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The Eddie Story

This story was written long ago, in the generic joke storage facility on the VAXCLUSTER at RIT. There were many authors, noted as the story goes on...

Contents

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                  <<< USER27:[PMB1566.NOTES]GENERIC.NOTE;1 >>>
                       -< generic joke storage facility >-

                                 The Eddie Story
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1. The Adventures of Ed

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 17-MAY-1989 13:17

Ed woke up to the meledous alarm that sang forth a new and wonderful day to explore new things and to learn exciting subjects. It took Ed a while to turn it off since he had put it in the closet.

"Surely, it saves space and keeps valuable space on my night table!" exclaimed Ed with a smile.

Ed took a shower. "My, don't I just love that wonderful spray of water to refresh my body for a vigourus day's activities!" Ed then got dressed. He found his socks in his refrigerator. "At least I keep them in there so I can store valuable objects in the dresser!" he smiled as he put on his bright red pants. Ed left his room after getting his books from the window ledge. "What a smart way to keep them! Now I have more desk space!" exclaimed Ed as he hugged himself.

On his way to breakfast, he noticed what a wonderful day it was, with the skies clear and blue and the day's challenges all set to meet him. Ed went to eat breakfast, putting his silverware in his socks. "That way I can put more food on my tray!" he theorized. After breakfast, he went to his Economics class. "Boy!" said Ed," I am sure looking forward to learning more about this exciting topic! I wish the math wasn't so hard, though!" said Ed as he sat down, getting his notebook from his Campus Connections bag and a pencil from his left

shoe, saving valuable space in his bookbag. Ed dutifully took notes in class, writing only on the margins. Now all that white area was his to jot down vital thoughts. After class, he went down to the Vax lab and merrily deleted all the new notes in Comics_can. "Wow!" sighed Ed, "Hacking sure is fun!" After spending a few minutes on the Vax Notes, he worked on his COBOL program.

"I sure can use my space saving techiques on the VAX in my programs!" he thought as the program's output immediately wiped itself out after being written on to the screen.

Finishing his lab, Ed walked out of the building and bumped into....

2. Damn labbies! Who do they think they are?

Author: RITVAX::PMB1566 "The Doctor #6"
Date: 17-MAY-1989 18:44

A large labbie! The collision was due to the fact that Ed was looking back at a rather nice female who was having troubles with the printer. (Of course, Ed's thought was, "Stupid people, sending binary files to the printer.") There was nothing Ed hated more than when some idiot got in the way. I mean, how is Ed supposed to get anywhere if people are standing in the way, or are trying to walk in the opposite direction. "Excuse me!" sarcastically Ed responded to the crash. The labbie looked down at him, and as Ed noticed the size of the labbie, he quickly got out of the way. "Oh sorry."

He continued on his way to Gracies, where he was going to eat. He loves Gracies. He wondered why ever one else called it Greasies. The food there was very good. Especially the hamburgers. It made it considerably easier to use the bathroom, since after you ate one everything came out nice and mushy. It would be nice to get back to his dorm room and take a nap after he ate. So, he ate his hamburger and went back home, where.....

3. untitled

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 25-SEP-1989 10:59

.... He decided not to take a nap, because he had so much work to do, taking 2 libarts and 2 business courses gives him a bunch of reading. So he sat down at his clear desk and began to read, where he stayed until well after midnight. Becomming so involved in his reading he forgot to go to class,and he forgot to go to dinner. Oh well, he was still behind, so he set his alarm clock for 3:00 A.M. the next morning. He took his shower at night, as usual, reading the book as he cleaned the daily grime from his body. He then went to sleep.

When the alarm went off, he gaily rose out of bed. But a unappreciative growl came from his roomates side of the room, where.....

4. untitled

Author: RITVAX::TCR7471 "The Snake Shall Live Forever"
Date: 25-SEP-1989 14:58

Brock rolled over and SNORED. Waking himself up with such a tremondous snore, and rolling over to see Ed getting up with the lights on and the stereo turned up just totally pissed off The Creeping Death. So to take out his fustrations he moved over to his computer and started to play Curse of Living With ED. In the game he was able to finally make it through the crouds to kill him.

But in life his solution was much more difficult, as he could not kill Ed because of .....

5. untitled

Author: RITVAX::KGB8752 "The Valeyard"
Date: 25-SEP-1989 16:34

the Campus Safety officer who was knocking on the door.

Brock opened the door and said, "Yes?"

The Campus Safety officer handed Brock a piece of paper and said....

6. I WON!

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 25-SEP-1989 16:49

CONGRATULATIONS!

"You have just won the Puiblishers Clearing House Award. You can pick up your 20 million dollar check at the mail room tomorrow. Now you don't have to put with Brick hell any longer" The Campus Safety officer smiles and leaves, leaving Brock a ticket for illegal being up at 3:00 A.M.

Brock screams aloud and smacks Ed on the back in his glory, giving Ed a sizeable bruise. He was so excited he immediatly kicked on the computer and began writing a letter to KC, ignoring Ed altogether.

7. Ed's further adventures

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 28-SEP-1989 17:42

Ed enuciated, "Ow!"

But Brock ignored him, using his Polynesian Clone to write his letter to K.C. Ed watched the screen for a while.

"Oh my sweet, the longer I stay from thine deep and thoughtful eyes , my heart becomes drained from its will to live. If I don't return to you soon, I shall wither away to..."

Ed smirked at the lines of drivel and picked up the big envelope with God , uh, Mr. McMahon on it. Indeed, Brock had won Twenty Million Dollars. Ed, being an economics expert, read the fine print.

"This document hereby awards the holder the sum of Twenty Million Dollars in increments of One Million dollars per year, drawable from the First National Bank, providence of the Island of Foobar".

Ed, having his Wall Stgreet Journal laid flat and unwrinkled on the side of his dresser (he's an Economics expert, see?) and looked up the exchange rate. Brock had won the grand total of $23.89 in United States dollars.

Ed told Brock of this fact and Brock knocked him unconscious. Just as he was kicking in the screen of his Pisa Chit Derrick walked in.

"Hey! Can I borrow $23.89 for a couple cases of Jolt?"

Brock threw the envelope at him and sat in his bed, muttering to himself. Derrick dissapeared. Ed regained consciousness.

"Why'd ya do that for?" whined Ed. Oh, well, 'life must press on" thought Ed to himself.

He returned to his reading, and much to his charagin, someone had done an indescrutable act, for in his trash can ticked a......

8. untitled

Author: RITVAX::PMB1566 "The Doctor #6"
Date: 29-SEP-1989 10:23

broken alarm clock. Ed heard the ticking, so he looked in the trashcan and found it. Removing it, he said to Brock, "Why did you throw this away? It can be fixed."

"It's 7 years old, ed. It works but it loses about 20 minutes every day. You can have it if you want it."

"Gee, thanks Brock." Ed proceded to set the clock 10 minutes fast, since it would lose 10 minutes over night, then set the alarm to wake him up in the morning. 'A free clock. Gee, that was nice of brock. Even though I'll have to set it ahead 20 minutes every day."

9. Back to Ed

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 29-SEP-1989 11:14

So Ed went to sleep. Ed dreamed about marrying some nice girl from church and having 200 kids.

Brock went to sleep. Brock dreamed about piloting a F-16 Falcon menancingly over the RIT Campus.

The alarm clock ticked the hours away. Fairly soon it rang Ed awake.

"Oh wow!" sang Ed, what a beautiful and melodous morning it is!" Ed streched out and breathed in the fresh and invigorating air from out the window.

Ed froze. This wasn't his bed. This wasn't his letter holder he made in Cub Scouts. This wasn't his room. Or was it?

The walls were covered with day-glo Peter Max posters. Narcotic smoke filled the air. Ed rushed out to the window. Good god, the campus looked different! There were a lot of people with long hair strumming guitars!

Oh no! Ed rushed around, found a calendar. Much to his fear, somehow he had been transported to the year.....

10. Ed in woodstock

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 29-SEP-1989 16:28

...to the year 1969, and he was reliving Woodstock, the ultimate. But this wasn't Ed, he just wasn't into free love. Maybe it was that Tv show he watched last night, what was it called "Quick Leap" No that wasn't it, "Quiet Jump" No, no, "Quantum Lept", well something like that. He cringed as he heard the sound of the great American pass, stretching he moaned, "Who cares?" He yawned and shut the window. "I must be dreaming." He looked to see if Brock was there, and instead he saw......

11. woodstock revisited

Author: RITVAX::KGB8752 "The Valeyard"
Date: 29-SEP-1989 18:37

...a luscious, well-built, 20-year-old blonde, covered with mud (and nothing else). She held a joint in one hand and the shreds of a tie-dye t-shirt in the other.

She offered the joint to Ed, "Wanna toke?"

Ed looked at her (she was really good looking) and said, "But, that's illegal, and it's destructive to the American economy."

"Huh??" She stared at him blankly.

"Well, don't you see? It's so obvious. By smoking that drug you are bolstering third world economies, thus creating more competition in the world market, which increases the chances of America becoming a second rate economic power. Besides, it's bad for the economy....and your body."

"Huh??"

Meanwhile, in the background, Jerry Garcia was striking up his guitar.......

12. I paid at RIT

Author: RITVAX::KGB8752 "The Valeyard", KGB8752 ("The Valeyard"), JAN1073 ("The Fourth Doctor"), PMB1566 ("Doctor #6")
Date: 29-SEP-1989 19:16

The RIT Song
(to the tune of "I Lost on Jeopardy" by Weird Al)

 
    O-o-o-o

    I was there to buy my intellect
    at brick hole R-I-T,
    From a plumber and an architect
    both with a PhD

    I was cold,
    I was freezing,
    I guess it just wasn't my life.
    
    Doctor Rose
    gave me the bill,
    oh, and I couldn't get my student loans.
    
    I paid at RIT, baby
    Ooooooooooooooo
    I paid at RIT, baby
    Ooooooooooooooo
    
    Oh well, I knew I was in trouble now
    my hopes of passing sank,
    'cause I got the Physics homework now
    and then my mind went blank
    
    I took Physics III for eight quarters
    then my debt started to climb,
    well, I'm givin' up, Campus Safety,
    just come on down and take me in, yeah, yeah
    
    I paid at RIT, baby
    Ooooooooooooooooooo
    I paid at RIT, baby
    Ooooooooooooooooooo
    
    (spoken)
    
    That's right, Ed, You FAILED!
    And let me tell you what you still owe:
    $20000 for labratory equipment
    A Keg of Orange Juice
    and a year's supply of parking tickets (courtesy of Campus Safety)...
    but that's not all:
    You've also proved that you're an Ediot in front of hundreds of people
    and you brought shame and disgrace on your family name for generations
      to come
    You don't get to come back next year!
    You don't even get a lousy copy of our advertisement!
    You're a COMPLETE FAILURE!
    
    (sing)
    
    Don't know what I was thinking of,
    I guess I just wasn't too bright,
    well, I sure hope I do better
    next year when I go to McCollege.
    
    I, I, I paid at RIT, baby
    Ooooooooooooooooooo
    I paid at RIT, baby
    Ooooooooooooooooooo
    
    I paid at RIT, baby!

13. Be prepared!

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 1-OCT-1989 11:36

Seing this luscious woman laying in the bed naked before him, Ed remembered what his old boy scout leader told him about such things.... He drifted back in time, remembering.....

(Song By Tom Lehrer, called "Be Prepared")

 
        Be Prepared!
        That's the boy scouts marching song,
        Be prepared!
        As through life you march along,
        Be prepared to hold your liquor pretty well,
        Don't write naughty words on walls if you can't spell.
    
        Be prepared!
        To hide that pack of cigarretes.
        Don't make book,
        If you can not cover bets.
        Keep that pot well hidden,
        Where you're sure that it will not be found,
        And be careful not to turn on when the scout master's around,
        For he only will insist that it be shared,
        Be prepared!
    
        Be prepared!
        That's the boy scouts solemn creed.
        Be prepared!
        And be clean in word and deed.
        Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
        unless you get a good percentage of her price.
    
        Be prepared!
        And be careful not to do,
        Your good deeds, when there's no one watching you.
        If you're looking for adventure of a new and different kind,
        And you come across a girl scout, who is similarly inclined,
        Don't be nervous, don't be flustered, don't be scared,
        BE PREPARED!
    
    
        Ed floated back to reality and prepared himself to.......

14. I had to do it!

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 2-OCT-1989 17:56

Ed prepared to leave for class, he was almost late! But what would he do with this chick, he pondered as she enticed him towards the bed. He shook his head and went to leave. As he opened the door he met Andy and Mike, well they seemed to be Andy and Mike but they had longer hair.

Ed smiled, "Could you two do a favor for me?"

Andy and Mike looked at each other and shrugged.

