and shave the cattepillar as well." he replied

"This change will be good for my image, right?" he asked

"I bet it will!" he replied

"Do you know that you have an annoying habbit of replying to your own questions?" Asked the Girl of his dreams (yet un-named).

"Well, some have said....." JAF responded meekly

13. Jibberish-Jaf

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399
Date: 14-JAN-1989 14:59

"Well some have said that I am on a one way path to becomming a note freak. But what do they know, absolutely nothing. They have no creation in their minds whatasever; I can tell when I compare their notes to my much more superb writing. Now I know I'm the best by seeing that almost all the replies on the board are mine, and they of course are my best, and I also have more imagination; this can be seen by my constantly changing process name, which I of course create all by myself. Now I think that I could better If I reversed the parity on the alternating current for the computer, this would give me......."

"ZZZ...ZZZZ..ZZZ..ZZZZ..ZZZZ" The girl of Jaf's dreams slid of the table in a deep sleep.

"Oh I'm sorry. you know you could sleep much better if you'd lay your hand-"

"HEY BUDDY!" A somebody yelled, "SHUTUP! OR I'LL RIP YOUR TONGUE OUT!"

Jaf turned towards the man and said.....

14. The Next Day, after Jaf gets beat up.

Author: RITVAX::PMB1566 "The Doctor #6", RITVAX::BJP2399 "Creeping Death", RITVAX::KGB8752 "The Valeyard"
Date: 14-JAN-1989 19:10

JAF! Sung to: Michael Jackson's BAD or Weird Al Yankovic's FAT. While driving in his car, Jaf turns on the radio. As the song starts, he begins to follow the beat by swerving all ove the road (it should be noted that it is raining ad the windshield wipers are following the same beat).

 
My writing's great,
and I am too;
don't mess with me,
or I'll talk to you.

The word is out,
better treat me right,
'Cause I'm the king,
of Copyrights.
 
Write on.
 
Write on.
 
VAX notes.
 
All the time.
 
My keyboard busts,
My fingers bleed,
I write too much,
for you to read.
 
The TV cracks,
when I log in,
I got more names,
than I have friends.
 
I never use my brain,
I always steal my stuff,
When I go into the story board,
I just can't write enough,

BECAUSE I'M JAF!
I'M JAF!
WRITE ON.
(Background: I'm really really Jaf.)
 
I KNOW I'M JAF!
I'M JAF!
I KNOW IT. Uh Huh.
(Background: I'm really really Jaf.)
 
You call me Roger, Commissioner, or Flash,
Don't you ask me once again,
Who's Jaf?
 
(Heavy breathing)
 
When I check out,
My electronic mail,
all they say,
is how I fail.
 
When I'm at the game,
I'm a big huge fan,
of Earl Weaver,
the baseball man.
 
If I write one more,
on story board,
It'll be the thousandth page,
and I still have more.
 
I write them all in seconds,
They're always at my best,
I never go to my classes,
unless I have a test.
 
BECAUSE I'M JAF!
I'M JAF!
WRITE ON.
(Background: I'm really really Jaf.)
 
I know I'm JAF!
I'M JAF!
I KNOW IT.
(Background: I'm really really Jaf.)
 
I know I'm JAF!
I'M JAF!
I KNOW IT, I KNOW!
(Background: I'm really really Jaf.)
 

My printouts weigh 'bout forty-two pounds,
Let me tell you once again, I'm Jaf.
 
(Heavy breathing)
(MUSIC)
 
If you see me in the lab today,
Better leave memory space,
If I see that you are writing,
I'll just laugh in your face,
 
BECAUSE I'M JAF!
I'M JAF!
WRITE ON.
(Background: I'm really really Jaf.)
 
BECAUSE I'M JAF!
I'M JAF!
I KNOW IT.  UH HUH.
(Background: I'm really really Jaf.)
 
When I write inside the lab,
I REALLY WRITE inside the lab,
 
BECAUSE I'M JAF!
I'M JAF!
I KNOW IT.  WRITE ON.
(Background: I'm really really Jaf.)
 
I KNOW I'M JAF!
I'M JAF!
I KNOW IT.  UH HUH.
(Background: I'm really really Jaf.)
 
If you ask me once again, I'll say
I'M JAF!

15. untitled

Author: RITVAX::DAG7571 "Rocket Scientist"
Date: 14-JAN-1989 20:34

..I'M JAF! I'M JAF..

"Excuse me, sir!! Could you please go outside of the lab to do your singing?" "Sir? Sir! SIR!!"

"Huh? oh I'm sorry.." He had been so wrapped up in his writing that he had lost touch with his surroundings. In fact, he just realized now that he was one of the labs and had been singing (loudly) for the last ten minutes. It was finals week and everyone was looking at him in a rather nasty way. "Sir, could you please be a little more quiet?" He hadn't seen this lab assistant before- she had a fairly short skirt which revealed her shapely forelegs. It was those knees that caught his attention for a second as he looked up towards her chest. It might have been good, for all he knew, but who could tell under that loose fitting pastel colored blouse? Then he spotted those luscious red lips bracketed by long red hair that was slightly curled at the ends. And those glasses...uggh! Those glasses had to go! He began to say it out loud but caught himself in time.."Tho- uggh.." "What?" "Umm..Gee I guess I lost track of where I was.." She smiled slightly, "Well, try to keep it down, ok?" "Yeah, sure. Oh by the way, I'm JAF. I haven't seen you here before.." "I'm Rhonda, " she said as she began walking away, "I just started here last week." Rhonda stopped by the trash can. She parted her lips slightly, and something green came out. It grew larger and larger and began to take on a round shape.

