Being Trans: Perspectives from Thirty-something years later

2.1. The Bad Old Days

Surgery for me meant getting out from under their thumb and reexamining my identity all over again, because I had persuaded myself of the lies necessary to get approval. (Rethinking went quickly after I woke from a dream, orgasming, a week after surgery: “Damn, that was hot. I guess I’m lesbian, or bi.”) Enamored with being Trans at the time, I had no interest in being stealth, but that’s good: living a life of lies is crazy-inducing. HBIGDA was broken.

While I am sure there were a few good therapists under HBIGDA, many expected us to think and act like stereotypes to show our real need for reassignment. Any weakness in our certainty or resolve was an indication we were not a good candidate, forcing me into my sex change recklessly: I expected to take it a step at a time, with an orchiectomy (castration) as a stepping stone offering time and perspective to consider before full reassignment. But faced with the option of reassignment, I was afraid if I resisted at all, I might be rejected as a candidate entirely. So I took the plunge, and I’m lucky it worked out. But it worked out in spite of HBIGDA, not because of it.

2.2. Follow the WPATH?

HBIGDA has evolved into WPATH, the World Professional Association for Transgender Health, and is nominally less broken but far from completely fixed. Some professionals are far better than others, and thanks to the Internet, the stranglehold they once had has been weakened.

• “Going stealth” is no longer the prime directive.
• The pathological framework formerly used on us has been replaced by a healthier, natural way of looking at gender variance provided by Trans thinkers like Julia Serano.
• One need no longer be on a no-holds-barred mission to get surgery ASAP.
• There is a much better range of gender available today, whether intending to undergo surgery, live in the “other” role, roll a dice every morning, or blend up a custom gender all your own.

Those transitioning today become more rounded, more fluid faster than my generation. These improvements have been brought into being mostly by the Trans community, not by the benevolence or “intelligence” of WPATH.

Today’s freedom to explore and implement gender in one’s own way means more Trans people will find their way to the right gender. Faced with gatekeepers, it was understood what needed to be done: toe the line and present what they wanted to see. Facing the hurdles, my generation was focused on external issues instead of healthily reflecting on our transition progress and assessing comfort with our identity.

2.3. Acknowledging the Existence of Sex Change Regret

Something the right likes to talk about, and a topic the Trans community likes to avoid, is sex change regret. This is when somebody makes changes to their body that can not be undone, only to decide it wasn’t what they really wanted. Preventing it is what the folks at WPATH claim to do.

It is, of course, tragic that regret happens. Statistics say it is a small minority of those that transition, and from what I have observed, it manifests most often in those who after-the-fact feel conflicted by religious injunctions against actions they have taken.

I believe it is a worthy goal to try to minimize sex change regret. Who wouldn’t want to prevent mistakes? The question, then, is how best to prevent them without creating new problems. I have been down the transition path myself, and watched others follow in my footsteps or create their own paths—I have seen ugly transitions, and I have seen people detransition. All this gives me a broad perspective that provides insight toward optimizing good outcomes, which I will talk about next.

2.4. Exploring Gender

Faced with conflicting feelings about gender—known as “gender dysphoria”—an exploration needs to be made. Thousands of us have done it, and for most if us, it works out. It is a process that involves lots of small steps: one does not simply drop in at a hospital and sign up for estrogen treatments or a next-day sex change.

Most know where they will end up, but still take baby steps as they move forward. Many start by dressing up at home, hoping that will satisfy their feelings. When that is not enough, we might seek out queer- or trans-friendly venues where it is safe to take first steps outside the home; for me, this was hanging with the Rocky Horror crowd. As we gain confidence and experience, and see the comfort it brings us, we realize this is more than a part-time interest for the weekend.

Until this point, it is possible to compartmentalize our lives and relationships. Not everyone knows what we do after hours and on the weekend. But going further, it is no longer possible to compartmentalize. Family, friends, jobs are going to find out. If we haven’t got a therapist already, most seek one out to help work through the challenges.

