Along the tree-infested valley of Omaha, in the providence of mighty Nebraska, a terrible battle was taking place. Hordes of smelly barbarians converged upon the hills, giving the throaty braying of foxes in a doghunt. A lone figure opposed the forces, standing mightily with his battle axe, swinging the gilt edged blade upon his asailaints. The blade, in an ancient version of sans serif, was cripted with the motto of yore "DEATH WITH HONOR". The flip side read "PIZZA WITH EXTRA CHEESE". This was Prusha, Brock Prusha, Barbarian of Colby and weekend brain surgeon. The nugahyde clad warrior addressed his sword: "Ho, Eugene! This battle is naught but a wee exercise for us!" Brock did a grande jete' and delivered a par-de-lance which loped the heads off the greedy fighters. "Slay this man!" cried Brock's assailiants, "Slay him for the power he holds!" "Nay!" Hissed Brock, "Fat chance!" He did a backflip and seperated the arms off a horde of charging thugs. It was unfortunate that the horde was not well versed in the ancient legends of the Nebraskian Nusiance, else they would have fled with terror. Brock the Barbarian, already over a milleminum old, was cursed to walk the face of the Earth until he was slain in glory in battle. Centuries ago the Barbarian went forth to avenge his weakened father, weak from the wounds inflicted by Nik O' Tein, evil god from Malburo. "Ho, Eugene!" the Brbarian cried once again, "We fall behind! Already the shadows grow long and we will miss the closing of the gates of the fair city Buffalo!" The Barbarian's reward to live in vahalla where a thousand comely wenches would serve his every want and need. An eternity of pure bliss and Brady Bunch re-runs forever eluded him. The lengend of Brock was once composed by Elf Maidens from Sol Heuman in a tounge all but lost by scholars of Elligson: In the mists of time came forth the Barbarian, Riding upon his loyal steed: Shift, Reverse, FOrward, Nuteral, Park;[[A[A Forever cursed not to bleed- Band Aids Bactine Q-Tips Bufferin,[A Medicare Blue Cross Blue Shield, Cold Pak Ben Gay Chapstick Heet, Pepto Bismol Alka Seltzer Nu-Healed Mentor of Mentors Lord of Code, Upon the head of Brock watches Wolf, Guidance he gives, signs he shows, Beneath his enternal game of Golf. Pascal C Ada Bliss Modula II, VAx Ultb Sun Ultrix Unix Emacs VI Eve PostScript II, Epson OkData Panasonic Wang Terrible is the battle howl As Brock wades through the foe, "I'll take my options, Pat; I'll like to buy a vowel!" Wheel of Fortune THe Price is Right Dating Game Family Fued Joker is Wild Jeopardy Bowling for Bucks What's My Game Double Dare It's academic TimeWarp (tm) beckons, a quest calls, Marked are the twelve tasks that are key Key to relese from the curse of wandering And escape enternal damination in padded walls Casio Timex Rolex Swiss Citizen Swatch MicroDat MaxiSplit Saks, Comet Donner Vanderlick Blitzen, TouchTone MemorySafe AccroSplit And Still Brock battled. And then in the distance a guitar riff echoed in the glen. "Ho, Eugene!" Brock cried, "The TimeWarp (tm) calls! One more mighty feat and the one thousand comely wenches await us!" Brock sliced some intestines from the ignorant masses. "Ho, Vamoose! My faithful steed!" Brock cried to his mount, "Come forward, adventure awaits us!" No answer greeted Brock, who was faced with the multitudous horde. "Eugene, you were a kludge anyway!" Brock threw Eugene aside and whipped out his modified Uzi 89i. "Ho, ExtraCaliber! Slay this unsportsmanlike crew!" ExtraCaliber made short work of the assailiants. "Vamoose! The TimeWarp (tm) is calling!" Brock swiftly scaled the hills and came to a plain. "Vamoose, there you be!" Vamoose, his black on Chrome Harley Davidson nickered and grazed on the grass. Brock mounted it and cried, "I'll like to buy a vowel!" Vamoose kicked up the turf as they galloped away. ...................... ................ .............. Lieutenant Colonel P.J. Barella of the United States Air Force flew his F-16 Tomcat low over the tree infested jungles of Veitnam. Soviet MiG's darted in his radar. Twisting and turning to confuse his infared tail in robot eyes, the MiG's manuvered in turn to get a lock. Barella pulled the yoke of his craft and banked, pulling 15 g's. He surprised a VeitCong pilot and loosened a Sidewinder. "Eat that, VC Scum!" Barella banked to aviod the firey carcass that plummeted from the sky, bursting into a ruddy bonfire in the jungle below. It wasn't enough, Barella could only dodge and dart only for so long. "Pink Newt!" Barella's radio crackeled, "Bandits at 1 O'Clock!" Barella banked in a Picard manuver and made his ship look closer than it appeared, firing a slew from his cannons. Another victory. "Bandits at 2 O' Clock!" Barella turned his plane around, and the MiG slipped by, lost. "3' O Clock! Rock! 4 o'Clock 5 O'Clock 6'O Clock, Rock!" It was hopeless. Barella hoped that he would die upon crash. The VC were brutal to prisoners. "Rockin' and rollin' the whole day through! 7'O Clock, 8'O CLock! ROck!" Barella pushed the send Button , "Force Fleet, this is Pink Newt, Big Mac, French Fries, Large Coke, Apple Pies." "Roger, Pink Newt. We do it like you'll do it" Barella had said goodbye to his squadron. A tear rolled down his eye. Pandemoium. The time fabric ripped open right before Barella, and his craft slipped through! "Well, golly, if I didn't know better, I would say I slipped through a TimeWarp (tm) portal!" ............. .............. ..................... .................. Brock spun out of control and fell upon the grass as Barella's F-16 blammed overhead. The portal, surpirsed, vanished. "Ho, Eugene!" Cried Brock, "Come forth! A great metal dragon has appeared!" With a flash, Eugene appered in his hands! "What a great way to get by airport secuirty!" Exclaimed Brock. The great metal dragon taxied into a landing in the field, and Brock zoomed up and hacked his axe into the side of the plane, leaving a dent. "You idiot!" Cried Barella, watch what you're doing! "Sorry, old bean, " apologized Brock, "But Eugene has to have his way sometimes." "You realize, of course," Stated Brock, "That you have just messed up my chance to die?" Dumfounded, Barella requested an explaination. Brock obliged, expaining his predicament of being sent to a time and place where he could partake a mighty battle and die honorably. Eleven times he fought wars in the future, eleven times he was the victor, much to hi dissapointment. "You realize, " Said Barella, "That you've placed me here, who knows how far from modern plumbing and McDonalds?" What a way to ruin someone's day. "There may be a chance," Muttered Brock, "Many kilometers away lives the great Wizard Kevin. Perhap with his great Magik and Beta Vcr he will help us out of our predicament." The two hopped on vamoose, and Brock edged his steed up a yellow-bricked road. By sheer coincidence, they came across.... Walking down the florescent yellow brick road, the two newfound companions came across Ed, the powerfull Zen Master and holder of the Nine Magicks of the Ninja. The stout figure materialized from a ball of white smoke; an abrupt wind carried the mist away quickly, leaving behind a levitated man sitting with his legs crossed, a gleaming silver sword was held in a grasp of stone. The Master Ninja's deep, hoarse voice growled, "Who dares to cross the path of a Zen Master? Turn away at once, or feel the swift and deadly touch of my blade!" "Hey, maybe this is your chance to die." Barella said with hope, looking at the Ninja Master without concern. "You might be right." Brock stepped foward. "Ho! I am Brock the Barbarian and I dare to cross your path." The Black Ninja drifted before Brock, "And I am Ed, Zen Master, holder of Nine Magicks of the Ninja and I challenge your dare!" After a mighty "YO! Eugene!" from Brock, the ear ringing clash of steel against steel resounded across the plains as sword struck axe. Brock was no match against the Ninja's blazing speed, but Eugene was. Before Brock even saw the attack comming in, Eugene had already parried it. Ed moved like a shadow, easily dodging each of Brock's crushing blows. Ed began to jump around the enormous barbarian, eluding his oppenent's thrusts with forward midair sommersaults, sidewinding backflips, and numerous kartwheels. With every silent landing he found himself at the barbarians back, but each time his lunge was deflected by the axe that seemed to have a mind of its own. Yawning, Barella leaned against a nearby tree and relaxed underneath its cool shade. Figuring anything was better than Vietnam and not caring about his current predicament, he sat down and watched the jack rabbit fight the wolf. After about thirty minutes of listening to the clamouring sounds from the epic battle and trying to figure out the reason for their strange methods of breathing, Barella