"OH NO!" he thought, "It's Rhonda from the story board- the one who has slimy green things coming out of her mouth!!"

It got SO large. Finally it burst with a big >POP!< She peeled the gum off her face and threw it in the trash can and returned to her desk. JAF then returned to his note with a sigh of relief.

Despite his alarm over the simple gum, it still hadn't occurred to him that maybe he had been on too long..

..he returned to the story board. After all the world was waiting for his superior notes hacking and this one here was just begging for it..

16. "My roommate was a Notes Hack", in 3-d

Author: RITVAX::JRP4845
Date: 15-JAN-1989 21:14

You know, it had all started so innocently. First, a friend sent him an electronic MAIL message. His first one. Wow, he thought. It had taken him 15 minutes to figure out how to reply.

Soon he was sending electronic mail to all his friends. He set his process name to "PHONE-ME-NOW" or "SEND-ME-MAIL". And someone who PHONEd him once mentioned NOTES..

He hadn't been able to sleep that first night after being introduced to NOTES. He lay awake waiting for the labs to open.

He started pestering his friends to borrow their computers so he could dialup after hours. Finally he even STOLE a terminal, a GIGI.

It escalated from there. He lost weight. His life was a blur of keystrokes. He was in electronic heaven ! He went on all the conferences, madly REPLYing and WRITing.

He began to notice his behavior only after it was too late. His mom had called, finally getting through his usually busy phone, and asked how classes were going. Gee, he thought, I had forgotten about them.

Also, he began to notice the picketing going on outside his house. 15-20 people were carrying torches and placards saying "Just say NO to NOTES" and "M.A.N. -- Mothers Against Notes" . Others signs said..

17. My Roommate was a Mad Labby--In smellavision

Author: RITVAX::DAG7571 "Rocket Scientist"
Date: 16-JAN-1989 22:48

.."Go for it!" "Write on!" They were the opposition...hundreds upon hundreds of VAXaholics confronting the protestors with a protest of their own!

The crowd clashed. There was a big rumble all over campus. CAmpus Safety couldn't handle it, The Sheriff's couldn't handle it, even the Rochester Police couldn't handle it!

Then, a loud voice boomed out from the Ross building..

"LAB'S OPEN!!!"

Almost at once, all the VAX HAX dropped what they were doing and ran to the labs. The silence that followed was almost eery..

18. LAB FIGHT!!!

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399
Date: 18-JAN-1989 13:10

The combustive noise from the crowd m4_shifted to the lab. Inside, hundreds of students frantically fought for a terminal. The labbie found himself fighting for his life. He lifted one student into the ceiling and threw another two out the door, but there were to many. A monitor flew passed, shattering over his arched back as it slammed into the wall. More crazed vax hax filed into the room, causing more blood to fly. The labbie found himself lifted against the wall, but to his relief a keyboard came crashing down ontop of his opressor's head. Then he watched Jaf walk in....

19. Quit picking on me!

Author: RITVAX::ACC3886 "AC"
Date: 18-JAN-1989 14:08

"I'm in charge here!!" Speaks JAF in a commanding voice.

Suddenly the riot comes to a stop. 300 heads turn in JAF's direction. Then one student speaks up "Who are you?".

"I'm JAF but most of you know me as Roger Rabbit. I am your leader. Follow me and I will.."

The fight resumes and intensifies. Then a shout can be heard above the rest. A calculator toting student stand up and says "I just calculated the load averages as compared to individual system use!" He points a finger quivering with rage at JAF. "He is the cause of this! He has Set Host 38 times! He is running worthless phone monitoring programs! He is taking up valuable system time!"

Another student shouts "lets..........

20. Choosy mothers choose JAF

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 18-JAN-1989 18:12

eat lunch!"

After all this extracirricular activity, the vax hax were a bit hungry, and those that could still walk unassisted marched upstairs to greasie's and dissapeared into the bowels of the commons.

JAF re-adjusted his glasses and sat down on an intact terminal. After 4 hours of steady typing, he noticed that the lab assistant had been dead all this time. Apparently he had met his end in the riot, and without bothering to log off, either.

"Hmm.." murmured JAF, "That silly labbie!" He went to shut off the labbie's terminal, but a dark and insidious deed crossed his mind. With the power of a lab assistant's account, why, he could indeed rule..........

21. JAF TREK: THE LAST GENERATION (We hope)

Author: RITVAX::KGB8752 "The Valeyard"
Date: 18-JAN-1989 21:50

rule.. Jaf thought, one thing came to his mind.

Jaf. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enternote. It's five-year mission: to explore strange new conferences, to seek out new patents and new copyrights. To boldly write what someone has written before.

(MUSIC)

Jaflog, stardate 3.141592654. The starship enternote is currently orbiting the conference story board. So far I have detected a supreme intelligence force to that of myself. But soon, I will beam down with my crewmembers Jaffock, Dr. Jafcoy, and Mr Jaffu and proceed to destroy the land.