And that’s good, because if we are contemplating hormonal or surgical interventions, we will need letters of recommendations from a WPATH-compliant therapist. This is an ongoing relationship, not a one-off or a few-time session; they will monitor our progress and only sign off if they think we are a genuine candidate. Quality varies. Good ones help us reflect and contemplate our journey, guide us through the exploration in a way that fits us, and see our happiness and/or comfort as success. Bad ones tend to have rigid expectations, expect all of us to follow the same path, and look for certain skills or actions to determine if we get the stamp of approval.

After several months with the therapist, and usually some time living in our new role, we can pursue hormonal therapy (assuming the therapist approves). Some effects are fast—emotions, for example—but revert quickly if hormones are discontinued. Other effects are slower—taking months or years—and in time can leave lasting effects such as facial hair for transmen, or breast development in transwomen.

To attain affirmation surgery (formerly sex reassignment) requires additional time living in the new role while on hormone therapy and seeing the therapist.

The approvals process is specified by WPATH, and has been revised over the years. As of this writing, the minimum end-to-end time specified in the standards is about a year. However, given delays getting in with therapists, hormone providers, surgeons, etc., it is more realistically a 2-year process, or longer if you want to go to a well-known surgeon.

The radical rights' claims that sex changes are being performed on a whim is just misinformation, fear-mongering and conspiratorial nonsense.

2.5. Exploring Works

The gender exploration I’ve described is an effective and safe way of managing transition.

• Starting small and escalating gradually allows reversing course if it is not working.
• Irreversible changes come only after a long, slow escalation with lots of opportunity to see if it is working as expected.
• The most consequential changes can only be attained after a period of living full-time in the target role.
• There is a system of second opinions overseeing those making irreversible changes.

These are effective in minimizing regrets. For genuine Trans folk, these steps add delays and hassles, but in ideal conditions one can make steady, measurable progress. Unfortunately, there are far too often snags along the way. Scheduling delays, therapists that claim expertise but in practice know nothing, pointless blind gatekeeping, doctors wanting our letters of recommendation to include particular language or credentials, or simply demanding a second approval to satisfy insurers, which may refuse coverage anyway.

There is a balance point. At some point, delays make the process too long or too hard. We start to rush, focused on overcoming the challenges. It is frustrating for genuine Trans folk, and prevents those heading down the wrong path from seeing their error.

With all that in mind, I believe the best balance is struck with the following:

Offer personal freedom

Where the risks of exploration are low, give a person the freedom to explore when and how they like. Letting someone hold their own reins lets them focus on their satisfaction, rather than focusing on satisfying others, and gives them the agency to change direction if they want to.

Minimize desperation

Once someone acknowledges their feelings, the longer they are delayed the more desperate they become. Eventually they will start rushing to make progress. Rushing reduces contemplation about whether changes are working well, whether they feel right; instead, someone rushing will focus on how quickly they can make progress.

In extreme cases, desperate individuals will seek desperate options. For example, a friend frustrated with WPATH gatekeeping turned to a “body modder” for surgery. It has made a lot of complications and required revision surgery by competent surgeons.

Longer and harder is not always better.

Minimize targets and goals

We set a lot of goals for ourselves, including skills, appearance, rates of progress, roles, and schedules. Others should avoid creating more, or reinforcing the ones we have. The more/the stronger our targets and goals, the more focused on achieving the goal we become, instead of thinking about what we want. Targets and goals prevent contemplation, introspection and reflection—but these are essential in helping us assess if we are on (or more importantly off) the right path.

Negative comments tend to produce goals. Choose carefully what you want to say—choose your words—and be specific and provide advice if you can. “Your make-up today is a little heavy. It would be fine going out clubbing, but you might want to go a little lighter around the office,” might be very helpful. “Girl, you really gotta learn to do make-up,” reinforces the need to work on make-up skills, but does not provide useful insight. The person told this may now think more about their make-up and appearance, and less about their future.

Reinforce exploration, not a destination

Careless praise can bias someone toward going forward. Be positive about the progress in learning about themselves, but be careful not to create expectations for their future.