Ed: "She doesn't leave this room until I come and get her." Ed said, pointing to the sexy babe.

Andy: "Not to leave the room, even if you come to get her."

(Mike hiccups)

Ed: "No, no, until I come and get her."

Andy: "Until you come and get her, we're no to enter the room."

Ed: "No, no. You stay in the room and make sure she doesn't leave."

Andy: "And you'll come and get her."

(Mike hiccups)

Ed: "Right"

Andy: "We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop her entering the room."

Ed: "No, no, leaving the room."

Andy: "Leaving the room, yes."

Ed: "Alright?"

(Mike hiccups)

Andy: "Right. Oh! If, if, if, euhrrr, if, if, if ahh. if, if, we" Andy looks confused.

Ed: "Yes, what is it?"

Andy: "Oh, if, if, oh." Andy really looks puzzled.

Ed: "Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure she doesn't leave the room. Alright?"

(Mike hiccups)

Andy: "Oh, I remember. Uhh, Can she leave the room with us?"

Ed: "No. No, no. You just keep her in here and make sure-"

Andy: "Oh yes, we'll keep her in here, obviously. But, if she had to leave, and we were with her-"

Ed: "Just keep her in here!"

Andy: "Until you or anyone else."

Ed: "No, not anyone else, just me."

Andy: "Just you."

(Mike hiccups)

Ed: "Get back."

Andy: "Get back."

Ed: "Right?"

Andy: "Right, we'll stay here until you get back."

(Mike hiccups)

Ed: "And make sure she doesn't leave."

Andy: "What?"

Ed: "Make sure she doesn't leave."

Andy: "The girl?"

Ed: "Yes, make sure she doesn't leave."

Andy: "Oh yes of course, I thought you meant him" Andy points to Mike, who hiccups again. "You know, it seemed a bit daffy having to guard him when he's a guard."

Ed: "Is that clear?"

Andy: "Ohh, quite clear, no problems."

Ed: "Right." Ed leaves the room, Andy and Mike follow him. "Where are you going?"

Andy: "We're coming with you."

Ed: Somewhat flustered, "No, No, I want you to stay here and make sure, she doesn't leave!"

Andy: "Oh, I see, right."

Ed, finally satisfied, foolishly leaves the girl with Andy and Mike. After Ed finally made it to the ground floor he began his journey towards the other side. A few strange musicians stepped in stride behind him and began to play a familiar tune.

 
        "Bravely bold Sir Edward, walked forth from Ellingston.
         He was not afraid to fail, oh brave Sir Edward.
         He was not atol afraid to fail in  nasty ways.
         Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Edward.
    
         He was not in the least bit scared,
         to have his brain melted to a pulp,
         Or to have his eyes fall out,
         and his 4.0 broken.
         To have his GPA split, 
         and his homework burned away,
         and his brain all hacked and mangled,
         Brave Sir Edward.
    
         His hair messed up,
         And his aide cut off,
         And his clothing removed,
         And his bookbag lost,
         And himself was raped,
         And his car burned up,
         And his penis...."

Ed walked faster to get away from the singing minstrels. Suddenly he....

15. Derrick's epic

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 3-OCT-1989 00:20

slapped his forehead and exclaimed, "Holy Time Paradox!"

Something strange and sinster was happening to the very time/space fabric (which Ed's not to familiar, after all, fourth dimenstion integerals in a hyperdimensional plane is not covered in Economics I)! First, Ed was thrown back into time (a definate violation of Einstien's thereom of time dialation) in Woodstock, and now Mike and Andy appeared! By all rights, they should not exist. Neither should he, and why was he running to class? He was 20 years early!

Ed slowed down among a crowd and thought about his situation. He was knocked out of his reverie when he walked through what would be the CAU. He noticed that he had knocked down some markers. He set them upright. "Silly people," thought Ed, "Putting things on the ground where people would walk into them!". No one noticed that the quarter mile line of sight was blocked.

He then came by a big protest rally. Lots of hippies wearing indian jewelry and tie dyed t-shirts were sitting on the ground. Signs stating "Peace in Asia" and "No to Vietnam" littered the place.

"Gosh, going against the proper authorities is definately not a means of productivity!" Ed muttered to himself. He wandered around.

"Hey, man, want some magic brownies?" A cool dude offered a plate of brown squares. Ed was hungry, and the gardian of the dining commons wouldn't take his ID.

"Ok! Oh, yum, they're chocolate frosted, my favorite!" Ed said as he took a square.

"HEY, YOU!" shouted a Riot Squad officer in full combat gear. "DROP THAT OBJECT AND LIE FACE DOWN WITH YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!"

"Pig alert!" cried all the other hippies as they scattered. Ed was left there with his brownie.

"Who, me?" asked Ed, puzzled. This didn't look like RIT was making him PrioRITy #1.

"&%^*! IT, SCUM!" shouted the beefy red faced officer who kicked Ed to the ground.

"Now, let me tell you something about manners.." began Ed. He noticed that the officer wasn't listening. "Now there, I'm telling yhou something very important about your professional manner.."

POW! The rifle butt crashed against Ed's jaw!

Ed slumed to the ground, his mouth bleeding. He spat out a few teeth. "You realize, " said Ed through clentched teeth (what was left), "that this means a very angry letter to the Times-Union?"

"YOU"VE PUSHED TOO FAR! YOU'VE MADE ME MAD!" The officer raised his rifle.

Now when the universe violates such laws of physics as time constraints, not being two places at once in the same time, and getting more soda than ice at McDonalds, the universe goes all out. It is such an inconceivable and insurmontable play in the laws of mathematics and probability that almost any conceivable coincidence can occur. It was the case in Ed's part that a GammaRay-O-Matic (Radio Shack item # 456-098) spontaneously dissapeared from the Department of Defense's advanced weapons lab and appeared right in Ed's hand. The fact that it wasn't a bannana or a copy of the 2003 issue of People Magazine or a peice of Dinosar turd or even a can of Noodle-Roni that was being eaten by a lab worker in the same lab must be taken to account when marveling at the outright strangeness of it all. That it even came from Earth was even more remarkable, for space is really really big, I mean it's so big that if you think a walk to your local chemist is far...

OOps, wrong story...

Ed looked in surprise at the GammaRay-O-Matic that appeared in his hand.

"Wow, what a coincidence!" thoughbt Ed. He raised the sight and pulled the trigger before the officer pulled his, but not before Ed could read the officer's name tag.

F. Carrol.

"Dad!"

A brilliant flash from the GammaRay-O-Matic, and after that.......

16. Ed's pre-life

Author: RITVAX::JAN1073 "The Fourth Doctor"
Date: 5-OCT-1989 21:54

......after that, Ed blinked out of existance. Well, not REALLY out of existance, but it definately wasn't where he normally was.

Ed stood and looked slowly around. There was nothing to be seen for many feet. Or several yards. Or a few rods. Or many links. Or a bunch of chains. Or dozens of fuloughs. Or hundreds of miles. Or thousands of astronomical units. Or mabey there was. It was hard to tell in the dark. In fact, it was so dark Ed couldn't see his hand in front of his face.

"Gosh!" said Ed, "Now I can put anything anywhere I want and it will make efficient use of space since I won't know where it is! What a great idea!"

Then Ed heard a faint voice.......

He listened. It was still faint.

It stayed faint a little longer.

Then it was faint a little bit more.

He still couldn't make it out.

"thznwbxwlsrvtflwngareas.......djwie, efjwe..efwgeg.hohjbdf.."

"Geez, who could that be?" wondered Ed.

"Maybe they shot their dad too....say I wonder if he'll ground me when I get home...."

It was just above inaudible now...(the voice, that is)

"thsnsdf bx dfjerere bxe erfeqqwdknf"

"toddict ths nw box! ths box wl srv the flwng ars...."

"this new BOX! will offer the efficiency of the modern postal system to all those who use this BOX! This new !!BOX!! will serve the following areas.."

"What a stroke of luck," thought Ed, "now I can just write a letter and I will be able to leave!"

Then Ed realized that he would have to find the BOX in order to send his letter. Quickly he reached into his left front pocket, from which he pulled forth the lighting equipment from a lighthouse he had visited recently. "It sure is a good thing that I keep writing utensiles(sp) in my socks for just such an emergency."

Just as his was about to fire up the 1.5635 Gigawatt generator he had taken from his pack, Ed was wisked away.

RIT does not tolerate people who attempt to avoid paying their tuition by using multi-dimensional time travel. The almighty Bursar had located Ed in limbo, and see the situation, quickly fired Ed's dad at the same moment that he was about to go out and beat the ugly-looking punk who was scarfing down one of the hash brownies outside. This prevented Ed from zapping his dad and allowed him to give RIT lots of money down the road.

"Wow! I'm back home!" exclaimed Ed, "and look, my classes are already over and I can go back to my room. Then I will have to adress the matter of the young lady in my bed..."

Trotting along merrily and humming to himself about what a really nice and nifty thing life was, Ed went back to his room. Upon arriving there, he found that Brock had only just arrived about fifteen minutes earlier. Apparently wanted to set fire to Ed's bed, so he had taken the young lady, deflated her, folded her up and thrown her in the corner. Mike and Andy were nowhere to be seen. Brock was busy downloading information on weapons systems from the pentagon. Ed thought that this was all very strange and was about to sit down and do some of his fun economics homework when there was a knock at the door. Ed went over and opened the door. Standing in the door was a person with an unruly and unkemp mop of hair wearing some tacky clothing. Recognizing him instantly, Ed said..........

17. No Pizza For Ed

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 6-OCT-1989 12:07

"Are you Domino's?"

The scruffy man held a suitcase and looked quickly up and down the hall. He gave the suitcase to Ed and spoke in a low whisper, "Da boss wants da joib done by midnight tomorrow."

He handed Ed the suitcase and dissapeared.

Imagine, thought Ed, that someone would deliver pizza in a suitcase. Must be a new marketing scheme! And he did'nt even ask for a tip.

Ed sat the suitcase on his bed and opened it. To his dissapointment there was no pizza but a huge amount of cash. Man, and he was hungry, too!

Rows and rows of fresh new $100 bills in bundles sat on toop of the suitcase. Ed lifted one dejectedly and noticed that a wrapped package laid on the bottom. Mabye they put the pizza underneath!

Nope. All the package revealed was a high powered rifle with a night scope and a silencer. Several shells with a bored out pit filled with mercury came in a bag. These were high impact dum dum bullets, but of course Ed didn't realize that. Weaponry was never covered in Economics I.

Ed was feeling dejected. How could Domino's expect to stay in business if they didn't deliver pizza like they were supposed to?

Ed spied a brown envelope as it fell out of the suitcase. It was too small to hold a pizza, but he opened it anyway. A small note reading "Court session begins in three days. You get the other half when the job's finished. El Capo"

What other half? Thought Ed. I didn't get a pizza, not even half of one. And I remember it was Domino's, not this El Capo joint.

Ed was going to call to complain when he pulled out a 11x13 glossy photo of..........

18. Guns, pizza and duct tape.

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 6-OCT-1989 12:30

it was a detailed photograph a Gracie jones (The owner and creator of Gracies cafeteria at RIT) Ed looked confused, was this gracie person running Dominoes and this Al Capo pizza joints? (OF course Ed didn't know that Gracies was not designed yet, but in reality it was to be used as a illegal toxic waste dump disguised as a college cafeteria. The government CIA hired Al capone to nock of this evil Gracie gal, but now Ed was caught in the middle.)

As Ed tried to puzzle out the meaning of all the money, Brock wandered over and picked up the high powered rifle. "Hey, this is that new M16-a34/5ty asx Heat/laser guided shock proof voice activated automated loading flashless silenced completely automatic sub rifle." He smiled and pointedthe it out the window and began picking off Frat boys from the ninth story Ellingston window. "Gee, this is phun, can I get one?"

Just then a roll of duct tape rolled into the room, followed by a.....

19. chronological coordinates determined

Author: RITVAX::JAN1073 "The Fourth Doctor"
Date: 6-OCT-1989 17:25

....followed by a Domino's delivery boy!

"Great! I knew I'd get what I wanted if I wished hard enough !" exclaimed Ed with glee.

Suddenly, the delivery boy dropped the pizza on the floor and started to reach under his coat. Brock, however opened up and exercised his constitutionaly protected rights to pump fifteen thousand rounds into the disguised delivery boy.

"Darn it all," cried Ed, "he's dropped the pizza. I hope it isn't damaged!"

As Ed began to examine the pizza to assure himself that had all the right toppings on it that he had wished for, Brock returned to plugging frat brothers. Just as Ed was was about to go take a shower and eat his pizza and do his economics calculations and read his lib arts assignments, a man dressed in a suit followed by several people with television cameras barged into the room.

"Ed,...........THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!!" shouted the man, stuffing a michrophone in Ed's face.