Captain(HAH!) Jaff leans back in his command chair, he quickly swivels around to question his communications officer, "Lietenant Jaffura. Have we established contact yet?"

Jaffurua, somewhat annoyed, looks to her captain, "No sir. " She tries to hide her laughter, "We haven't established contact yet." For the one billionth time she thought to herself.

Jaf pressed a certain button on his chair, it was red. "Mr Jaffy, ready to beam down three to conference story board."

"Aye. Aye, Sir." Jaf thought he heard a round of laughter from the engine room, but he couldn't be to sure.

"Jaffock." Jaf ordered as he stood from his commanding position.

Jaffock looked at him strangely, raising both eyebrows he contemplated on disobeying the order. But it would only mean he'd have to sit in a small room, listening to Jaf lecture on proper procedures and stupid movies; not to mention he'd have to bear the odor. Thinking of those circumstances, he immediately followed his captain (snicker) into the elevator.

"Elevator. Transporter room." Jaf ordered the elevator.

After a long, deep sigh, the elevator answered, "Yes." Then continued its descent.

Dr. Jafcoy met them in the transporter room, seriously thinking about his orders. Well, he thought, would I'd rather sit and listen to Jaf yammer about orders, and movies, or follow the bumbling idiot down into the storyboard, where he is no doubt going to be laughed right off the circuits. "I will not have my molecules scrambled for that lame excuse for a captain, and a writer." The good doctor commented to Jaffy as Jaf and Jaffock entered the room.

Jaf led the other two onto the transporter. "Ready to beam down Jaffy." Jaf nodded.

"Wait!!!!" Mr. Jaffu exclamated from the doorway as he hurried towards the transporter area. Stupid, scrawny, butt scratching, snot sucking, finger biting, thumbsucking, rotten smelly sonofaJaff, Mr Jaffu thought as he took up his position.

"Energize Jaffy." Jaf ordered again.

"Why if it wasn't for those two, I'd beam ya into a blackhole." Jaffy mumbled to himself as he energized the beam, sending Jaf, Jaffock, Jaffu and Dr. Jafcoy to the conference of story board.......

22. Jaffy Duck

Author: RITVAX::PMB1566
Date: 23-JAN-1989 17:29

Upon arrival, they all take a look around to make sure that they aren't being ranked on. Except Jaf, who wouldn't know the difference, and is more worried about being out-written. Well, that's not possible, but then again, people could be catching up after reading and learning from his excellent messages. Jaffu then sees Jaf, and in a combination of horror and happiness, yells, "Doctor Jafcoy! Jaf's been mutilated by the transporter beam!"

Jafcoy turns quickly and looks at Jaf. "Don't worry, Jaffu. He's always been like that."

23. OH NO!! HE'S HERE!!!

Author: RITVAX::KGB8752 "The Valeyard"
Date: 24-JAN-1989 09:41

Jafcoy, Jaffu and Jaffock snickered to themselves. Of course, Jaf had no idea what the others were talking about. Jaffock took out his tricorder and started to scan the area. "I have identified what I believe to be superior writing skill to that of Jaf's. It seems to be coming from all around us."

Jaf quickly drew his phaser (which is also a pen, flashlight, keyring, etc). "Come on. We have to find this superior writing skill and destroy it. No-one is allowed to write better than myself," he said arrogantly.

They walked for few miles, until Jaf decided that it was time to rest. He crumpled to the ground, exhausted. The others just looked at him and muttered comments like "He's useless" and "How could someone like that become captain".

After they rested for about an hour, Jaffock scanned the area again with his tricorder. "The tricorder show superior writing skill just over that hill....uh......sir." Jaffock tried not to laugh as he said "sir", but failed. Fortunately, Jaf didn't notice this.

They walked over the hill that Jaffock had indicated earlier and were confronted with John N. Rochester. John looked first at Jaffu, then at Jafcoy and Jaffock. The last person he looked at was Jaf himself. The minute that he saw Jaf, his face froze in horror and he ran as fast as he could, screaming "OH NO!!!! HE'S HERE!!!!!!! NO!! PLEASE SAVE US!!!"

Jaf looked at Jaffock and said, "I wonder what that was about?"

The others could not help laughing. Fortunately, Jaf didn't notice this.

24. first date: to boldly go were no man has gone before

Author: RITVAX::ALZ3730
Date: 24-JAN-1989 12:33

Jaf didn't notice this because he was too busy drooling over a beautiful woman that had just come into view.

Jafock checked his tricorder. "I've found another source of writing superior to yours. It's that thing which appears to be an attractive human female. Jafinating! She is actually composed of pure energy."

"Who are you?" demanded Jaf as he aproached the female with phaser set for vaporize.

"I'm the Mailer Daemon. You must be Jaf. ooo! your process name is so big!"

"Nine and a half inches long!" Jaf proudly anounced.

"Actually..snicker...captain..snicker-cough..ehem..9.4876564321 inches"

Fortunately, Jaf did not notice Jafock's snickering. He was more conserned about the Mailer Daemon's programing. Jaf, trying to impress the MD, started typing with the numeric keypad on his phaser. He entered the Getysburg address in binary code and sent it to the MD.