A good way to do this is to comment on skills or a particular attribute, without tying it to gender. “You’re getting good at make-up,” or “Your figure is developing,” instead of “You’re going to be great as a woman.” And especially not, “You’re going to make a better woman than you ever were a man.”

Ideally, a Trans person’s gender should be as relevant (or irrelevant) as a cisperson’s gender. Keep comments in line with those you give to cisgender folks.

Maximize introspection/reflection

A good therapist is helpful to work through one’s feelings. (A bad therapist, though, is worse than useless. If you think your therapist is not helping, or you are not “clicking”—find a new one.)

Do not discourage or bully

Transition is about finding our place in the world, because we had questions about it. Finishing that exploration is important, whether we eventually go forward or back, because finishing means we’ve resolved our questions and can put them behind us. We can move on.

Discouraging or bullying never achieves anything useful. If it pushes someone into detransition, the issue reminds unresolved—the person is still haunted by gender dysphoria, a bad outcome. Alternately, they may get it in their head to prove you wrong, leading to a kind of blindness as they move forward. That can lead to tragedy.

For example, one friend exploring her gender persisted for perhaps 5 years while her mother kept doubting her. But about a year and a half after mom let up, my friend realized it was not for her. I think if mom had been less resistant, my friend would have figured things out sooner—but she was focused on overcoming mom’s objections.

Here’s a table of the ways discouraging or bullying us is counterproductive:

2.6. Final Thoughts on Transition

Understand that if transitioning isn’t for someone, they still need to make the exploration to resolve their gender dysphoria. I have met people who have been browbeaten into not transitioning. It is not good: they are stuck, unable to pursue what they feel they need. Mired in an unresolvable gender conflict, personal development and relationships are stunted. Whether or not you feel an individual is truly Trans, respecting that person’s need to explore and figure it out for themselves is the best route—possibly the only route—to their happiness and future growth.

Don’t put your loved one in the mode of proving to you what they think is right for them; if it is not right, the only way to realize and move on involves their reflection and contemplation.

I am not saying you can never question it, as that is probably unhealthy too. But don’t just rail against someone’s transition, or harp on them everyday about it. Don’t try to “win.” Talk with them, listen to them, accept that there may be positives that you do not understand.

If you have doubt, ask questions. Either it is something we have thought about and have an answer to, or it is something new for us to think about—but in a way quite different from being told what to think, what to do. If you want to state a position, play the devil’s advocate gently, from a position of neutrality instead of being contrarian or authoritarian.

And remember we are human, and subject to all the goofy, useless human behaviors, like being recalcitrant and resistant.

3.1. What’s with all the new genders?

A common question (or complaint) is, if for centuries we have been fine with two genders, why do we need all these new ones like non-binary, genderqueer, or agender?

First, not all societies limit themselves to two genders.

But even where there are two main categories, there have always been additional words that describe ways of being a gender. A young female might be described as a darling, princess, tomboy, lass, maiden, doll, babe, flapper, bimbo, debutante—the list goes on. There are also adjectives: valley girl, butch girl, ladylike girl. And that is just girls; there is another list for boys, and two more for adult men and women.

All these words convey a refined meaning of girl, boy, men, women. In the same way, new Trans terms provide refinements to the general idea of being Trans. They make it possible to describe us with richness and conciseness, similar to the way all the synonyms for traditional genders provide detail and conciseness for describing cisgender people.

3.2. Is the word “cisgender” a slur?

No. “Cis-” is a Latin prefix, often used in chemistry, that fit appropriately. Before “cisgender” was introduced, there was no good way to describe someone as “not transgender”. Now there is.

3.3. Why do I have to change introductions to announce pronouns?

I do not feel qualified to answer this question, so I will refrain from answering it. And, given how electrified this issue is, I frankly would not want to touch it with a 3-meter pole, even if I did have a good answer.

3.4. The Sports Issue

The problem is not Trans people playing in sports, it is that we have become so obsessed with sports that we can no longer see reality: sports are a game. The outcome of games is not important. We must remember this and treat them as such.