"Gee, what a suprise!" exclaimed Ed.

Quickly lowering the michrophone, the man said "What do you mean a suprise? Aren't you Ed? Didn't our cleverly disguised agent come in and tell you we were coming? Are you the right Ed? I mean you are _the_ Ed, aren't you?" A worried look had appeared on his face.

"I mean it's a suprise. I'm Ed. The only person here was that guy," explained Ed, waving a hand in the direction of the few remaining pieces of appendage that were left of the agent," I don't know. I'm guess so."

"HOLY SH*T!!" shouted the man, now seeing what was left of his best agent and Brock reloading. "Lets get out of here!"

Gathering his wits and his camera crew, the man left quickly.

"O well," thought Ed as he carried his things to the bathroom, "I guess everybody's different"

It was at this point that that the Timelords noticed some confusion about exactly which time frame Ed was in. Normally, they ignored things such as this, but there was some concern about Ed living long enough to have children, so they quickly moved him ahead to 1989 Earth time. This would mean that Ed could then choke to death on the stray piece of blender that would break off the mixer for toxic waste disposal at gracies. This piece would then enter a hamburger patty which Ed would eat and then choke on. Were he to continue his life at RIT in 1969 and not choke to death and thus the possibility of his genes spreading would be dramatically increased. To accomplish this, they converded the shower stall he was using into a makem4_shift TARDIS and moved him to the correct time. Brock also returned since no one could figure out how he managed to appear in 1969. He was allowed to keep his new toy since it was decided he was doing a good thing with it, and was allowed to keep enough money to puchase a new computer since he had destroyed his other one. This matter rectified, the Timelords went on their way, neglecting to return the shower stall/TARDIS back to a proper shower stall.

Finishing his shower, pizza, economics homework, and some of his lib arts, Ed got out of the shower, dried off, and went back to his room to get dressed. Upon entering the room, he found Brock playing with his new 486 machine and smiling to himself as he calculated (at 42 MHz) the volume of TNT necessary to vaporise the RIT campus.

After getting dressed, Ed decided he was still hungry and was about to go to gracies when the door opened and into the room walked a large ear of coliflower holding......

20. Explosive Duct tape, talking cauli flowers, and Ed.

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 6-OCT-1989 19:21

Holding a humengous happy birthday card. An annoying whistle protruded from the upper section of the cauli flower's mangled face, a colorful long piece of plastic then flung out and struck Ed in the nose. "Happy Birthday." A squirmish voice squeeled. "Today is your lucky day."

"But it's not my Birthday, you know you could conserve more space if you...." Ed began mumbling.

"Happy birthday toooo youuuu." The foamy cauli flower danced around ed, throwing colored confetti over him as it sang.

"Hey you're making a mess." Ed bent down and began picking up each individual piece of confetti. Lucky for him, since Brock opened fired on the Cauli flower, completely disintegrating the poor singning telegram. An unluck suite mate happened to cross into the fire and flew across the bathroom and into the shower, smacking directly into the on switch. The disguised TARDIS fizzled away with the bloody corpse.

Ed, busy with his cleaning, missed the entire incident. Stanidng up he wiped cauli flower goop from his arms, "Hey, where it go? And why am I covered in this sticky residue?" Ed tried to wipe the white stuff from himself but failed, "Hey, I can know stick things to myself to save space. What an idea! I'll have to write this on down in my daily economical journal."

Brock again reloaded, the ammunition seemed to come from nowhere.

Ed smiled at himself for designing his original idea. He picked up the duct tape that had rolled in earlier, a small message was printed on the side. "Do not use the Tardis/shower again." Ed tossed the duct tape out the window, where a sizeable explosion occured afterward. A few Frat bodies flew up to the 9th story window, their charred bodies flying in all directions.

"Oh, goodie, more targets." Brock exclaimed as the bodies splattered against the window.

As Ed prepared to leave for Kung-Fu class, he ran into Derrick. Derrick seemed to look somewhat different today. There was a weird look in his eye. Oh well, ed thought, that was Derrick. As he was leaving the room, the Shower/Tardis was returning, containing......

21. But wait...It's....

Author: RITVAX::JAN1073 "The Fourth Doctor"
Date: 6-OCT-1989 20:22

....instructions!

Apparently the TARDIS had been sent to the local TARDIS jiffy-lube, where it was cleaned out and a new set of instructions provided. Clipped onto the instructions was a bill for 24.957 in galactic credits. (Galaxy Express accepted). Ed noticed none of this.

"I shall return to the shower and clean this goop off of me." declared Ed. "In fact, I will finish my lib arts homework while I'm at it, making more efficient use of my time! O, I am so clever!" cried Ed happily. Ed showered and did his homework. He failed to notice the 1,963 page tome lying on the floor of the stall. Humming happily to himself, Ed returned to his room andot himself dressed.

"Brock, my good fellow," chirped Ed, "would you care to join me for a sampling of the deletctible cuisine over at that fine dining hall, Grace Watson?"

"Burp!" responded Brock, gently placing his beloved weapon on his bed.

Taking that to be an affermative response, Ed left the romm with Brock following him. After waiting fifteen minute for the lift, they were dissapointed to discover that it was already filled with about 20 people.

Shrugging his shoulders, Brock forced his way into the lift, making just enough room for Ed to fit in.

"Hey, wow!" said a suprised Ed, "you made really efficient use of the floor space in the elevator, Brock. Good job." Ed merrily squeezed his way in.

It was at this point that the lift decided it would be unable to function properly with this much weight. So, as dictated by its programming, the lift closed its doors and died.

"Hey!" shouted someone in Ed's ear, "How come this @#%$%% piece of @^%^^@@#& @$%^$# has stopped?"

Panic quickly set in. Ed being the level-headed person that he was, however, suggested that everyone stop worrying so much and that they work together to remidy the situation. He was completely ignored. After a few more moments and the discovery that the emergency bell no longer worked, there were some desperate attempts to force the door open by using Ed's head as a prybar, but it was to no avail. The a skinny character with straight, dirty-blonde hair wearing a 'Doctor Who' tee shirt said:

"Let's all jump up and down in synch and then maybe it will move!"

This seemed like a good idea, so after a few poor starts the proper synch was achieved. It worked. The lift moved. The lift moved down. The lift moved quickly. The lift moved down very, very quickly. By the time everyone had realized just how quickly the lift was moving, it stopped. It stopped very quickly. It stopped quite violently, as a matter of fact.

The doors were ripped off their tracks by the sudden diplacement in both the mass of the lift and the mass of the people in it. After a few moments, the lift had drained completely. All the people in it left quickly, including the on-campus 24-hr lift repair man who was on his way to catch a plane for his two month vacation. "I'll fix it when I get back" he shouted over his shoulder as he left the building.

Ed, in the meantime, was still very comatose from having his head used as a basic tool. Brock picked him up and carried him to the dining hall. Once htere, the enticing aroma of laxative burgers awoke him and he cheerfuly mounted the steps to have his meal ticket punched. Brock followed.

After getting their meals, Brock and sat down and engaged in cheerful social banter. Suddenly, Ed's face turned white and he dropped the burger he was eating.

"Ed!" cried Brock, sensing something was amiss, "I sense that something is amiss!'

Waving his arms franticly, Ed fell to the floor.

"Are you choking?" asked Brock.

Giving the universally accepted symbol for "I am choking", Ed responded that he was indeed choking.

"Aha!" exclaimed Brock. "Now I must use the Heimilech (sp) manuver to help Ed.

Unfortunately, Brock was unable to dislodge the object impedeing Ed's windpipe. By that time, however, the emergency crew had arrived and quickly carted Ed off.

The next day, Brock went to the hospital to see Ed. He was told by the doctor (just a medical doctor) that Ed was in critical condition.

"What has happened to him?" asked Brock

"We have concluded that he was choking on the piece of a large hunk of a mixing device," replied the doctor.

"You mean from the burger grinder?" asked Brock puzzldly.

"No, we have identified it as being part of a large mechanism used for mixing toxic waste into more potent and deadly stuff that it already is." explained the doctor.

Shock and horror overcame Brock as he realized the implications of this. The governement must have known! They must have been responsible for not informing the students of the risks they were taking.

"The government is evil!" cried Brock, "And if ours is the best in the world, then the others must be far worse!"

With this thought in mind, Brock's purpose dawned on him. His mission......

His God-given task.....

His life's meaning.......

To destroy the governments of the world!!

"Your pain shall be avenged, Ed!" creid Brock as he ran to his dorm room. "I shall destroy all those in positions of power and responsibility!"

Quickly, Brock gathered his weapn, his box of endless ammo, his CIA and pentagon files and and prepared to take on the whole of the civilized world......

What will happen to Brock? Is theis the end of ED?!? If so, where will the story go? Stay tuned!

22. Era of Ed

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 6-OCT-1989 21:22

Brock ran off with his Ammunition and Bob, the rifle that now had become Brock's best friend.

However, he was stopped by a giant Zucchini (the cauliflower's brother?) who presented him with a gigantic envelope.

"Today's your lucky day!" belched the gigantic green foamed messenger, "The United States Government has seen fit to award you with a $60,000 scholarship grant!"

Brock took the envelope and read doubfounded at the check. It was in *US* dollars, and coupled with the money from the suitcase, he was RICH! RICH! RICH!

Brock reasoned that if the United States could give deserving people like himself vast sums of money, then all the other governments must be even better!

So Brock amused himself for the rest of the afternoon by parachuting himself on top of building 1 and sniping at art majors who were scribbling on the quad asphalt with chalk.

Meanwhile, Ed was in the hospital trying to arrange the flowers people sent him to conserve space. He instructed the nurse on how he liked his IV inserted, and loudly complained when she took his temperature at the *wrong* end.

Better or not, Ed was discharged and kicked out into the street. He noted that his watch needed new batteries. He went to the local Radio Shack to pick up some standard watch batteries.

Bursting into the store, Ed loudly proclaimed , "I am in need of some Watch Batteries!"

"We don't have any." Shot back the store clerk, wearing photogrey glasses and a Dr. Who t-shirt.

"Well, uh, do you have any batteries?"

"No batteries. We're all out. We won't be getting any for two or three years."

"Well.."

"We have some RS-232 ports and 8" diskettess.."

"No, I don't need...." Ed had a relavation and quickly left the store.

Outside he turned up his collar to disguise himself and walked back in. He looked at some merchandise, and the clerk cleared his throat.

"Oh," said Ed, "I'm just browsing. I am NOT looking for watch batteries. I am just looking at things that are NOT watch batteries."

"Uh huh" said the clerk suspictiously.

"Oh, look at this Radio receiver that is NOT a watch battery."

"Are you looking for anything?"

"Well, as long as I'm here, I could really use some wire."

"We're sold out. All gone. No wire."

"How about some 1 gauge wire or coaxal cable?"

"All out. Just sold it all. No wire of any type."

"Hmm" Said Ed, " How about a resistor? I could use a ..."

"No resistors. We sold out a long time ago. Next shipment is in 1995."

"Well, then, what do you have?" asked Ed plantively.

"All we have are watch batteries."

"Well, I'll take a dozen, then" said Ed.

Too late! The clerk realized that he had fallen in a devious trap! Snarling, he rang up the watch batteries and asked for Ed's address, phone number, and life history. Not wanting to have his residence fire-bombed, Ed rattled Brock's address instead of his. "How smart I am!" thought Ed to himself.

The clerk didn't even offer to put Ed on the mailing list. Ed left quickly. * * * * * *

Brock mumbled furatively. For a whole week he had lived a life of sin and fornication, now that Ed wasn't there. Ed cleaned up all the Jolt bottles and joint butts, and shooed out the sorority girls who had made use of his bed.

Ed droned on about living a clean lifestyle , and in a huff, Brock left with Bob to sit on the steps.

Derrick, Pete, Kevin, Mike , and Jan were walking by. Noticing Brock's sullen expression, they asked, "Hey, Brock-o, why the sullen expression?"

For an answer, Brock reached into his back pocket, pulled out his drum set, and after a drumroll, started to sing.....

23. Living with an Ediot

Author: Brock Prusha (bjp2399), Derrick Williams (ADW3345), and Bob the wonder rifle
Date: 6-OCT-1989 21:28

to the tune of "Living with a Hernia" by Weird Al

EEEEWWWWW!!!!!

Help me out!  
PLEASE...

All he does is, 
Study and complain,
I go so batty, 
when he's there.
Went to see my counselor ,
Under the strain,
He told me that it's tough,
I have to live with Ed's stuff

(Dr.  Rose's number)

I looked up.

He tells me every day,
That my payment's not enough.

NNOOOOOO!

        Living with an Ediot.

                OW!
                All the time,
                Such agravation.

        Living with an Ediot.

                Going to ruin, 
                my one vacation. 

        Living with an Ediot.