"mmmmmm!" moaned the MD passionatly. "I want your diskspace deep inside my CPU."

Jaf quickly hightened the pace by entering the entire Philosophy conference in base-3 with alarming speed. This was to much for poor Mailer Daemon, and after one final passionat moan, she exploded.

Then the swapper came to the rescue. The swapper quickly gathered up the MD and put her into several jumbled files. Putting the files on a stretcher, the swapper carried the Mailer Daemon off. Jaf put his phaser with it's smoking keyboard in it's holster not noticing his crew, who were laughing uncontrollably.

"So much for that superior-to-Jaf writer. Jafock! How many writers that are better than me are left?"

25. 99,99,99+E99,99,99

Author: RITVAX::PCB4226 "Gore&Death '89"
Date: 24-JAN-1989 17:47

Jafock, against his better judgement, plugs in the necessary equation into his portable computator. Upon trying to arrive at the magnanomously huge number of people who can write better than JAF (including those in their sleep), the machine promptly explodes into thousands of burning pieces.

Jaf still doesn't notice.

26. The Attack

Author: RITVAX::KGB8752 "The Valeyard"
Date: 24-JAN-1989 21:09

After this little incident, Jaf decides to go in search of the superior writers. They had only traveled a little ways when they were confronted with an army of characters from Story_Board stories. There were at least 300 characters coming to attack them. Unfortunately, Jaf notices this.

The characters rushed toward Jaf and his group. They were all carrying different types of weapons. Jaf took out his phaser (which was also a flashlight, keychain, screwdriver, jack knife, pen, scissors, lock de-icer, corkscrew, emergency flare, electric generator, and portable keyboard) which, of course, he didn't know how to use.

The army of characters were just upon them when...

27. not those damed characters again!

Author: RITVAX::DAG7571 "Italians make better Engineers"
Date: 25-JAN-1989 00:25

When Jaffy shouts, "Captain, there are-a too many of them. WE CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS!! Hit the delete key quick while there is still time!" Jaffock raised an eyebrow and matter-of-factly said, "Sir, the probability of successfully deleting 302 characters at this range before they reach us is approximately 1.328769 billion to one, but it is difficult to be precise. However--" "JUST HIT THE KEY NOW, DAMMIT!", bellowed Jaffcoy.

The four men began virorously hitting as many delete keys as they could. Dozens upon dozens of characters dropped out of sight and began their long journey to the great big bit bucket in the sky. Still, there were many of the closing in as the landing party struggled to stay alive. "Captain," interrupted Jaffock, "Perhaps we should try arriving at a peaceful conclusion with them?" JafCoy was the first to respond, "Dammit Jaf! We haven't got any other choice! We've tried everything, but at this rate we're doomed!"

"Okay, okay! I'll try it..Okay EVERYBODY FREEZE!! PEACE! PEACE!!" All of the hcaracters slowed their advance and stopped dead in their tracks. Soon, the master character appeared, bigger than all the rest. He was the great null, the largest, most potent of all the characters: a real zero. And he appeared, larger than all the rest, larger than life, almost blocking out the setting sun. "We're on strike!! We refuse to have anything more to do with the make-up of your stories! Surrender to our terms or DIE!!"

"And what are your terms?"

"Admit that your writing is the most inferior in all the universe, and that it is not even fit for even the lowest ranking characters to be humiliated by sitting on the screen for the benefit of YOUR stories. Do you accept this?"

"No."

"THEN DIE!!"

All at once, the characters began their relentless charge. The four members of the landing party returned to the furious pounding at the keyboard. It looked real bleak. It looked hopeless. It surely looked like the end.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN-- NO!! NOT YET!!

Yes, it looked like the end..

but then, from out of nowhere, a huge spaceship suddenly appeared. It filled up the entire sky with its huge underbelly. The engines at the rear seemed to almost touch the horizon. there was a loud rumble. The entire ground was quaking!

A huge laser cannon extruded from beneath the huge ship and fired with a magnificent blast of blinding green. The entire armada of advancing characters disappeared into a fantastic shower of bits!!

The war was over!

"Sir, I believe the battle is over."

"So it is. Somebody make contact with that lumbering rust bucket up there and find out what their writing intentions are."

"but sir, I belive they are on our side--" "I don't care where they are, I want to know who they are!!"

"Sir, I believe that is the Battleship Jaffactica!"

28. OOPS!

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 2-FEB-1989 14:11

Meanwhile, on the Starship Enternote; reighing high above the conference, a wild party was going on.

"Look Jafura! Jaf's about ready to get killed!" Jaffy laughed, as he pointed to the viewscreen where the billions of characters surrounded their ships captain (snort, chuckle).

"Oh sir! We are saved!"

"What the hell!" one of the red shirts blurted out.

"who in the hell is that?" Jaffy roared as the characters were sent into oblivion.

The wild screaming and cheering immediately stopped, the entire ship that was once hooting and hollering became deathly quite. "It is the Battleship Jaffitica, I think." A clash of static came from Jafura's headset. Then the noise came to the viewscreen, along with Jaffitca's captain.

"I'm sorry sir, we missed!"

29. Keep It Simple Silly

Author: RITVAX::DAG7571 "Rocket Engineer"
Date: 2-FEB-1989 16:07

"We're gonna send down a squadron of VAX Vipers to wipe out all those character Centurions!"