Regarding college scholarships for athleticism: I think it is messed up that getting an education requires dancing on command. We had reasonably-priced education for the Boomers, but that has been lost. Rather than worry about a few athletes dependent on athletic scholarships to afford college, it is time we fixed the affordability of higher education for everyone.

3.5. The Gender Catch-22

There’s this circle of rhetorical logic that comes most often out of conservative Christians.

They start by asserting there are “obviously” two genders, male and female or men and women, happily ignoring Intersex people. They provide the simple test of “penis or no penis” as a test of sex, then assert that males do masculine things and behave in manly ways, while females do feminine things and behave in womanly ways.

But then, we have gender variant people: those who have a penis, but display feminine attributes, or vice-versa. The Catch-22 model doesn’t accommodate this, therefore it doesn’t exist. A feminine person with a penis, they say, can’t be a woman because “he” has a penis. But “he” equally can’t be feminine, because only those without penises are feminine.

Okay, so these exceptions are something else, right? No. There are only males and females, men and women.

The problem with these folks' argument is that they’re using language to drive their perception of reality, rather than letting observation drive our use of language to describe reality. There are traditional gender roles that go with the sexes, and most people conform; nevertheless, in reality, a few of us do not. In my case, I can use the descriptor “tomboy” to express some socially-accepted non-conformity. But if there isn’t a word for it, these folks insist it doesn’t exist, and/or it’s wrong. Language’s shortcomings do not prevent anyone’s existence or define that existence’s validity.

Their insistance on the authoritativeness of language becomes confining and problematic. If I say I’m a woman, that gives one sense of who I am. If I clarify that I’m a tomboy, that gives another. The problem is, if I say that I’m a tomboy, that definition excludes skirts and dresses from my wardrobe. But that isn’t the case—after a hard day doing gardening, digging a trench, or laying a roof, I love getting a shower and changing into something floofy and cute. I am more than either definition allows.

I don’t want to choose between being being the strong gal who likes bikepacking and backpacking, and being the gal that puts on a sundress and goes dancing. I am both. But the language isn’t conducive to consisely expressing being both.

Likewise, Catch-22ers impose the clumsiness of language onto non-binary, pre-op, no-op, or other Trans variations, insisting we don’t exist. That’s not the way it should be; existence is authoritative, while language is only an approximation we use to communicate. Descriptive as it can be when the right pen is put to it, language will never express the nuances of the reality it describes. (Nor will flags ever perfectly describe our unique genders and sexualities, although we seem to be trying to accomplish that with an ever-growing variety of them.)

Catch-22ers start with definitions that don’t accommodate everyone, and from those demand that there’s only two ways of being. They expect everyone else to mold themselves to fit the model.

The problem is that not everyone fits that limited model, and the solution is not to mold everyone to fit it—instead, it’s to expand the model or allow flexibility within it to accommodate reality’s diversity of gender expression.

3.6. Regarding Children

3.7. Groundhog Day: Would I do it again?

If I had it to do all over again, remembering all I have encountered in this life, would I do it again? I know I would feel gender dysphoria trying to live as a man, but I delight in novelty. With the insight of the current generation and their make-your-own gender ways, I might choose to try something new, but exactly what, I don’t know. Perhaps I would follow a different route to arrive where I am today, or who knows, find an altogether new and interesting destination.

As for this life, I am glad to be a girl. I am happy to be at peace with myself. It’s wonderful to be free of the dysphoria that was holding me back, so that I could grow into somebody amazing. But I still have a job to do, and bills and taxes to pay. Transition can fix gender dysphoria, but it does not solve life’s other problems.

4.1. Do Trans people “Spread the Trans”?

Simple answer: no. There is no intentional effort, no covert conspiracy to encourage or persuade others to be Trans, there is nothing in the milk.

We do want to become easier for those questioning their gender to explore, so that they need not live the unhappy lives that we remember prior to transitioning. And I acknowledge a lot of Trans folk assume that transition works out good for everyone who pursues it, mirroring the religious right that assumes it works out for no one. (On the other hand, I think when we do see someone detransition for the right reasons, driven by self-understanding found during their exploration, we are happy for them.)