                He is the,
                Scurge of the nation.   


I put him on hold,
HA

OOOWW!

When he,
complains,
Good god, 
drive me insane,
Carroll, Eddie Flaw,
He really makes me, 
climb up the wall,

Looks real funny.
Like a dolt,
Can't play tetris,
And he don't drink Jolt.

( I can't even take a sh*t now)

SAY IT

(That's where he has his fits, now)

Now, Think of what he's saving.

......ANYHOW!!!!

        Living with an Ediot

                HA!
                hurts him bad,
                in his absent vocation.

        Living with an Ediot.

                I had enough, 
                humilation,

        Living with an Ediot,

                YEEEEAAHHH!!!
                Give him,
                a brain alteration.
                        

        NNOOOWW!
        I live with an Ediot.

                I don't get up, 
                I won't bend over.

        I live with an Ediot.

        Pain's infinite.

You may not be,  familiar with the common types of Ediots Ed can be.
So just settle down and let me clue you in.. 
There's

                Ego's heavy
                                (Ego heavy)

                He wants his way
                                (Wants his way)

                SCATTER!
                                (SCATTER!)      

                Strangulate Ed!
                                (Strangulate ED!)

                Mega Ediot
                                (Mega Ediot)

                Biggest Ediot
                                (Biggest Ediot) 
                        

                Obstrusive, Belittled and a reject.
                (OBTRUSIVE)


        Living with an Ediot

                Captured,

                I say, it's causing me , 
                such iRITtation,

        Living with an Ediot


                WWWWOOOOOWWWW!!!!
                I've tripled,
                my medication.

        Living with an Ediot

                NNNOOO!!!
                He's like JAF!

Then suddenly, a massive piece of fly paper flew up and stuck to Kevin's back......

24. The $%#$%%# Vax is eating my text......

Author: RITVAX::JAN1073 "The Fourth Doctor"
Date: 6-OCT-1989 23:44

...."What's this?!?" demanded Kevin, not liking large sticky things stuck to his back.

"It looks like a large piece of flypaper to me, Kevin," said Peter, trying to figure out just where the paper had come from in the first place.

"I know!" excaimed Jan, his face brightening. "We could take Kevin and stick him to the wall of a very large building, where he could hang and direct women on the correct way of reaching us!"

This seemed to have a great deal of appeal to everyone except Ed and Kevin. Ed was sniveling about building codes or some such nonsense, and Kevin didn't like the idea of missing out on all the women. It was the voted that the paper be removed from Kevin and attached to Ed, who didn't seem very interested in women anyway, and then Kevin could be happy too. It was soon discovered, however, that the paper could not be removed from Kevin's shirt. After a great deal of thought by their collective intellects, it was decided to take off Kevin's shirt and put it on Ed and then Kevin could wear Ed's shirt, unless he didn't like it in which case he could have his pick from Ed's wardrobe.

This was quickly accomplished and Ed was hung just below the clock on Kate Gleason hall. Hopes were high as everyone went back to Peter & Kage's to drink Hi-res and Jolt. After waiting several hours, everyone began to wonder why the women weren't arriving. At first, everyone wanted to blame it Jan, since women seemed to have a natural aversion to him and tended to leave areas even before he got there. (there was some debate about wether or not they could tell where he was before they even got there, (and thus didn't go at all) but this was classified as yet another one of the mysteries in life and put in Brock's files under 'unexplained phenominae') Then someone pointed out the fact that maybe Ed wasn't trying very hard. So they all got up and went out to see Ed, who was still hanging under the clock.

"Hey Ed!" yelled Peter,"How come you aren't telling women how to get to my place?!?"

"Well," sighed Ed,"It seems none of them have been asking, so I haven't said much of anything to anyone."

At this very moment they all realized just why there were no females hoarding towards them: Ed just didn't radiate sex appeal. In fact, he didn't radiate anything at all.

This was also the moment when the flypaper decided that Ed was just too big to be a fly, and that it shouldn't be wasting its time holding him up when it could be doing what it was made for (i.e. catching flies, getting in people's hair, etc.). Ed dropped like a large brick. Fortunately for Ed, he landed on his head. (somewhere in another part of the galaxy, there was a moan of dissapointment by the high council of Timelords, their hopes of Ed's genetic pattern being ended soon shot down once again.)

Ed quickly got up and dusted himself off. "I don't think I want to do that again."

"Nate's run!" declared Derrick, breaking for the opening elevator he saw in the building. He was followed by everyone else.

This particular lift seemed to get confused before it even made it down the one floor to the basement, becoming stuck between one and the basement. After climbing out the lower half of the lift and proceeding towards Nate's the conversation turned to the future, and what the talk about was Jan...

25. Ed, Nate's and tires

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 7-OCT-1989 10:24

Jan's wonderful hairspray that he used everyday, Ed seemed to be quite interested after catching a whiff of Jan's hair. Ed inhaled behind Jan, "Gee Jan, I like your hairspray. What kind do you use?"

Jan adjusted his multihued galactic summer Hawiian t-shirt, with little red ruffles on the sleeves and nifty florescent buttons that had detailed naked woman drawn on them. "Why, Ed my good sir, I only use the best." Immediately Jan whipped out a small can of GoGo HairGlow. "This is what makes me, me."

Ed took the can from Jan. Maybe if he used this he would become the great guy Jan was. "Hey Jan can I have this?"

"Sure Ed, I have plenty more."

As the group walked towards Nathanials, with Pete and Kevin slamming mindlessly into doors along the way, Brock examined the can of GoGo HairGlow. "This has some very unique properties." He shook the can. Producing a lighter from his sleeve he sprayed the contents over the intense flame, scorching an innocent passerby with white hot fire. "Yes, this contains the same basic chemical composition of Napalm. " Brock smiled as he returned the can to Ed, the screams of the unfortunate student died as his body was reduced to a mass of quivering, smoldering bubbly flesh.

Entering Nates, Jan gave Brock the address of the place to buy the multipurposeful GoGo HairGlow. Once inside, Andy ordered his usual Mint root beer float, which Brock noted that it had numerous flameable properties. As usual, Ed was pushed back to the end of the line, even Mike and Jan, the freshman, pushed ahead of him. All this was done in the hopes that everyone would be done eating by the time Ed started.

Ed finally reached the Nate's clerk.

"How can I help you."

"In many ways!" Derrick yelled out from the back, gooey pizza cheese oozed down from his mouth to his ankles.

"I would likea-" A massive transformation suddenly took place in Ed, he began twitching violently, white foam spat from his mouth. Growling through barred teeth he slammed his ID card down on the table and snarled, "I want a mint ice cream root beer float!"

Startled, the clerk stepped back from this obviously drunk man. "I'm sorry sir, we're out of mint ice cream."

Ed's flaring eyes spun towards Andy, who was gargling on his favorite drink. Andy stopped in mid gargle, droplets of green saliva dripped down the side of his half open mouth. Ed began to approach Andy slowly, stalking him down like a rabid wolf. Seeing this Andy took advasive action and flung a napkin dispenser in Ed's direction. It harmlessly bounced of Ed's face, and richocheted to strike a deaf student in the head, nocking the student senseless.

Andy wasn't through yet. He picked up a standard Nate's chair and hurled it at Ed. But Ed ducked, and the chair flew into the clerk, splattering blood in all directions. A campus Safety officer ran into the room, but clumsily slid across the growing pools of blood and smashed into the ice box's, knocking cold soda cans everywhere.

A Nathanial's manager leaped over the counter and grabbed Ed, "ALright, enough!" The large man yelled. Ed simply turn around, forcefully spinning the man from his back and throwing him into the blinkinb Nate's sign. (This was noted in Brock's book of unexplained phenomina as the first time the Nate's sign actually functioned properly.)

Ed turned again towards Andy, everyone else, except Brock, backed away towards the exit. Brock kicked over the table and somehow broke off two metal legs and gave one to Andy. "I've been waiting for this."

As Ed stepped towards them, a radial vector firestone tire rolled into Nates and stopped before him.....

Meanwhile the TimeLords were apalled at this intervention of a tire, and they thought they had Ed for sure. What was the meaning of this tire......

26. Accelerate Ed

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 9-OCT-1989 18:34

And suddenly silence broke out. For there, insolently smoking a cigarette was Anti-Ed. This student, majoring in Pan-Hyperdimensional Genetic Programming, was Ed's opposite being. With a body of a God, Anti-Ed brushed away the drooling girls that were clinging on to him. He threw his cigarette at the cashier who clutched it to her chest like some valuable object.

Ignoring the silenced commotion, he straightened his black leather jacket with 32 zippers, licked his lips, and spoke, "One mint root beer float. Now."

"Oh, yes, Anti Ed, anything you want!" breathed the casheir, who not only had his cigarette butt *and* got to serve this living hunk. Another person who normally made chicken wings stove to the ice cream vats and prepared to make the milkshake. The cashier noticed this and exclaimed, "Hey, I'm supposed to make the milkshake!"

With that, a tremendous fight broke out among all the girls over who would be the one to have the *privlege* ov serving Anti-Ed.

Soon the manager gave Anti-Ed a *free* milkshake. "Sorry about the inconveinence, sir!" apologized the manager, who put $50 in Anti Ed's Debit account to reimburse him for the trouble he went through.

Anti Ed merely snorted and snapped his fingers. Two gorgeous looking girls accompained him to a table, cleaned off the seat, and helped him sit down. Every girl stared greedily at Anti-Ed.

Ed was disturbed by this. How come they wouldn't serve him the Mint Milkshake? His friends looked away shamefully at Ed's glaring deficiencies.

Derrick, Brock, Pete, Andy, Kevin, and et al. who were all physics experts, noted the polarity of Ed and his couterpart.

"Perhaps," stated Brock, "That if these two were somehow fused together..."

"You mean, they would become... N.." Pete choked on the 'n' word, "Normal?"

"Indeed!" Stated Andy, who wrote the fomula on the back of a paper napkin.

Thus began the construction of the Superconducting SuperEd Collider. A vast tube streching for many miles from the elevator of Tower A to Fish Hall covered with a morass of wires and control devices that went 'ping!'. At last it became time to activate the Machine.

Derrick, wearing a anti-radiation suit, opened the power hatch, and carefully taking a can of Jolt from a cooler, poured the ultra-high power liquid down the fusion reactor.

The Ed Collider sprang to life, Jan sat at the control panel, and studying the instrumentation carefully, pressed the sole feature, a button marked "Start".

At opposite ends of the collider, Ed and Anti-Ed were attreacted by terrible accelerating forces that propelled them near the speed of light. Faster and faster the two went, heading for a terrible collision. Faster they went, until time dialated, streching as if space was put on "slow forward".

"Wait a minute," said Ed, who was evasedropping on the Narration, "You mean, time is going on slow here, but is normal there?"

Yes, Ed. Relatively speaking, that is.

"Goody!" Said Ed delightfully, "Now I can get more homework done! This sure is the most efficient way of getting ahead in your work!" Ed prompted to do his lib arts and some of his Economics homework.

Faster and faster the two went, nanoseconds flashed past. Then the Jolt ran out! Everyone looked at Derrick, who asamedly admitted that he had drunk half of the supply. Just microseconds apart, Ed and Anti Ed were millimeters apart, with a blinding flash and a loud "ping!", the machine exploded in the section in front of the Corner Store. Emerging from the rubble and burst potato chip bags, emerged........

27. Ed, Jolt, and lifts

Author: RITVAX::KGB8752 "The Valeyard"
Date: 9-OCT-1989 21:09

The living essence of JOLT!! A giant can of Jolt had appeared.

"I am.....I am......um......"

"JOLT!", cried Derrick.

"Yeah. That's right. I am JOLT!"

"Wow! My hero!" Derrick yelped happily.

Derrick tried to climb up the can of Jolt to open the top. "Wow! This could last me a whole hour! And it's FREE!"

"Hey! Cut that out!" the Jolt can shouted.

Derrick forcefully tore open the lid.

"MY BRAIN HURTS!" the Jolt can moaned.

Derrick drank the Jolt can's "brain" in the usual manner in which he imbibed Jolt. That is, he chugged it.

After he was done, the Jolt can fell to the floor and rolled away. Deprived of its own caffeine, it then became.........

ED!

"Now look what you've done, Derrick! You brought him back!" cried Andy unhappily.

"I can remedy that!" shouted Brock as he lifted Bob, the wonder rifle.

"Brock! No!" shouted the elevator, opening its doors and coming out of the shaft. "If you do that, lots of blood will run under me and short my circuits."

"A LIFT! Let's HACK IT! HACK A LIFT!!!!" Pete shouted.

"HACK A LIFT!"

"HACK A LIFT!"

The lift screamed in horror and ran back to the shaft, to no avail. Pete was already upon it and forcing the doors open. They finally opened with a satisfying grinding noise.