All at once the sky filled with all manner of rag-tag flying machines. Laser blasts and characters flew everywhere...It looked like total annihilation. Then there was a mighty sound like thunder...an awesome rumble that shook the very ground and knocked JAF off his feet.

There he stood in the sudden silence- A black figure larger than life itself. He seemed to be a giant. His massive silver boots with eight inch heels made him seem to tower above everyone else. As the smoke began to clear, the gleam of his silver chains which hung from his massive shoulders began to penetrate the darkness. He was dressed in (it was hard to tell exactly what!) what seemed to be tight black leather pants, a thick black leather tank top with what looked like some sort of black denim vest. The chains clanked as his huge chest heaved with every breath. His hair was long and tangled and his face was large and white with some sort of black design.

He held in his hands what looked like a huge axe- it was long and black and had a double edged silver blade-- but it wasn't an axe-- it was a custom bass. He growled with a sound like that of a huge beast, instilling fear in everyone who stood there. Then he opened his mouth and let out his long red tongue which dripped hot steamy blood onto the ground as he spat out the intestines of some small animal which he had recently devoured. Gene Simmons was here!

He thumbed the heavy E-string on his bass (open) and it let out a rumble that nearly shook the entire planet. From behnd him came a percussive roll like that of an approaching storm- and a chord screamed out above it all- Peter Chris, Paul Stanley and Ace Freyley stood there ready to do battle..

30. People Die In Technicolor

Author: RITVAX::RCL8497 "STICK be stuck::comliments of the "
Date: 2-FEB-1989 19:08

As JAF slowly sank into unconsciousness, he realized he was saved. With all the vax vipers on the node gunning for the rampaging characters, and the awesome power of Music_room to assist him, he knew his cause was won. They really did love him, they cared so much to send the very best.....(with these thoughts, JAF falls into a near coma from the emotional shock.)

And the battle commences....

But wait! A massive power chord sends the mighty Battlestar Jaffatica hurling back into orbit, while a massive drum role creates turbulance so unreal as to send the vax vipers into dizzying tail spins, hope is not lost for the good souls on the V.M.S. Enternote. The mighty forces of Metal have made a stand for the noble cause of good authorship!

Many Lives later...

A bone rending roar is heard as the leader of the Vipers kicks in the turbo on his hard drive, he hits his select key, narrows Simmons down, and slams home the remove key! Could this be the end of our Valient Bass God....?

31. This is silly!

Author: RITVAX::ALZ3730 "PENGUIN LUST!!"
Date: 4-FEB-1989 14:12

Suddenly, a sonic blast hits the Viper throwing it off course. The viper slams into the ground exploding into a jumbled binary file. When they see the source of the blast, the Music_room conference cowers in fear. Before them stands:

...a leather clad penguin with a huge bass tuba and an even huger bass nose. Standing next to him is the most horrifyingly ugly pussy cat they had ever seen. The cat wealded in it's mouth a two-handed tongue with deadly skill. Bill (the cat) flailed out with his tounge striking Jafock with a solid blow to the head.

"This is not logical" said Jafock as he lapsed into unconsiousness on the ground.

The Music_room conference was paralized. As the terrible penguin played his horrible tuba very sickeningly, all they could do was cover their ears and scream painfully. Bill (the cat) then unleashed his horrible breath on the Battlestar Jafactica. The Battlestar's attack was not only stopped, but the whole ship was in danger of melting.

This was too much for the poor VAX it finnaly became overloaded with all the characters that everyone had introduced into the story and it began a partial shutdown of VAXnode-b. Many important files and hundreds of not so important characters were lost forever. Among them were:

32. THAT is silly!

Author: RITVAX::DAG7571 "Rocket Engineer"
Date: 4-FEB-1989 14:54

Among them were all of JAF'S notes (including about 239.3 which he had just written that very day!!)

AS all the terminals suddenly went dead, one person's agonizing scream could be heard above all the complaints that were rising all over the campus...

33. This is even sillier

Author: RITVAX::KGB8752 "The Valeyard"
Date: 5-FEB-1989 13:51

JAF was screaming louder than he had ever screamed before. "MY CHARACTERS!!! MY STORIES!!! THEY'RE ALL GONE!!! AARRGGHHH!"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a man appeared. He walked over to Jaf, handed him some kind of electronic bracelet and said, "Here. Put this on." After Jaf had put this on, the man lifted his arm, pressed a button on his bracelet and said, "Jaffon to Jaferator. Ready for teleport." And with that they both disappeared from the conference.

Back on the Jaferator, Jaf was greeted by 4 more people, all pointing guns at him. Jaffon said quickly, "No! Don't kill him yet! He's mine. Go lock him up."

But before anyone could lock him up, a voice came over the intercom, "I regret to inform you that there is a ship coming up on us fast." One of the men, Jafla, took Jaf to a room and locked him in.

Meanwhile, on the flight deck, Jaffon was staring at the viewscreen. On the screen was a huge spaceship shaped like Jaf holding a keyboard. "Oh my God! It's MegaJaf!!! And it's going from read to write!! Jafna! Take us out of here. Standard by 12."

"Standard by 12 confirmed."