However, there is an unintentional influence, a feedback loop: as more Trans people have become visible, others have seen what is possible. Seeing what is possible, others have decided to transition, creating more Trans visibility.

Before Christine Jorgensen made the news, most thought there was little to be done about it. She showed there was a new possibility nobody had ever considered. And so a feedback loop began.

Take, for example, examples in my own life. Back in the late 1990s I had a job interview at Xerox. Nothing special: we talked about my credentials as a software developer, what my career goals were. Nevertheless, a few years later the interviewer ran into me on the street—now wearing a dress—and described how meeting me had changed her life. I do not remember discussing my gender in the interview. Just meeting a Trans person in real life was enough to “crack her egg.”

Another example: there is a retreat I visit most years at the beginning of summer. A few years ago while talking with cabin mates, my gender came up. My offhand comment was, “Well, I didn’t like the original equipment, so I upgraded.”

Arriving the next year, one of my cabin-mates had transitioned. My quip had, for the next month, been an earwig that interacted with long-running questions and conflicts about her gender, culminating in breaking down in tears and telling her wife. The well-known “woman in a man’s body” chestnut had never resonated, but “upgrading” did. To be fair, it was not my quip alone; she had preexisting questions. And she says her wife had at one point earlier asked if she was Trans, so she was likely “ripe.”

There are a half-dozen others that I know about, but I have no idea how many have been influenced of whom I am unaware.

It is easy to ignore possibilities when they are assumed impossible. But as the Trans community grows and becomes more visible, we demonstrate through our daily lives that it is possible to stop living a lie and create happy, productive lives in our new gender. Every one of us that does that makes it a little harder for Trans folk in denial to reject the possibilities.

4.2. Overcoming Pressure to Conform

It is hard to overcome peer pressure. When an entire society has a bundle of expectations, it is even harder.

So in addition to showing the possibilities, the increasingly visible Trans community weakens the pressure to conform blindly to the status quo, removing the taboo of being different.

And this, too, is subject to feedback: the more of us living our lives, the more the taboo is weakened, the easier it becomes for others to come out of hiding and join us.

In the 1950s Christine Jorgensen introduced us to new a possibility in an instant. But changing the status quo to make it easier has taken decades, and is a slow, gradual evolution rather than a revolution.

4.3. The Internet

Before the 'net, finding others meant looking in the back pages of tabloids or magazines, sending a letter (snail mail) of introduction and hoping you would get a response. Prior to being invited to group meetings, one-on-one vetting meetings were common. Groups only met occasionally, and at times it meant a long drive. During my exploration in the 1990s there was a cross-dresser group where I lived in Rochester, New York, but the closest group for transsexuals—the only group for transsexuals in the northeast US—was in Hartford, Connecticut, 350 miles away. That meeting regularly brought attendees from New Jersey, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and New York.

When the Internet went mainstream in the mid-1990s, all countercultures blossomed: kinky, Queer, Trans, you name it. Those previously isolated could find kindred souls online. People shared stories and advice online. You were no longer limited to seeing folks once a month at the meeting, you could talk to others every day, and without spending a day or two on the road.

Twenty or thirty years later, the Internet is bringing on a backlash of hostility. But at the time, the Internet was unbelievably liberating, and contributed to the Trans community’s growth.

4.4. Changing Language and Categories

Although the word “transgender” was coined 1965, it still was not in common use when I transitioned in the early 1990s. When I first encountered a few years later, it denoted a transsexual person who did not want surgery.

More commonly, those who studied us organized us based on motivation and interest level on switching genders. Their models usually had two genders and 4 categories: transvestite, cross-dresser, transsexual and drag queen.

I think the model affected the way we sorted ourselves: we pigeonholed ourselves according to the categories they gave us. After a bit of exploration to figure out which box we belonged in, most settled in and stayed there. Moving to a different box meant a big effort: finding new groups, new people, new places, new patterns of activity.

“Transgender” as an umbrella term came into vogue in the mid-1990s, as the Internet went mainstream. The new medium allowed faster, wider sharing of our ideas, and within a few years the old categories were on their way out, replaced by a system built with our own insight to describe ourselves.