"Ouch! That hurts! Stop that! You're having too much fun!" screamed the lift.

Pete started poking at the new buttons and switches he had found.

"Hmm. I wonder what this does." He pressed a large red button labelled "Never, ever, under ANY circumstances, even THINK of pressing or even TOUCHING this button!" and.........

28. Evil Ed!

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 11-OCT-1989 15:43

Pete pushed the button. The elevator began a sudden massive transformation. The metal bindings snapped into arms and leggs, digits protruded from the stretching metal. The gray color toned to a light peach and a skinny elongated head erupted from the collapsing center. Black hair grew atop the forming head. Suddenly Mike realized what was happening. "It's turning into Ed....."

Pete was so confused, he just stood there and watched until Brock pulled him back from the transformation.

"Do something!" Somebody screamed as the Ed emerged from the empty shaft. But this wasn't Ed, it wasn't the Anti Ed, it was Evil Ed. All of Ed's secret desires to kill, maim, and destroy were all represented by this malicious, saliva drooling monster.

"Must conserve space!" The Ed zombiie muttered aloud in a monotonic voice. Picking up a small freshman wearing a fraternity jacket, Ed began squishing the helpless student into a small ball. "Must conserve space!" Soon, his thrashing victim was the size of tire, gushing blood and ooze in all directions. Ignoring the shower of blood, Evil Ed (or called EE for short) slammed the ball of flesh into the wall, crushing every bone into worthless dust. "Must conserve Space!" EE droned on, smashing the basketball of flesh into the stone wall. The others watched gleefully as Evil Ed turned the frat boy into a small hockey puck. After EE dropped it to the floor, Pete and Kevin began kicking it around yelling "Hockey". But everyone was an enemy to EE. It grabbed for Kevin as he passed. "HEY!" Kevin shouted as the demonic Ed lifted him from the floor. Immediately Brock slammed Bob into Ed, freeing Kevin and knocking Ed against the wall.

"I found something!" Jan yelled from the elevator shaft. "It's a button labeled 'If you were foolish enough to press the button labeled do not press this button then press this button to restore the universe to order.'"

Hearing this, everyone rushed towards Jan, while Brock and Derrick held off Evil Ed by repeatedly doing their favorite smash act on him.

"I can't reach it." Jan growled as he stretched to reach the button.

Andy and Mike tried to lift Jan, but he was to heavy. "Pete your the lightest." Kevin instructed. "We'll lift you up to press the button."

Stuggling against the odd confinement of the elevator shaft, Jan, Kevin, Andy and Mike lifted Pete into the air. Just as Pete was about to touch the button, Andy gave out a terrifying scream and the pyramid went down into the shaft, entangled in each other's arms and legs.

"Hurry up, we can't hold him off much longer!" Brock yelled from the top as slammed into Ed, smashing him into Derrick who was on the other side. Evil Ed simply continued to walk towards the elevator shaft. "Conserve Space. Need to conserve space!"

After reogranizing themselves, they finally lifted Pete high enough to press the button, just as Brock and Derrick slammed into EE for the fiftieth time. But nothing happened, well almost nothing. Instead of Evil Ed turning back into the elevator, he.......

29. EDDIE HORROR PICTURE SHOW

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 11-OCT-1989 18:11

Stopped to tie his shoelace.

Pete finally managed to push the button, and the universe transformed into

THE EDDIE HORROR PICTURE SHOW!
[Complete with audience participation in italics.]

Ed [jerk!] stopped and shuddered. With a PING he shrunk back into a normal sized Ed [jerk!]. He laid unconscious on the floor.

Derrick [yay!] said, to Brock [slob!] , "well, that took care of him!"

Ed [jerk!] regained consciousness. He muttered [hey Ed, [jerk!] what's your opinion of the Auswiztch Gas ovens?] "Whoa. What an efficient use of space!"

Pete [pencil neck!] walked out and saw what happened [hey Pete, say "jerk" in french!] "Ed! Are you all right?"

[Hey Ed [jerk!] sing the lumberjack song!] "I'm ok.." said Ed, shaking his head. [Ed [jerk!] get up and scratch your ear!] Ed [jerk!] got up and scratched his ear.

"Well, that's just life [I like your wife!]. I guess it's not every day that one gets to change into an elevator!" [Ed, [jerk!] describe what you think that Wesson oil party!] "What an experience!"

Suddenly Derrick [yay!] started to feel queasy [sleazy!] and fell to the floor. He writhed with a grimace in his face , and to everyone's astonishment, his stomach started undulating!

[Hey, Andy [dope!], describe your girlfriend's pregancy!] "Look, something's writhing in that stomach!

In a shower of Jolt and blood burst forth a hideous creature, which sent everyone reeling back! [and always before a big date!]

Pete [pencil neck!] gasped, "It's an EDLIEN!"

[make like an MGM Lion!] "ARRRRRRRAAAAAAARRR!" [Derrick, describe your mother!] A hideous thing with black hair and beady eyes crawled away from Derrick's unconcious body and ran up the elevator shaft!

Jan [Technicolor Yawn!] said, [Jan [technicolor Yawn!] describe your feelings about VD!] "We have to catch it!"

[Mike, what will we do at your party this weekend?] "We'll split up in pairs!"

So the group prepared to hunt for the menance that roamed the halls. They went to Kevin and Pete's dorm, and Pete opened up his closet. Just for such emergencies, he had stored away a.....

[audience holds breath and throws Slime at the screen...]

30. untitled

Author: RITVAX::KGB8752 "The Valeyard"
Date: 11-OCT-1989 22:11 Ed, fire alarms, and BOXes

BOX! Pete [pencil-neck!] said to Brock [slob!], "We can throw this BOX! over the Edlien!"

Kevin [our hero!] said, "No, no, no, no, no! That won't work!"

The whole group (that is Mike, Jan [technicolor yawn!], Brock [slob!], Kevin [our hero!], Derrick [yay!], Andy [dope!], and Pete [pencil neck!]) went to find the Edlien. Of course, Brock [slob!] was still carrying Bob [bang!], the wonder rifle, so he was prepared for anything, except of course what would happen in the next paragraph.

The Edlien ran up behind Brock [slob!] and jumped on his back. [Hey, Brock, look behind you!] Brock turned around, but of course, the Edlien was firmly attached to his back, so he didn't see anything.

[Hey, Andy [dope!], where's your underwear?] "Look, it's jumped on Brock's [slob!] back!"

[Andy [dope!] your girlfriend's a virgin!] Jan said, "We'll have to do something about that."

Mike ran over to the fire alarm and pulled it. "Maybe we can get some Campus Safety [PIGS!] here to help!"

But, when Mike pulled the fire alarm, the usual and expected BZZZZZZZZ sound did not occur. Instead, the alarm BOX! fell off the wall and was now hanging by its wires.

[How's your vacuum Pete?] "It sucks doesn't it?"

"Yeah! But, Campus Safety [BACON! PIGS!] probably wouldn't have helped anyway."

[Andy [dope!]: true or false, you are really, REALLY stupid] "True. Very true indeed."

Meanwhile, the Edlien still clung to Brock's [slob!] back. Kevin [our hero!], reached over and pulled the Edlien off Brock's [slob!] back and threw it very hard against the dangling alarm BOX!

When the Edlien hit the BOX! two things happened. One, the Edlien was pretty much toasted (and, I mean REALLY cooked) because the fire alarm was powered directly by the high voltage lines from the nuclear reactor in building 8. And, two, the fire alarm went off. [BZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!]

[There's a wild sex orgy at Sol 8 right now, guys!] "Let's go before Campus Safety [PIGS! BACON!] finds us!", Derrick [yay!] said.

They were just about to leave when they heard something behind them. Andy [dope!] turned around and saw...........

31. Sorry it was late.....

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 11-OCT-1989 23:28

EdAUD(jerk!) hugging his motherAUD(unfortunate character) and sobbing all over her. AndyAUD(dope!) walked up to her, [What Andy says to himself in the shower] "I should whack you for what you did!"

BrockAUD(slob!) Aimed BobAUD(bang!) in Ed'sAUD(jerk's!) direction. [What Everyone feels about RIT] "I've had enough!!!!!!!!"

A sudden and strange thing occurred, BobAUD(bang!) didn't go bang, the rifle seemingly ran out of ammunition. BrockAUD(slob!) was not very pleased about this, not at all. He began to take it out on the four Campus Safety [PIGGS!] that had arrived.

Then PhilAUD(soup bowl!) entered the room, carrying....

32. rubber chicken? did i hear rubber chickens?

Author: RITVAX::PCB4226 "Shádöw Rîdèr"
Date: 13-OCT-1989 15:44

....carring a tire, a roll of duct tape, and a duck. "Duck?" someone said, hence they all didh point part of the faulty reinforced asbestos ceilings gave way, crushing 9 out of 10 campus safety officers.

When the dust had settled, only Phil and Ed were left standing; the duck and the rest of the gang were prone on the floor. Ed started to say "This is not an efficient use of building materials" shaking his head, looking over at the pile of rent-a-cops and remarking on this effect on todays open market prices.

"No! It cant be!", said phil. Kevin simply looked over, "Huh?". Brock was weeping sullenly, hoping that the windfall had taken out ed, and musing about how bob ran out of ammo. "Edvis !!!"

Peter "Now I can see the resemblence." But "No, hes right! this is the one true Edvis!" shouts Derrik! At which point Jan gets up and chases the duck around and down the hall into a biology laboratory in session...

33. Edvis lives!

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 13-OCT-1989 17:16

Jan went to stroke his duck as everyone looked at Edvis. Edvis sneered, "Wall, whad y'all starin' agape at, anyhows?" Among the flabbergasted looks Edvis swaggered and grabbed a guitar. "Now y'all adorin' fahns of mahn. Y'all deserve de very best, ahnd Ahm the best dere is".

With a one-two Edvis rocked his hips and tuned the guitar. Then in his glory, Edvis began to sing.....

34. Ed, dead audiences and Bob

Author: RITVAX::KGB8752 "The Valeyard"
Date: 13-OCT-1989 17:26

[Oooooooooo. Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh. Edvis our hero!]

Brock [slob!] looked at the audience and screamed "SHUT UP YOU STUPID AUDIENCE!" He picked up Bob [bang!] and reloaded it with some ammo he found lying around. After reloading, he fired wildly into the audience. [Aarrrrrgggghhhhh!]

"Well that takes care of that damn audience," Andy [......dope..... dope.......{BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!}....ugh.....{thook}] said.

After all this, Edvis began to sing again.....

35. Drink It!

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 13-OCT-1989 20:31

In wild flare of lights and sound Edvis drained the power from the building, striking a famliar note to Weird Al's 'Eat it'. But instead, Derrick jumped to the stage with a microphone and produced his own lyrics 'Drink it!', refering to Jolt.

Multicolored lights flashed everywhere as Jan suddenly appeared, controlling a rather expensive light board. Red, blues, greens and yellows beamed everywhere, it was the perfect concert show. In his multihued shirt, Jan cranked the volume to full blast...

He Put a white spot light on Brock, who began slamming on a gong and going wild on a drum set that came from no where.

Andy jumped next to Derrick and Edvis, with a gleaming silver guitar in his hands. He began to play the intoduction. Then Pete joined in, his sleek black guitar hummed with the base. Wild and strange Keyboard synthesize sounds echoed from Kevin and Phil's direction as they hammered on two Roland keyboards. And in the center underneath glittering chaning lights, Derrick stood, singing....

 
    "How come your always such a stubborn young man,
     Don't want to drink Jolt like Me, Mike and Jan,
     Well don't you know that other students can't have it Japan,
     so drink it!  Just drink it.   [Andy emits a gurgle sound]
    
     If you have an early class, and you can't be late,
     Just drink some jolt and it will make you feel great,
     Get it at the corner store or get it at Nates,
     So drink it. 
     Don't you tell me your tired.
     Just drink IT!  [Andy and Pete go to the same mike 'Drink IT']
     Drink IT!
     Get yourself a can and chug it!
     
     Have some more caffine,
     widen your eyes,
     It doesn't mattter,
     If it gets on your tie.
    
      Just drink It.  [Phil deep voices booms 'Drink IT!']
      Just drink It.  [Pete's high voice rings 'Drink IT']
      Just drink It.  [Pete and Phil sing on key 'Drink IT!']
      Just drink it.  [Pete echoes 'Drink it']
      OOOO
    
      Your study manners are a crying shame,
      Your playing with your life, this ain't some kind of game,
      Now if you fall asleep, you'll just have yourself to blame.
      So Drink It.
      Just Drink It.
    
                [Andy gargles again, then Brock burps obnoxiously.]
    