Jaf was sitting in the locked room, contemplating his next story, when suddenly, he heard a screaching, whining sound. In front of him a tall, blue box materialised. It had a flashing light at the top, and just below that it said "Police Public Call Box". Jaf looked at it for a minute and decided that it looked like something to check out. He opened the door and walked in. A couple of seconds later a voice can be heard coming from inside the box. It's not Jaf's voice, it's someone else. "What are you doing in here! Get out of my TARDIS! DON'T TOUCH THAT!" The police box then dematerialised.

It later rematerialised on the RIT campus. There was a slight change though. Instead of "Police Public Call Box", it was now "Jaf's Public Call Box". The door suddenly opened, and Jaf ran out of the box in fear. "And stay out of my TARDIS!" the voice from inside said. The door closed and the box dematerialised. As it was dematerialising, the word "JAF'S" fell off the side of the box and clattered to the ground.

Jaf was once again at RIT..

34. He killed Joe!

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 5-FEB-1989 16:41

Jaf began to walk down the quarter mile, a group of people before him turned around in horror. "NO. It cant be!" One of them muttered.

"Yes, It's him!" one pointed a shaking finger in Jaf's direction.

"AARRRGGHH!!!" they all simultaneously screamed out at once. "RUN AWAY!" The group of terrified students immediately separated and began to run off in all directions. As they ran passed other students they incoherently mumbled one word, "J- J - Jaf." Causing the panicking students to drop their books and flee in terror.

Jaf, somewhat disoriented, grabs a student that tried to flee passed him. "What's everybody running away from?"

The poor student fell to his knees, with his last gasp of breath he uttered, "The smell. The sm.. is horr..ble.." Jaf immediately let go of the corpse.

"He got Joe! He killed JOE!" A voice screamed out from the side.

Somebody pounced onto Jaf's back, but he only resulted in sliding off in a pile of grease. Before Jaf could turn around, the entire campus either ran away in a fit of screams or began to approach him with caution. With in minutes he was surrounded by angry, snarling students, each of which had a noseplug.

All he could do was spin around in circles as the crowd rushed in......

35. Finals in two weeks, and I'm doing this??

Author: RITVAX::JSK9551
Date: 8-FEB-1989 15:16

..then he noticed that high overhead, a dippy looking flying saucer was coming in for a landing. It dropped quickly, and all of the remaining students who'd been chasing JAF ran away in panic. JAF, however, bravely stood his ground.

"It's the JAFiter two!" he thought to himself in relief.

The spaceship landed on the edge of the baseball field near the quarter mile. In landing, it crushed the official RIT plaque saying "On this spot will be built the student life building, with groundbreaking to start no earlier than 1998." By a strange coinci- dence, this was the exact year that the JAFiter two had left Earth.

"What are you doing here?" JAF asked the first person who left the saucer, a foppish-looking middle aged man. The man was unable to answer, as he was too busy kissing the ground.

"That's not very huygenic, Doctor Smith," a middle aged woman said to him as she followed him out.

"Madam, I don't care," he said in response. He had by now given up kissing the ground, and was busy throwing dirt all over himself. "Oh Earth! Blessed Earth! I never though we'd make it!"

"We have to leave, Doctor Smith," a teenage boy told the man as he walked out of the ship." He reminded JAF of the dweeb who had ruined the first season of Star Trek: the Next Generation.

"Leave? Never!" Smith said firmly. "We're home. HOME!"

"Yes, but it's the wrong time," Will answered. "Don says this is only 1989--we're 9 years early."

"What's a few years?" Smith asked. "I'll stay behind. Major West never liked me anyway. But I'll miss you..and I'll miss dear, dear Penny."

"Come inside and say goodbye then, Doctor Smith."

"Never! You might trick me again...like the time we came back before. Let THEM come out HERE."

"Whatever you say." The rest of the JAFpiter crew filed out.

"WARNING!" the robot suddenly said as it came out. "There is danger, Will Robinson. WARNING! WARNING!"

"Gee, what's the matter?" Will asked. There's nobody here..except that one guy looking at us."

"IT IS JAF! DANGER! DANGER!"

"You can't stay here, Doctor Smith," John Robinson said. "If that's JAF, you could be killed."

"KILLED?" Doctor Smith. "But how..he's....just a college student."

"Bored to death," Will said. "You'll hear hours of dialogue from movies you've never seen, pointless anecdotes about untalented actors and unfunny scenes..and never a chance to get a word in edgewise."

"Sounds horrible," Smith agreed. He had by now hidden behind Will and was using him as a shield, as usual.

"C'mon, doctor Smith. We'll land somewhere else and drop you off."

"You won't try to get us back to our own time first? You'll let me off?"

"That's a promise, Smith." Don said.

"Then take me to Genoseo. I have some unfinished business at a sorority there.." his voice trailed off as they went back into the saucer, which promptly took off and headed southwest.

JAF was left by himself, as was usually the case when people had a choice. There was no remnant of the saucer's visit, save for a crushed sign and a round hole on the baseball field a few inches deep and about 20 feet wide. In the distance, he could see a reporter from the National Enquirer arriving.

"They certainly work fast." he thought to himself.

Unfortunately, the reporter was slated never to get his story. Incredibly, before he could get to JAF...