Unlike the pigeonholes of the old system, the new system offers flexibility to explore and evolve. We can start small and take it in steps, and stop when we find a point at which we are comfortable. In the bad old days, I met a cross-dresser who assured me, if things had been different, she would have taken the transsexual route. I dismissed it as wishful thinking; if she had “really” been transsexual, she would have done it. Like many others, I had internalized the model given to me, and was biased by it—I feel bad about that. I wonder if, when the Internet changed the world, if she got out of her pigeonhole too. I hope so.

When you see statistics from the bad old days—the 1 in 10,000 numbers—they only count transsexuals. Because in that broken system, anyone else did not count—it was just their hobby or something.

4.5. New genders

In addition to allowing easier exploration, the new gender model has a better array of destinations. In the old model, you were transsexual, or you weren’t eligible. If you weren’t 100% committed to switching genders, having surgery, and putting it behind you (ideally by going stealth), the HBIGDA folks would not consider you a candidate. Such a way of life was not legitimate in their eyes. No hormones for you. Transitioning was not advisable.

It is very different today; the gender model is more inclusive and more flexible. Not 100% certain about genital reconstruction? Explore hormones and see how that makes you feel. Want to explore hormones, even if you are not the least bit interested in affirmation surgery? That is fine too. You will need to work with a therapist a few months to make sure you are sane, but exploration is okay. Hell, exploration is expected. How else are you going to figure out exactly where you belong without trying?

This change of attitude and/or regulation has expanded who counts as transgender. We are no longer counting only the transsexuals.

I will admit that, as someone transsexual, I find some of the new genders foreign. Switching genders was a solution to a problem, not a way of life. I like having a fixed gender now—why would you want to flip-flop on your gender? Putting transition behind me was a huge weight off my shoulders. I could put all the stress and contention behind me and move on. Why would anyone want to live with the issues unresolved, or live in gender no man’s land? How would you ever find peace being genderqueer, 2-spirited, or non-binary?

But I am also cognizant that this is my perceptual limit, and not grounds for imposing constraints on others. If being living in the middle or being flexible day by day makes others happy, good for them. Maybe I do not understand it, but that does not make it wrong. Freedom, after all, is not just for me.

4.6. Other factors

There are a number of other factors that affecting the number of visible trans people.

Transsexual invisibility

In the past, HBIGDA pressured us transsexuals to transition and “go stealth,” i.e., hide our past. But even when we chose not to hide, it is not something we continue to talk about every day. Our success makes us invisible, and in the bad old days when being transsexual was the only choice, our disappearance after transition could make it seem like we did not exist at all.

Surviving

Statistics have shown a long-running, high incidence of suicide among Queer and Trans youth. However, as our societal acceptance grows, more survive to be counted.

The AIDS epidemic

While gay men are not Trans, some Trans women step through the Gay community along their way. Surely that was more common in the past, when the Trans community was tiny and even more ignored than the Gay community. I suspect a lot of proto-Transwomen were wiped out by the AIDS epidemic.

If it seems like being Trans is more frequent among younger folks, consider how AIDS culled the pool of candidates among late Boomers and early Gen Xers. Furthermore, had they been there to be counted, Trans visibility might have been gradually increasing through the whole period.

4.7. Summing up

There are a lot of factors contributing to an apparent rise in Trans people, but essentially it is a matter of increased visibility, and more of us willing to take the risk to life genuinely, rather than hide away living quiet, lonely, isolated lives.

In response to this, some of our opposition thinks we should return to a time when men were manly, and women baked cookies for them. This just seems stupid and counterproductive, and makes me wonder: if they are so secure in their identity, why would they be worried about this?

I think that instead, relaxing the masculine role to be more inclusive would be a better option. Being a woman, I am allowed to be a tomboy and flex my butch, power-tool using side. If that was not allowed, would I instead identify as non-binary or two-spirited? For men, I think the complementary term to “tomboy” might be “sissy”, but it comes with a negative connotation. If the stigma was removed, might it be easier for more to adopt that identity, and stay in the men’s camp, instead of heading down the Trans path in search of comfort and acceptance?