      [As the lights change, Derrick dances with Edvis and points at Ed]
    
     You better listen, better do what your told,
     You haven't even took a sip from your can of Jolt, [Kevin yells 'OOOO']   
     You better drink it now or it's gonna loose cold,
     So drink It.  I don't care if your full.
     
     Just Drink It.  [Andy and Pete sing in tune, 'Drink it']
     Drink It.  [Kevin and Phil join in, 'Drink It.']
     Open up your mouth and drink it. 
    
     Have some more surgar,
     Drink it like Jan,
     It doesn't matter,
     If its bottled or canned.
     Just drink it.       [Under red light Phil echoes 'Drink It']
     Drink it.            [Under blue light, Pete echoes 'Drink it']
    
     Or I'm going to drink it.
     
     Have a whole can,
     Have a whole pack,
     And after your done,
     Put the can on a stack.
     Just drink it, drink it, drink it, drink it....
     drink it, drink it, drink it, drink it....
            [Brock hammers on the drums and breaths heavily]
    
     Andy jumps into the white light and begins strining his guitar, Edvis
    follows his steps and the sound doubles.  Pete drops in, ramming his
    base as if it was an elevator.  Soon the sound grows to heavy and Jan
    can't control the sound and the entire building is reduced to ash. 
    Through clouds of smoke, the band rocks on, and Derrick struts towards
    Ed, with Andy, Edvis and Pete jamming behind him.
    
     Drink It.      [Andy and Pete echo 'Drink It']
     Drink It.      [Phil and Kevin echo 'Drink it']
    
     If your getting slow, chug it.
    
     Have a big bottle,
     Have a six pack,
     If you drink to much,
     Your eyes will turn black.
    
     Just Drink it.       [Andy howls out as he spins around 'Yahhooo']
     Drink It.            [Pete, Kevin and Phil echo 'Drink It'
    
     Get yourself a can and chug it.   [Andy smiles 'Oh lord']
    
     Have some more caffine,  [Andy keeps howling]
     Have some more now,      [Everybody sings in tune 'drink it']
     If you want me too,
     I will show you how..

Once the music slows, Mike crys, "Why wasn't I in it?"

Derrick, sweating from the intense light heat and exertion, replied.....

36. untitled

Author: RITVAX::JAN1073
Date: 14-OCT-1989 15:33

..."Because you went to the corner store to buy Jolt!"

"O yeah," remembered Mike, now noticing the four cases of Jolt that he had under each arm.

"JOLT!" cried Jan and Derrick, charging in Mike's direction. Tackling him with a flying leap, they wrestled him to the ground and began to imbibe heavily in Jolt.

"Glug glug shlurp glug swallow gulp chug...."

Seeing the addictive properties of this drug, Edvis quickly perked up and swaggered over.

"Y'all don't s'pose you'da shar soma that?"

Derrick's eyes glazed over at the thought as he started his 11th can. Jan, however, being the good-natured soul that he was, proffered one to the king of rock 'n roll.

"Thanks," said Edvis, accepting the beverage and opening the can. Soon he had drunk the can. "Gosh, that's good. I'll have another." Whithin a few moments he had chugged enough to be classified on a level with Derrick.

"Gee Edvis,...um...don't you think you ought to go kinda easy there..." suggested Andy, observing the alarming rate at which the canned caffine was disappearing.

"Naw." Grunted Edvis, who then burped rudely.

There were only three cans left, and four Jolt addicts. Jan, Mike, Derrick and Edvis eyed each other warily.

"Well _I_ bought the Jolt, so I should get one." stated Mike reaching to take one of the cans.

"O no you don't!" interupted Jan. "I'm the one who blew his entire debit on the stuff, so _I_ get one." He quickly leaned over to scoff off one of the cans.

"Well I'm bigger than both of you," pointed out Derrick, "so _I_ should get one." He reached out to grasp a can as well.

"Ah'm afraid yer ahll wrong," said Edvis, standing tall. "Ah'm _THE KING_ so Ah gets _all_ of 'em." He spread his arms out and reversed the polarity of his charisma. Jan, Derrick and Mike didn't have a chance. Thrown away violently, thay landed as bruised piles of flesh against the sides of the nearest building. Picking up the cans, he left quickly.

"Where did Edvis go?" asked Peter, who just now noticed that the building no longer existed.

"I think he went to the loo." Replied Andy.

"I think that's a pretty good idea," said Derrick. "Those last 37 cans are starting to get to me. Mike and Jan, whose eyeballs were starting to turn yellow, concurred. The three of them wandered off in the direction that Edvis had gone.

Time passed.

Time passed more.

Time passed a little more.

Time passed just a teensy bit more than a little byte, which was three bits larger than a nibble.

"MY GOD!!!" cried Mike, running up to the others who had simply stood around for the last several minutes, "EDVIS IS DEAD!"

"NO!" cried Brock. "What happened?"

"We think it was an overdose," explained Mike "Edvis was found dead in a commode stall with three empty cans of Jolt and a copy of 'How to Conserve Space the Easy Way' by a drunk frat boy. The pigs will be here soon to investigate."

At that moment Derrick and Jan came running up, carrying......

37. Eddie Epic

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 14-OCT-1989 16:07

With an ECR heart massager!

They all crowded into the stall and tried to use CPR on Edvis. Edvis stirred and sneered, "Hey y'all, I was just-a restin' mah eyes, doahn't ya even take a pulse?"

"Gosh, sorry, Edvis, but we didn't know.."

"Hey, y'all, doahn't fergit that ah'm the king, and ah've got special reshureective powhers, so ah'm always in perfeht health."

"Really?" gasped Edvis's fans.

"Whel, af coarse!" said Edvis, who demonstrated by touching Derrick's stomach, which was still trailing intestines from the nasty affair with the Edlien. It shimmerred and in its place was his hairy Jolt pot, new as always!"

"Wow!" Said Derrick, "Now I won't have to worry about losing my lunch again!"

They all tried to touch Edvis. Mike exclaimed, "I can think! My god, I can think! I'll prove it... E=mc^2.... 1+1=2.... Wow!"

Brock gasped,"My ulcer! My ulcer's gone! Now I can eat fire hot chicken wings and jolt and fireballs and bottles of tabasco sauce and jalepeno peppers!"

Jan exclaimed, "My taste in clothes! It's now chic! I'll go buy the latest issue of GQ!"

Kevin exclaimed, "My GPA! It's improved!"

Pete looked at astonishment at his bulging muscles. Huge pistons of rock-hard flesh popping with veins erupted on his limbs. His chest expanded from 20" to a hulking 60" and he juggled Brock, Mike, and Jan with ease as he crushed a trash can with his foot. The other Pete admired his real haircut, with a wave in the middle!

So now that everyone had basked in the glory of Edvis, for the true god that he is, they all proclaimed their undying support to the word of Edvis.

Suddenly, an explosion rocked from the elevator!

"now whut the heill is thet thang doin ?"

To their utter astonishment, a troop of Girl Scouts emerged, selling....

38. EDBUSTERS!

Author: RITVAX::MJC8443
Date: 14-OCT-1989 17:03

...selling sexual favors.

Phil, not being interested in that sort of thing, shooed them away. After beating Phil to a bloody pulp, the rest of the group sat down to await the arrival of the pigs.

Just then, a fearful, dreadful, appalling, awful, frightening, ghastly, horrendous, horrible, shocking, terrifying thing happened. From the rubble of the building destroyed by Pete's wicked base emereged not one...

...but two...

...EDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Arrrgggghhh! That's right!" cried Jan, slapping himself on the forehead hard enough to give any normal human permanent brain damage. Unaffected, he continued, "There are two Eds! One was created when Derrick sucked the brain out of the giant Jolt Can, and the other when Evil Ed was neutralized!"

The two Eds, oblivious as always, started in on some Economics homework.

"All right, that's it!" bellowed Brock. "One Ed is bad enough, but I'll be &*!^^!^@& if I'm living with two!" Whipping out Trusty Bob, Brock opened fire on one of the Eds, shattering his skull with a barrage of high-powered ammo. Blood flew, covering everything, but, the inside of Ed's head being hollow, there was no messy grey matter to clean up.

On a roll and loath to stop now, Brock pointed Bob at the remaining Ed. In a moment, it would be all over for Ed, and, presumably, for this story. Brock pulled the trigger, and...

(CLICK!)

Nothing happened. Brock was once again out of ammunition. "@^%@%&*!" Brock screamed. "Now what am I going to do? Who am I gonna call?"

Suddenly, a large vehicle topped with flashing lights pulled up. Assuming it to be Campus Safety, here to investigate the apparent death of Edvis, the group ran toward it, shouting "Pig!" "Oink! Oink!" "Bacon", etc.

It was not, however, the pigs. The vehicle was, in fact, an old hearse, painted white, with assorted gadgets, lights, and BOXes atop it. Among these was a set of huge stereo speakers, which began to blare forth music...

                                                               ___
    EDBUSTERS!                                                /  /\
    Sung to the tune of GHOSTBUSTERS, by Ray Parker, Jr.     ( E/D )
    Adapted by Michael J. Croghan & Jan A. Nedelka            \/__/
    
    EDBUSTERS!
    
    If there's somethin' wierd
    In your roommate's bed,
    Who you gonna call?
    EDBUSTERS!
    
    If it's tall and nark
    And looks alot like Ed,
    Who you gonna call?
    EDBUSTERS!
    
    (Music)
    I ain't 'fraid of no Ed
    I ain't 'fraid of no Ed
    YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!
    
    If it always makes
    good use of space,
    Who you gonna call?
    EDBUSTERS!
    
    Puttin' everything
    in its proper place,
    Who you gonna call?
    EDBUSTERS!
    
    (music)
    EDBUSTIN' MAKES ME FEEL GOOD!
    
    If you've had your fill
    And you want to kill
    You better call
    EDBUSTERS!

When the music had stopped, the door of the vehicle opened, and four men in grey jumpsuits, wearing huge backpacks and carrying weapons that made Brock green with envy, emerged.

"I hear you have an Ed problem here," said the man whose nametag read "Venkman", obviously their leader. "We'll take care of it for you. All right boys, let's show this Ediotic dweeb how we do things downtown! Wow, he's an ugly little spud, isn't he?"

At this, the four Edbusters aimed their weapons at Ed, who was doing his economics homework. Four streams of supercharged particles of inefficiently used space were hurled at Ed, who immediately vaporized, becoming ethereal.

"Ray, the trap!" shouted Venkman. The one whose nametag read "Stantz" produced a small BOX and skittered it across the floor under the insubstantial Ed. The Edbusters lowered their streams, containing Ed, and Stantz activated the trap. Just as Ed was being sucked into the tiny trap, a ghostly voice was heard to say "Wow, what efficient use of sp-"

And the trap closed. Ed was gone.

"All right," said Venkman to Brock, "You're his roommate, right? That'll be $17,895. No checks, please."

"WHAT?" cried Brock. "You must be joking! I don't have that kind of money. I gave all my money to RIT!"

"Well, then we're just going to have to let it go."

"No - wait..."

"Then you'll pay?"

"Well, no, but-"

"All right Ray, open the trap."

"NO!" shouted Brock, but it was too late. The trap opened, and, in a flash of light, Ed was back. The Edbusters jumped into their vehicle and roared off, leaving everyone else to deal with Ed.

Just then, Neil walked in, carrying........

39. untitled

Author: RITVAX::TCR7471 "The Snake Shall Live Forever"
Date: 16-OCT-1989 14:13

the newest catalog from radio crap. In it was advertised the answer for all their Ed problems...A newer version of Bob..with a trans-space ammunition supply that m4_included a factory with several stellar masses of material to make bullets.

Brock saw this and said "Now my problems are over except, where can I get the upgrade kit...It only costs $ 999,999,999.95, and my credit card has a 800,000 limit.. Where can I get the other 200,000+tax??"

Just then, in walks Kobra carrying the very piece that Brock needed. "I just found this outside, in the pile of rubble from the Bidness building. One of the goverement agents must have had it..I wonder what this is, any ideas?" (the Bidness building must have fallen down during the excitment, but nobody noticed or cared)

Brock attacks Kobra, and immediatally installs the upgrade on Bob, who then bangs happily. But, as Brock turns toward Ed, he is totally unprepared for........

40. Ed, the art major?

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 16-OCT-1989 17:42

Ed's flaring new hairdo, which he made with help from Jan's GoGoHairGlow. "Well, How dya like it boys." Ed smiled and and rubbed his hips. A diamond erring flashed from his right ear and was holding a BOX! of multicolored chalk. "Well, guys. I think it's a jolly goof idea to draw on the pavement. Don't you Derrick? My good fellow?"

The worst had happened. The only thing that could possibly be worse than Ed, was if Ed was an ART major. He hung a gold bracelet around his wrist and began wrapping a turban around his head. This was to much! As the others gaped in horror, Derrick, naturally hating, desting any form of art, let alone an art major, ripped the newly enhanced Bob from Brock's hands. "That it! I've had it with you!" Derrick aimed the lethal rifle towards Ed, who was admiring his house and car drawing on the ground.