decided that he had enough of this and was going to leave. Once standing, he noticed that neither of the two fighters bore a scar of any kind, and that neither of them seemed to be to tiring out. Shaking his head he looked to the sky, "Why me?". It was at this time when he saw the flying object comming towards them. Confused, he ran towards the barbarian, "Brock. What is that?" Brock turned around, and followed Barella's finger that pointed to the sky, Ed continued to attack, but every strike was blocked by that comfounded axe. "Is it a bird?" Brock squinted. "Is it a plane?" Barella shaded the sun from his eyes. The flying object became clearer. Frustrated, Ed looked up, "No, it's only the Wonder Idiot." "Oh." The other two said in unison. Barella shrugged and went back to the tree, Brock and Ed continued their game of strike and parry. The Wonder Idiot, or WI for short, or Andy if you are trusted enough to know his secret, raced towards the battle of definite evil, confident that he was going to dispatch of these two nemecis. Flying upside down and backwards (No relation to Superman, or any other flying super heroes, but this has yet to have been genetically proven.), the Wonder Idiot, armed with deadly yo-yoes, tumbled through the air and crashed into the fighting duo. Quickly he stood up, and fell down again in a web of entangled yo-yo strings. Confused again, Barella approached to see what was going on. Seeing that their battle was going nowhere, Barbarian and Ninja sheathed their weapons. After a few minutes, WI finally stood again, immedately crouching as his purple trousers fell around his legs, "Damn! I knew that safety pin was being used for something." After fiddling with his clothing for a few more minutes WI stood again and met the perplexed stares of the three men before him. "Eh....Ah...Well...Ah... Oh yeah..Stop That! Stop that Now! I say, Stop that!" He angrily pointed at the Ninja at the barbarian, a orange yo-yo dangled from his other hand. "You are in violation of the laws set down by our ominscent god DAW3345!" Ominous thunder rumbled overhead, the Wonder Idiot continued, "The almighty has forbidden such outbursts from mere immortals! Our merciless lord has given me power over the likes you, so....so.. ah..so Stop that!" Ear-splitting thunder shook the ground beneath their feet, dark forbidding clouds swirled together as streaks of blue lightning scorched the threatening sky like fiery arrows shot by the god himself. Chalky dust began to encircle the now silent mortals; a wave of pure energy screamed passed Barella and bursted the defenseless tree next to him into smoldering ash. A sudden blast of white light from the heavens nearly blinded those below, the howling winds increased as a booming voice echoed, "You are bound together by my hand, now you must go and seek the Wizard!" A final gust of wind lifted the tree's remains into the air, where it dissappeared into a flash brillance. The four humans blinked their eyes back into focus, and then set their gaze upon each other. "The Wizard?" The Wonder idiot mumbled. "Yes." Ed answered in a low voice. "The Wizard?" WI said again with a puzzled look. "We must do what he asks." Brock stated. "The Wizard?" WI looked to the sky again. "Aye. And for what reason?" Ed wondered aloud. "The Wizard?" WI shook his head. "YES, THE WIZARD YOU STUPID IDIOT! DON'T YOU HAVE A BRAIN OR WHAT?!?!?" Barella screamed out in frustration at the Wonder Idiot. WI stood straight up, crossed his arms and looked up, pondering on the nagging question; a glittering yo-yo dangled from his left index finger as his cape wrapped around his thin legs, remaining completely unoticed.. "We must be going." Ed produced a staff from nowhere, "Shall we?" "Let's." Brock went forward, the Ninja followed behind, using his deadly staff as a walking stick. Barella shrugged and followed, mumbling something about Rochester weather. Turning around Barella looked back at the motionless Wonder Idiot. "Hey, flying nuisance, are you comming or not?" "Huh?" WI looked at Barella, "Oh, yeah." And fell flat on his face as he took a step forward. Once he untied the cape from his legs, he jumped to his feet and caught up to the other three that were following the yellow brick road, that was somehow changing to a sick brown-orange color. The Wonder Idiot's voice could be heard echoing across the plains, "So who's the Wizard?".....