5.1. Asking questions is not transphobic

There is a swath of the community that feels we should not have to explain ourselves. Those that ask us questions, in their eyes, are being rude, invasive and transphobic.

Rude and/or invasive, possibly; transphobic, no. The amount of information available about us is growing rapidly as we assimilate with the mainstream, but the most easily available information is often incomplete, inaccurate or outdated. People still have questions about the hows and whys of being Trans. So despite the rudeness, invasiveness, or inconvenience of questions, if we want to be better understood, we should to answer them.

In most jobs where I have worked, word that I am Trans has gotten around. There is an awkward period: they know, but it is unspoken; everyone is afraid of offending me. Everyone “walks on egg shells,” and it is uncomfortable, nervous the wrong comment might trigger a landmine. Eventually, somebody can’t stand it anymore and breaks the ice with a question, or I break the ice with a self-deprecating wisecrack.

Once the ice is broken, there is a period of questions as the fear of offending me dissipates. As co-workers become less timid about interacting with me, it becomes possible to get to know each other. Maybe in an ideal world, it would not be that way—but this is not an ideal world, and we need to work with what we have been given. Answering questions improves things.

And regarding the most invasive and most detailed questions: they come from closeted Trans folk. Folks who had believed it impossible, and having me working or eating or biking or board-gaming alongside them afforded an opportunity they’d never before had: to learn about fulfilling their dreams.

When we refuse to answer questions, we are inviting continued exclusion and misunderstanding. Yelling at questioners or declaring them transphobic ensures the awkwardness will remain unresolved. And we are quite possibly doing harm to our fellow Trans folk by depriving them of information that could help them find a better, happier, more fulfilling life. We should do better.

5.2. Be strategic in our approaches

In recent years, there have been several incidents (a few locally in Rochester) where colleges have brought speakers into a university, only to have their lecture prevented, interrupted or shouted down by activists. An example of this is Jordan Peterson at McMaster university in this video on YouTube.

This worries me, because in these days of ubiquitous cameras there is always someone close enough to get a recording of the presenter. It allows the presenter to turn the tables on us, using the background of our hoots and hollering, to frame us as crazy people unwilling and unable to engage in a real debate.

And it is tempting to believe, because we are acting crazy. Instead of silencing their message, we play into the message.

We need to be more strategic in our activism. We need to consider how the things we do can be seen in the eyes of others.

To be fair, I do not think I represented us well when I was young. I wanted to do something, and so I often went along with any protest because it seemed like anything was better than doing nothing. But after years of watching what has been effective, and what has been counterproductive, I have learned that doing the wrong thing is more detrimental than doing nothing. The adage about there being no such thing as bad PR is wrong, at least for us.

I am not saying we all need to become conserviqueers and limit ourselves to stodgy letter-writing campaigns; I believe that different forms of activism work together to make progress. But we should consider our message—and the form of delivery, because that effects how the message is received—to make sure we are not doing more damage than good.

5.3. Cancelling is a double-edged sword

Cancel culture (formerly “shunning”) often seems to be effective in making hate speech disappear.

But is it really gone? As much as I prefer not to listen to queerphobic nonsense, and it is nice to have it gone, there was one advantage to it being out in the open: we could talk about it, and thereby challenge the insane assumptions. We could expose its wrong-headedness.

I fear that cancelling sometimes just pushes it to some dark corner of the Internet, where it continues and festers into bigger problems. Discussions distill it into more potent hate speech, and unchallenged, it suckers in new believers, spreading it around.

I can not deny the short-term niceness of not having to listen to hostile lies and misinformation about us. But I fear one day we are going to realize all we were doing was sweeping the problem under the rug, and regret it.

5.4. Communicating well matters

Given that shouting down public intellectuals and cancelling our other foes is not a solution, what is the answer?

We need to learn to communicate well—better than our foes. It may not always be easy, because although we have truth, fairness, liberty, justice and kindness to work with, they can lie and slander and appeal to people’s baser instincts. We need to study their messages, and be prepared to refute them. And no, “I’m proud” does not count—it may work as a rallying cry, but it is not an convincing argument.