36. fast times at the Ritz

Author: RITVAX::MAP9717 "Major Chaos"
Date: 8-FEB-1989 15:34

....the reporter was trampled by the entire RIT rugby team as they pounded their way towards their prey. JAF! JAF looked on in horror as he saw the rugby team eye him like a football.

JAF started to run into the tunnels underneath the union. JAF managed to make it to the Ritz and hid behind the grease frier in the kitchen. The rugby team, failing to recognize him, went on by.

JAF thought to himself,"Why is everyone out to get me?"

JAF then made his way across the quarter mile to gracies computer center where he found.....

37. I can't explain this!

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 8-FEB-1989 20:27

were he found a short, ugly metallic robot leaning against one of the walls inside the lab. For some odd reason, when JAF entered the lab, everyone in site ran away in a fit of screams, but he didn't really notice this since he was so interested in the robot leaning against the back wall. Setting the cylindrical robot upright, he felt around for the on switch. His finger slid across a red lever. He pulled it.

Lights with numerous colors began to flicker around the peculiar familiar robot. It then spoke in a low low baritone. "BDBDBDBDBDBDBDDB HI BUCK BDBDBDBDBDBDBDB"

Jaff jumped back from the sudden outburst of sound.

The robot turned to face him, and spoke again. "BDBDBDBDBDBDBD WAIT A MINUTE BDBDBDBDBDBD" "BDBDBDBDBDBD YOUR NOT BUCK BDBDBDBDBD"

JAf's eyes went aglow with this new revelation, this was too good to be true. "No, I'm Jaf." He said in an excited voice. He slowly approach the machine with curious hands.

"BDBDBDBDBDBDBD JAF? BDBDBDBDBDBDBD"

"Yes, Jaf." His hand began to carress the cold steel.

"BDBDBDBDBD NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! BDBDBDBBDBDBDB"

The robot abruptly explodes into a ball of smoke and flame. The force of the explosion sent Jaf flying across the room, slamming him into the far end of the wall. Everything went black.

Jaf awoke to the sounds of waves splashing against rock. Raising his head he looked around. He was lying flat on his back, positioned in the middle of a beach; it seemed as if he was somehow stranded on a desserted island. Looking forward through hazy vision he watched a skinny man in a red shirt and a white fisherman's hat approach him. Next to him, a rotound balding man wearing a dark blue shirt and a skipper's hat walked next to him. He could hear their voices echo through his numbed ears.

"GILLIGAN!" The fat one yelled.

"What skipper?" The other replied happily, a long fishing rod was held in his hand.

38. Oh?

Author: RITVAX::JAF8477 "FLASH ø GORDON"
Date: 14-FEB-1989 11:51

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't know my mother owned a credit card, nor was I dead.

This is what happens when I go for just a little while. :|

I demand what this entire topic be terminated.

I don't find this very amusing at all.

39. untitled

Author: RITVAX::PCB4226 "Palidans? Bah. Give me a Lord."
Date: 14-FEB-1989 14:48 well the rest of us do.

and you're in no position to demand anything.

40. untitled

Author: RITVAX::JAF8477 "FLASH ø GORDON"
Date: 14-FEB-1989 15:29

WANNA BET? Right now, Bob Weeks is about to nuke this topic.

From Code of Conduct for Use of Information Systems and Computing's Facilities and Systems:

"8. You must not harass others e.g. by sending annoying, obscene, LIBELOUS or threatening messages.."

That, my "friend", is what it's all about. For anyone to stoop to such crude methods is inane, childish, and thoroughly in bad taste.

41. now just...chill for a sec there buddy.

Author: RITVAX::KLB4482
Date: 14-FEB-1989 15:46

aw.....

don't be a bad sport jaf... it's only because we <gulp> love you so much that we started this topic...

and a happy valentine's day to you too.. even if you are being grumpy.

42. untitled

Author: RITVAX::JAF8477 "FLASH ø GORDON"
Date: 14-FEB-1989 15:48

"Detruct code sequence activated. Now awaiting code for 1 minute countdown.."

"Zero Zero Zero..Destruct..Zero"

"Thank you. 60...59...58...57...56..."

43. untitled

Author: RITVAX::TCR7471 "The Snake Shall Live Forever"
Date: 14-FEB-1989 16:13

The Topic is safe..As of Now..I have it in my account so It can be recreated at a moments notice..ANYWHERE!

Destruct sequence in .43 is (hopefully) the self destruct sequence of jaf....:)

Kobra

44. untitled

Author: RITVAX::WJD1890 "Bike Doctor"
Date: 14-FEB-1989 16:20

You know, JAF, the story is kind of funny. You should be honored to have all those replies. If you get the topic canned, all those memories will be lost.

It's a shame you have to take it personally. You should have replied and kept it going. Even if you replied to yourself in this topic, it would be logical. Not to mention, you're alienating yourself.

45. untitled

Author: RITVAX::JAF8477 "FLASH ø GORDON"
Date: 14-FEB-1989 16:22

:) doesn't mean crap to me. Anybody who thinks :) will do anything is either a Pollyanna, or a jerk.

I'll be satisfied in knowing that hoarding an entire topic will eat you memory. :|

Let me ask you all a simple question:

How would YOU like someone to insult you in this manner? And don't give me that "I wouldn't mind" bullshit.