Derrick's eyes widened, his teth clenched, his muscles bulged, his face reddened, his voice growled, his knuckled whitened, his hair stood up as he prepared to fire.

(*This was it. The moment the TimeLords have been waiting for. Ed's doom was near.......*)

41. Edliens

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 16-OCT-1989 20:59

Derrick shoved the bolt home and with a blinding flash, 10,000 rounds exploded from Bob (v1.1) and Art Major Ed's head exploded like a rotting peice of fruit. AM Ed slumped to the ground, blood running over his chalk drawing.

But lo, more Eds were bursting from the woodwork! The Edliens were back! (That is the reason for the Business building's destruction, and hence the lack of any business majors) Snarling and slavering with their fangs, they made their way to our heroes!

"Better let me take over, Derrick!" Said Brock as Derrick tossed Bob to Brock, who cradled it in his arms.

"Stand back, everyone! We'll need all the manpower we can get!" Brock souted as everyone grabed a weapon.

A group of Edliens bounced over to Brock's right and he writhed, cat-like, and Bob dismembered the hideous monsters, scraps of flesh spattering on the pavement.

The team retreated to the library to escape the horde of rabid Edliens. Quickly, they barred the doors and activated the KnowGo alarm. Derrick took his supplies of Jolt and prepared to bean the intruders with the empties. Mike got the Encyclopedia Brittanica volumes 1-24 and began sharpening the pages to inflict fatal paper cuts.

Jan got out the microfilm canisters and constructed Edlien barriers. Everyone waited for the enemy.

Time passed. Pete began to get edgy and tightened his grip on part of the Elevator control panel he took apart. Silence enveloped the room.

Kevin looked at his modified Edetector. Nothing.

"I wonder where they are.." murmured Neil.

Suddenly Kevin's instrument bleeped. "f*&k! They're coming out the ducts!"

The ceiling cracked, and plaster fell on the group. Scrabbling claws pried at the hole. Brock set Bob to "roast" and flamed the ceiling!

"You futher muckers! You want more? Come and get it, I got plenty!" Brock screamed as Bob poured hot lead up the ducts, battle lust reaching epic proportions.

Suddenly the Edliens poured out of the ceiling like ants out of a kicked over anthole! The francas became a wild frat party!

Throwing his cans with Jolt-powered strength, Derrick skewered an Edlien in the midsection. It collapsed and its acid began eating through the floor.

Kevin rolled up a copy of "The Advocate" and brained an Edlien, and shouted a battle cry "RIT sucks!"

One tried to grab Phil from behind, but Phil did a flip and slammed his attacker on an Xerox machine. Pete hit the "copy" button and blinded the Edlien to obvilion. Neil took the copy and used his immense height to act as a lookout. "Look out!" cried Neil, "They've got Tom!"

Indeed, three snarling, hissing Edliens had ubducted Tom, whos keen kung fu training had failed him when they ganged up on him by the dozen!

"Stand back!" shouted Brock, who set Bob on "Phaser" and hurtled hot plasma at the Edliens. One vaopried but the remaining two carried Tom up the ceiling!

Suddenly, the Edliens stopped pouring out from the ceiling and all that remained from the menance were a lot of Edliens piled up, their foul acidic blood eating away the carpet.

"Well, too bad about Tom.." Shook Pete.

"We gotta find him!" Said Derrick," Otherwise, if we don't, then....."

42. untitled

Author: RITVAX:JAN1073 & RITVAX::MJC8443
Date: 16-OCT-1989 21:59

....."there will be no one to make us remember Ed as not-so-bad-after-all-in-comparison!"

Suddenly, everyone realized how right Derrick was.

"Gosh," said Jan, having second thoughts, "mabey we should just call it fate and we could pretend that Ed was a really great guy anyway..."

Sparks began to fly. The group broke into two distinct factions, one favoring a rescue attempt to find Kobra, the other wanting to quit while they were ahead and go do lunch (led by Jan).

Suddenly, out of nowhere, another plot twist appeared. It was.......

43. The plot thickens...

Author: RITVAX::MJC8443
Date: 17-OCT-1989 14:03

.... it was Kobra, falling from an open ceiling panel and hitting the ground with a loud "THUNK." He was apparently unconscious (thankfully), and closer examination revealed a note stapled to his right forearm. It read:

 
    Dear Hoomans,

        We find snake boy unstomachable.  Ptooey, yuch!  We give back.  You
    keep, our compliments.
    
                                                        Sincerely yours,
                                                        The Edliens

"Well," said Mike, "I certainly can't say as I blame them. I-"

Suddenly, a green, slimy, buglike creature detached itself from the front of Kobra's head and raced toward a startled Edvis. The Edlien larva had disguised itself well; the others had naturally mistaken it for Kobra's face. The thing threw itself at Edvis and attached itself to his head, sucking at his brain. "Mah haid! Mah Haid!" wailed the hapless King, as the disgusting creature sucked out all of his musical talent, his flashy taste in clothes, his abiding love of narcotics, even his accent. In seconds, the Edlien had sucked out everything that made Edvis the least bit interesting. Sated, the creature dropped from the drained Edvis and skittered away, leaving the once-proud King to undergo a startling transformation. Drained of his essence, Edvis reverted back to the most generic, most boring state imaginable. He became Ed.

"Hey, look here," said Peter, who had been examining the comatose Kobra, "There's more writing on the back of this note."

Indeed there was. It read:

    Hello again, stoopid hoomans,
    
        By now you have realized our true purpose.  We have committed the
    most unspeakable evil ever conceived!  We have brought back Ed! 
    Muhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
    
                                                Contemptuosly yours,
                                                The Edliens

Our heroes looked at each other, their brains refusing to accept the reality of the atrocity that they had just witnessed. Then, Ed began babbling about "the melodious beauty of the sunshine on this glorious day" and looking around for some ill-used space to rearrange to his liking. It began to rain heavily, and the group was forced to accept the fact that Ed was, in fact, back.

Just then, Kobra awoke from his coma with a start. He looked down at his drab clothing disapprovingly. "Do mah ahs deceive me, or ah these clothes stolen from a Salvation Ahmy donation dumpster? Ah think y'all'll agree that the King deserves more royal threads! You there! Gimme mah outfit, punk!" Kobra hurled himself at Ed, who was still wearing the Edvis costume, attempting to rip it from Ed's body.

"Holy plot twist!" exclaimed Andy. "Edvis wasn't drained away by the Edlien! His personality was somehow transferred to Kobra!"

Everyone agreed that this was a big improvement, and, when Kobra/Edvis had stripped Ed of his costume, they decided to do lunch (all except Ed, that is, who was lying bruised and naked upon the ground, muttering about bad manners). As the group started off for Greasies, Ed got up and headed for his dorm room for a change of clothes. Before he had taken two steps, however, his naked physique was noticed by....

44. Edam and Eve

Author: RITVAX::ADW3345 "The Doctor"
Date: 17-OCT-1989 17:34

The Librarians!

"Hey!" Shouted a grey haired librarian, who was too busy stamping books to give much notice of the commotion that ensued for the last few minutes, "you've got a small dick!"

Ed looked startled. This wasn't what he expected. He grabbed some newspapers and tried to exit the premeses, setting off the KnowGo alarm. The librarian grabbed it from him and kicked him out of the building, into the visa.

Ed watched the people walk by , ignoriong him stonily. The era of free love had passed, man, and now was the age of AIDS. Ed wasn't even wearing a phypalatic available in the dorm snack machines. Ed wandered near bulding 7.

"hey, look!" shouted the two art majors who were writing words in a circle, "definate modern statement!"

One of them paused at the word "authority" and the other paused in crossing it out.

"Man, look at that! What a concept!" said Art Major 1.

Art major 2 shook his head at amaement and threw his chalk away, exclaiming "This is what we've been trying to convey to the masses! Go against the system, bend the rules!"

Art Major 1 muttered ," This idea of nakedness shows one's vernibility to the system, yet shows defiance against those who hold positions of authority!"

Art Major 2 gasped, "This could very well be the art statement of the decade, second to Andy Whorhol! Blessed be his name!"

Recognizing a new system when they recognized it, Art Majors 1 and 2 shed their weird looking outfit, and ran to spread the word.

"Lo! Shed your clothes that chain you to overwhelming authority in the system! The system is overthrown, long live free rule!"

And to his amazement, Ed watched the sea of Art Majors joyously rip their clothes off and throw the symbols of oppresion of the system into the air. Whoops and joys ensued from ther Art Majors as they found true freedom, one free from the system.

"What an unefficient use of space!" said Ed sadly as he looked at the lawns littered with clothing. Three well-endowed female art majors streaked past him. Ed didn't notice.

Jan, Mike, Derrick, Phil, Neil, Brock, Pete, and Kevin, after reading the Derrick Story in the UUC underneath greasies, climbed up the stairs to eat.

Something had happened on campus. Something wasn't right. SOmething missing.

They looked out at the cafeteria and noticed that of all the people eating there........

45. untitled

Author: RITVAX::BJP2399 "CREEPING DEATH"
Date: 17-OCT-1989 22:01 EDLIENS

......were many angry Edliens. "How dare you feed us such rufage." One of them cried out. "They caused Ed's demised" Another growled, pointing in the groups direction. "Attack!" They all screamed at once and converged upon the party.

Brock took immediate action and slung Bob to meet the assult, "Go!" He cried to the others, "I'll hold them off." He opened fired into the converging mass of slimy Edliens, splattering grizzly guts in all directions.

"To the library!" Derrick screamed, "Maybe we can confuse them into attacking the Art majors." Nobody argued with Derrick's excellent answer. Everyone escaped under the constant grazing fire from Bob, and ran out of Watson, heading for the library. They sped arcross the quarter mile until they noticed Brock hadn't followed them. "Oh no," Andy gasped, "You don't think..."

Just then Brock came crashing through the forest, over a million Edliens pursued him. "Ooops." He breathed heavliy, "They're all over, I think they're taking over."

Again the Edliens attacked, but this time nobody ran. Jan tossed a can of GoGoHair Glow to Phil, "Spray this over a flame." An Edlin jumped towards Jan, but he simply head butted it into oblivion. Neil removed his headsets and turned them toward a group of Edliens circling to the rear, turning his music on the entire group vanished under the destructive sound.

Realizing this was not a good place to hold off a fight, Brock yelled out, "Move to the library, towards the Art majors." Brock and Phil layed down a protective spray of bullets and fire, allowing the others to escape to the library. Phil and Brock slowly passed through the wind tunnel as the others raced up the hill, Mike called out "C'mon you two move it!" Letting out one final burst of fire and lead, the two quickly turned and retreated with the others.

Pete slammed into the Library, or what was left it. It semeed, that in their abscene, the Edliens had already destroyed everybody inside, all that remained was piles of worthless flesh. Running over to the Einstein terminals he ripped a keyboard off and tossed it to Kevin, "For close encounters." He then proceeded to make a weapon out of a monitor.

Mike and Derrick stormed into the room, hefting numerous cans of jolt they began to take positions along the vulnerable windows. The others followed pace, Andy pulled out two specialized yo-yo's and knelt by a window. Neil stood beside him, weilding his acoustic pocket tape player.

Finally, Brock and Phil ran inside, the growing mass of Edliens emerged behind them. Brock turned to Phil and pointed to the GoGoHair Glow can, "Seal the door!" Understanding, Phil began to weld the front library doors closed.

Kobra and Jan charged down the steps, "It's all clear." Jan announced as they quickly returned.

Just as Phil finished welding the doors, two Edliens crashed through the windows, but were annhilated as Brock turned and fired. In the back of the library, a gang of Edliens broke through the glass and came charging at Andy and Neil. Andy whipped a yo-yo at an Edlien, knocking it's head off as the yo-yo returned to his hand. Neil blared his music again, two book shelves and a dozen Edliens disintigrated into dust. Andy quickly dispatched five more Edliens with his deadly yo-yo's, "They're too many!" He cried. Quickly Kevin and Pete were at his side, mindlessly hacking at the Edliens with their vax weapons.

On the other opposite end of the library Mike and Derrick hurled explosive cans of jolt into the oncomming herds of Edliens, exploding them into piles of ash. Derrick chug three cans within a minute, increasing his strength and speed. An Edlien jumped for his back, but he was took quick, sidestepping the creature he kicked across the library and into a copy machine where it suddenly bursted into blobs of quivering jelly.

"We can't hold 'em!" Mike cried as he sent and Edlien across the room with deadly throw.

Brock hammered the lead into the mass of Edliens piling before the library. "Out Back...Down the steps and go out back....To Lowenthal.....Get to Lowenthal!" He hollered over the deafening blasts of fire and music. The others hurridly retreated out of the main library and down the steps, as Phil and Brock held the surging creaturs off once more. Andy and Neil slammed through the back door and into the empty construction site. Sweating perfusely Andy yelled, "Hurry up, its clear!"

Kevin,Pete,Mike, and Derrick went first, the others stayed back to cover. Brock flung lead left and right, shattering Edliens everywhere, but it seemed like everytime one was killed, two more took its place. Phil's can of GoGoHair Glow ran out of fuel, so Jan tossed him the remaining two cans. Jan simultaneously headbutted four Edliens through a wall. "We gotta go!"

Kobra/Edvis turned to move down the stairs, but a pair of slimy hands broke through the ceiling and grabbed him. "No, not again...uggfff..erfggg." His remaining screams of terror were muffled as his body was dragged through the asbestos. The other three backed down the steps. Brock grabbed for Kobra's outstretched hand, and pulled. Buckets of warm blood drenched Brock as Kobra's arm pulled off, the putrid smell of death filled the air as more blood fell from the ceiling. "KOBRA!" Brock screamed and opened fired on the asbestos, caving most of the ceiling in.

"Forget him he's gone!" Jan screamed from the bottom of the stairs. "C'mon! Let's move!" Brock continued to fire as he backed down the steps, following Phil and Jan towards the others.

The group rushed across the construction site and into building 12. Pete and Kevin kicked the locked door to Lowenthal open, and everbody piled in. As Brock finally entered the room, he turned to Phil. "Seal the door." Again Phil used the GoGoHair glow to weld the door shut.

Immediately Andy and Neil ripped the vax terminals free and began piling them against the windows as Mike and Derrick logged on to the system to see if anyone was online that could help. Jan took the EdDetector from Kevin and, "They're all around us man."

"Are you sure?" Pete asked, taking a new keyboard for a weapon.

"Yeah I'm sure look." He showed the EdDetector to Pete.

"Jesus, they have us surrounded."

"Looks like we fight this one out." Brock slammed another clip into Bob. "Alright everybody, stay loose. And remember, short controlled bursts."

"Hey look, Ed's online." Derrick cried, "But' he's the only one."

Everyone gathered around Derrick to read Ed's message that came across the screen. "Hey, where did you guys go for lunch?"

An enormous Edlien slammed through the wall and wrapped its burly arms around Mike, raising him into the air like a rag doll. Jan rushed to his roomate's aid and struck the beast in it's back with his head, snapping the creature's spine. Mike fell to the floor as dozens of Edliens stormed into the small lab, Brock and Phil quickly disintigrated them with bullets and flame. The entire walls of the lab begin to crumble as hundreds of wild Edliens tried to enter the room. Andy decapitated three more with his yo -yo's. One came crashing through the door and grabbed for Neil, the tall computer genious simply ducked and pointed his headset towards the attack and flipped the switch, the Edlien was no more.

"There's a clear path this way." Kevin announced as he bashed an Edliens' head with a keyboard. "C'mon, too Ross, head towards Ross." KEvin dissappeared through the hole in the wall, Pete quickly followed. Not wanting to be separated, everyone else retreated.

Derrick helped Mike to his feet. "I can't walk." Mike grunted, "That thing paralyzed me." Derrick tried to lift Mike, but could not, he was carrying to many jolt cans.

"Derrick! Mike! Move out." Brock called from a distance as he oblitered the Edliens that entered the room.

Derrick handed Mike a liter of jolt. Mike took the bottle, guzzled half of it and saved the rest for later. Derrick and Brock quickly nodded goodbye and left the room. A few minutes later, a sizeable explosion rocked the campus, turning bulding 12 into a pile of rock and dust.

Kevin and Pete raced towards ross, behind them Andy and Neil quickly followed. As they rushed into the lab, they met with a group of Edliens playing moria on the vax. "Shit!" Pete exclaimed as he disemboweled an Edlien with his keyboard.

"The Prolab!" Neil announced, "Move to the Prolab!" Neil raced down the hall, and met with a surging mass of Edliens. Again he turned up the volume, but the effect was not as deftifying, the Edliens only cringed at the sound. "Damn it! My bateries are almost dead!"

Everyone else piled into the prolab for the last stand. Just as Brock and Phil entered, Neils radio shack batteries died and the hoard of Edliens overtook him. Phil tried to reach him but Brock pulled him back, "It's too late!" The Edliens ripped Neil apart, and advanced.

Brock and Phil pushed into the lab, "Seal the door!" he ordered and Phil began his welding again.

"Their in FYL!" Derrick yelled as he hurled a jolt can into the first year lab, blowing the room of SUNS and Edliens to smitherines. Jan took a can of GoGoHair Glow from Phil and began to seal the door leading from the Prolab to FYL.

Kevin and Pete arranged the SUN the tables in a square and placed the SUN monitors and keyboards around them, Andy jumped inside with them. "We're ready." Pete announced from the makem4_shift bunker, hefting a large SUN keyboard.

Phil and Jan backed away from the doors to join Derrick and Brock. Derrick shrugged as Brock looked at his few remaining jolt cans that were wrapped around his chest like M-60 ammo.

Small beeps sounded from Jan's EdDetector. "They're comming again."

The droning beeps echoed through the room's silence as the seven waited for the attack. "Are you glad you came to RIT now, Jan?" Kevin asked from the bunker.

An Edlien crashed through th window, "He's over ther, Get him!" Brock cried as he opened up, the hoard that suddenly appeared. Andy whipped a yo-yo through the air and gutted the Edlien scout.

Phil and Jan scorched the first wave of Edliens with the napalm like GoGo HairGlow as Derrick launched another grenade of jolt accross the room. Pete and Kevin hurled SUN and CV monitors across the room, flatening Edliens left and right while Andy's yo-yo's flew from side to side, passing through anything that cross their wicked path.

Within minutes, the Edliens had reached the bunker. Pete and Kevin stood back to back smashing keyboards into attacking Edliens. Kevin bashed in an Edliens' head and continued to pound, "Stupid Suns! Stupid Suns! Stupid SUNS!!!!!" Behind him, Pete did the same.

Brock sprayed lead across the room in a rythmatic fashion, dropping Edliens like bricks, but they still continued to advance. Derrick's supply of jolt grenades was running low and the cans of GoGo HairGlow could not last much longer.

Edlien guts flew everywhere and stench of Edlien slime quickly grew heavy, but they never stopped comming. Exhaustion quickly overtook the fighting group.

Andy flung his yo-yo's all around him, cutting of Edlien arms and legs as if they were paper. Standing knee deep in various body parts, he whipped a yo-yo across the room towards an Edlien approaching Brock unnoticed. The string snapped under the constant stretch as the yo-yo flew through the Edlien's skull and into the wall. With only one yo-yo his power was reduced drastically. Before he could recover a dozen Edliens jumped on him, only his hand could be seen clenching underneath the pile of twitching Edliens.

"Andy!" Kevin yelled as he watched the yo-yo man fall into the crowd of ruthless Edliens. "Andy! Andy!"

Pete's arms tired fast, he was not built for battle, his last strike shattered an Edliens face, but two more grabbed his arms. Within seconds he was torn limb from limb.

"NO!!!!!!!!!!" Kevin screamed in anger, slicing the Edliens to pieces with his keyboard.

Brock and Phil moved to pull Kevin out of the bunker, but a surge of Edliens held them back. "KEVIN! KEVIN!" Brock snarled, filling the air with led. Slimy hands burst through the door leading to the FYL and grabbed PHIL from behind, pulling him through the door. A stream of fire shot from the can of GoGo HairGlow in Phil's hand. Kevin turned around just in time to see the wave of flames engulf him.

The streaks of fire scinged past Brock, and horrifying scream sounded from Phil's directions as spurts of blood splattered on the door. "PHIL!" Brock ripped off more rounds in Phil's direction as the room quickly filled with smoke and flames.

Derrick and Jan stode next to Brock, each fought for their lives. Jan's can of GoGo HairGlow had emptied. He quickly lost it and began the ritual headbutting against Edliens. Derrick threw his last jolt grenade into the swarming mass of Edliens.

Edliens bodies were piled waist high as the three valiantly fought off the surge. But it was a simple matter of being outnumbered. Jan dissappeared into the crowd of Edliens, his head swinging left and right, destroying Edliens as he went down. Derrick lost his balance and fell against Calcium, sending a giant shock wave through the network. Edliens ripped his stomach out and tore his legs apart from his body, sending gallons of blood into the user network. Brock whirled in circles, firing BOB in all directions until he went down underneath a pile of bodies, screaming curses at Ed until his body was crushed under the weight.

Under the stressful load, the file servers could no longer function properly, causing a minute explosion in Hydrogen. Split seconds later, an explosion of great proportions shook the city and obliterated building ten. A small funnel cloud rose above the explosion, as rolls of dark hideous smoke filled the sky.

Ed saw the cloud from a distance. "Geesh, what a terrible way to polute the Earth. Now it's not so pretty anymore." Ed frowned, then returned to doing his Economics homework.

(*Billions of light years away, in another part of the universe, an assembly of Timelords shouted against this outrage, frantically recalculating their formulas to find this most atrocious error. The Master Time Lord called the assembly to order and spoke. "My fellow TimeLords, it is most apparent that we have made an error in our calculations. Now, unending peril lies before the universe with Ed alive and nobody left to stop him from reproducing. There is only one course to take, however much we despise it. We can only do one thing. We must reverse time to restore order." A mix of gasps and cheers rose over the assembly, the Master TimeLord again called for silence. "Please, my friends. We must work together to save our universe. I call for a ballot. " This was approved and a vote was taken. Withing the hour, the Master TimeLord again stood before the assembly. "We have come to decision......."

The tire rolled past Ed and into a corner. Ignoring it, Ed continued to approach Andy as everyone in Nates backed away......

46. Ed, tunnels, leather, sex, S&M, whips, chains, etc.

Author: RITVAX::PMB1566 "The Doctor #6"
Date: 18-OCT-1989 13:04

"Look out! They're in the ceiling!" yelled Brock, having Bob pointed at the beleived offender immediately.

"What is?" Everyone looked at Brock.

"I... I don't know." Brock looked confused. He lowered Bob, and everyone in the line of fire immediately moved. "I feel like I've just forgotten something important."

"Deja vue... The feeling that you get that you've done something before." said Kevin, quoting Monty Python.

"I have that feeling too, actually." said Pete.

"You always have that feeling," Kage pointed out.

"Well yes.." replied Pete, going back to his piece of peperoni pizza and medium rootbeer, no ice. Jan, of course, was figuring out a way of removing the tire from Nates without the pigs noticing. Of course, the pigs had noticed Bob, and were finishing up their coffee after which they were going to go ticket some cars. This was far less dangerous. Everyone just ignored Ed while finishing their consumables, and Jan explained his plan of how to steal the tyre.

After they were finished, they took the tire, which Jan kept, and returned to their quarters to retire for the night.

The next day, Kevin and Pete were coming out of a class, when they noticed a few art majors streaking by. "Deja vue... The feeling that you get that you've done something before." they said together.

Ed walked up to them. "Art majors are so nice, but they don't make efficient use of space sometime. They were writing on the blacktop, and they saw me and complimented me about my symbolism. Then they took off their clothes and started running around. Any ideas as to why?"

"Because you're you, Ed." said Pete. "You're an inspiration to them."

"Ah. I'd make a good art major then. I could inspire myself. But the field of art is declining. They won't be able to find jobs when they leave here. You won't be able to either. You really should change your major to business now, before it's too late."

"Well, we're going back home now, Ed. See ya." They started walking toward the dorms.

"Oh, okay. I'll walk with you. I'm on my way to Riverknoll. I am going to study with a girl in my Economics class there. She is having trouble in the class, so I offered my services."

"Ed, Riverknoll is in that direction." Kage pointed in the direction they just came from.

"Oh. Is it? Well, there's a shortcut up here. Through the gym.

"Right." says Kevin, giving up on Ed. They continued toward the dorms. Ed entered the gym as they pass it. "Cheerio." "See ya Ed." "Bye."

Ed continued on his way to Riverknoll. He took a shortcut through the ice arena, the C.U. building 1 (Floors 3, 7, 1, and 4, in that order.), building 8 (where he gets lost.), ends up on the roof of building 7, and eventually ended up at riverknoll.

Ed knocked on the door, which was answered by a pretty female. She has long brown hair, blue-green eyes, and has a nice figure. "Hi Ed." she says, smiling. "Come in." She was dressed in a loose, very long sweatshirt, and appeared not to have anything else on underneath it. Ed did not notice this.

Ed looks around the apartment. There are 2 bedrooms in it, each doubles. Of course, Ed asks, "Do you live here by yourself?"

"No, but my roo