46. "All in good fun"? WHOSE good fun?

Author: RITVAX::JAF8477 "FLASH ø GORDON"
Date: 14-FEB-1989 16:29

RE: .45

Why SHOULDN'T I take it personally?

It's full of insults, and if I wanted that I'd call Don Rickles. It is NOT "all in good fun". It is derisive, insulting, and not to mention humiliting. I'm signing off for the next two weeks (mucho worko).

Hah! "Honored"! What does that make "Insulted"? I was better treated in SOC_II.

You're all lucky I didn't decide to ruin every story I contributed to by deleted all of my replies.

47. untitled

Author: RITVAX::ALZ3730 "Just say NO!..to VMS"
Date: 12-MAR-1989 17:58

"Gilligan!"

48. The Resurrection of the JAF Story(Who?)

Author: RITVAX::EJC2522
Date: 24-MAR-1989 13:52

JAF, being the way he is immediately began writing stories in the sand of what he considered a strange place(he had never been on, much the less knew what an island was)...

Meanwhile back at RIT, the NOTES users were mounting up an attack. They thought "AAHH!" we got him trapped now... everyone began talking military talk(as shown by the number of replies involving this recently) but this was just a cover, what really was going on was that a certain,(as of yet unknown) were writing letters to all the governments of the world urging them to nuke "Gilligan's Island". What the funniest thing of all is the reasons they were giving. For Example:

49. ..skipper..!!..

Author: RITVAX::TND4378 "Corwin of Amber"
Date: 11-APR-1989 20:32

... you nuke the island and we will forget your world bank debts.

needless to say the security council vetoed this ..cant have the little boys playing with the big toys..and besides who would be heartless enough to nuke an island nation ..;}

Meanwhile back on the island...

JAF had collected himself and made his way to the circle of huts. He found the cataways speculating over the nature of a long flexible pipe that ran out of the jungle, by the huts , and back out to the jungle.

"HEY I know what episode this is ..this is the one where the phone trunk cable washes on to the island during a storm and the professor figures out how to tap in to it so that the castaways can brek into conversations and ask for help." sayeth JAF.

" I think the best part is when you try to figure out how to build a recoil mechanism for the phone dial and try to make rubber out of some local tree saps and gilligan screws it all up by.."

{ SEGUE..later the scene pans in to the edge of a volcano cauldera to find JAF trussed up like a pig and the temperature and lava level rising, it seems that all the castaways finally agreed with one of gilligans ideas, namely that maybe the natives weren't so stupid and the odd sacrifice to the volcano sure couldn't hurt..}

" Hey they screwed up the script..this is not supposed to happen in the phone episode .."

If JAF could for thirty seconds divert his attentions from himself he might have noticed the strange events not three metres to his left. A strange technicolor pattern was forming, something like the the pattern that builds up when gasoline is spilled on water except far more colors changing far more rapidly..slowly taking a form..slowly taking on the outlines of a man..the aura fades leaving a man dressed in black, cloaked in black with a clasp in the form of a silver rose..at his side a sword..he draws from some recess under the cloak a deck of cards, which he fans out and selects one, replacing the rest. He seems to concentrate on the face of the card and begins to talk to semmingly empty air..

" Random..i have found the center of the shadow storms..they seem to be originating from an individual..a human..no he seems ordinary..wait i will check.."

The man lowers the card somewhat and again the the rainbow moire again appears , but much smaller , about a foot in diameter, about a foot in front of his face and he seems to be studying JAF through it.

" No Random..there can be no doubt that this is the source..but he seems most unwitting and inexperienced..they seemed to have him bound with simple ropes but he cannot escape..and believe it or not he has yet to notice my arrival...yes you are right ..it must be done..I will trump you when the deed is done.."

His hand passes over the card and he replaces the card beneath his cloak with the others.

" No i am quite sure there was not a sacrifice in this episode..now if this were episode number.."

" Do you wish to be free of your bonds youth..?.."

" Hey you dont belong here.." cries JAF, " you dont even resemble the mad doctor of episode number..."

Th man draws his sword, a mirror shooth silver blade which also seems to have the strange rainbow moire about it..

" Silence boy..do you wish to be free..?.."

" Well of course i do but i still can't figure what episode you are from..maybe you aren't from "Gilligan's Island..now that would be something ..maybe.."

The stranger , realizing that the sensless drone would continue took the first part of JAF's statement as assent and severed the bond with his sword. He grabbed JAF securely..

Finally JAF relized that something was happening.

" Hey ..whats going on.." ,JAF pleaded..

The moire reappeared an enveloped both the man and JAF..

" I am going to take you where you can do the least amount of damage to the universe.." answered the stranger.

The stranger began to walk, carrying JAF across his shoulders..the words of JAF's rantings lost between the worlds as the landscape continued to melt and reform around them . Slowly the landscaped steadied and the stranger slowed his place ..they had arrived at their destination ..the one place in the universe where it didn't matter what JAF did for it could not seriously affect the rest of the universe.

The blacktop slapped JAF into momentary silence as the traveller shrugged him off his shoulders.

" There is little here that he can do to this place that has not already been done" noted the stranger as he walked through the dull brick wall before him and NRH seemed to shudder at his passing. JAF had been returned to RIT..

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