Learning to construct and present an argument is a skill that is built slowly, strengthened and honed through practice. It means reading and studying others' writing to study their strengths, then replicate them. If we want to win, we need to be smarter, better than our opponents—and we need to put in effort to make ourselves smarter and better.

5.5. Demonstrably living

If somebody tells you one thing, but it is at odds with what you’ve seen them do, which do you believe? For example, if somebody at work assures you they will have a task done by Friday, but they have a history of being late, will you expect it to be ready on Friday? I wouldn’t rely on it.

Activism as a way of swaying people only goes so far. It is direct. It is telling them how we think they should think, and why, and hoping they will come around. Words can only go so far, and likewise, protests are limited.

So one of the ways I have done the most good in representing us has been living an upright, honorable life. I attend some protests, write a few letters, publish essays here and other kinds of agitprop elsewhere—but in my day-to-day life, whether that is interacting with neighbors, coworkers, shopkeepers, waitstaff, I do not lead with Trans or Queer aspects. (On the other hand, I don’t hide anything: I will happily hold hands on a walk, and occasionally while waiting for food I will nuzzle and/or and kiss my partners.) I try to be a cooperative neighbor, a productive coworker, a hassle-free shopper and a polite customers.

As a neighbor

Keep my property clean and maintained. Greet neighbors when I see them. Know them by names. Listen when they have concerns. Bring concerns concerns directly to them, without being accusatory, and try to find resolutions. Watch out for their kids and pets.

As an employee

Work hard and use your intelligence. Don’t do a half-ass job or slack off, which dumps extra work on co-workers. Help someone if you see they need it.

As a consumer

Don’t be a “karen”. Don’t hassle the cashier: if there is a pricing mistake, understand it is usually company dysfunction. Raise issues with managers, who have authority to fix things (and are paid for the hassles that come with being management). Be patient and reasonable.

In general

Be polite, patient, and compassionate. Treat others well. Have patience when others make mistakes. Be honest, and admit when you are wrong or made a mistake. Apologize. Be fair, not greedy. Show intelligence and wisdom. Know your values and demonstrate them in your choices and actions. Take responsibility when you break or damage something. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Follow through on promises. Avoid repeating mistakes.

Using these suggestions, I’ve opened a lot of minds with my neighbors and co-workers. Before me, most neighbors and co-workers had no exposure to Trans folk other than those on talk shows and characters in TV shows. Showing myself to be a kind, approachable person made it possible for them to get to know me, and through that replace their uncertainties and stereotypes with a positive representation. It may not directly put laws on the books, but over the last 30 years, I believe it has made a lot more people accepting and understanding of Trans folk, benefiting those who came after me. Hopefully, some of them have had similar effect, making it easier for those still to come.

Additionally, striving to live up to my code of ethics has made me a better person. Living an upright, honorable life makes me feel good about myself. This is a win-win situation.

Perhaps I am describing something better classified as social change than political change—but in practice, they are linked. And, since this grass-roots approach works by doing the right things, it is easy to get started, the ongoing costs are low, and although the gains are small they occur in the short-term. The top-down approach requires legislation, which requires lobbying organizations and money and a lot of political power. And the one-on-one social change will make the political change easier, because when their constituents are more open to change, the representatives will be more willing to vote for it.

5.6. The Counter-productivity of fighting idiots

Or, Knowing When Not To Fight

There is a parable, The Donkey and the Tiger: a donkey and a tiger go to the lion to resolve a dispute over the color of grass. The lion sends the donkey away free; he leaves, repeating as he goes, “The grass is purple! The grass is purple!” because he thinks he has won.

Although the tiger correctly declared the grass is green, he is punished with 3 days silence. “Why?” he asks the lion.

“Because,” says the lion, “you have wasted my time, and you are only making yourself look foolish arguing with that ass over something we all surely know.”

Q-anon conspiracists, the Westboro Baptists, flat earthers, young Earthers: arguing with them just makes you look stupid, and it is a waste of your time and energy. (Although we all fall into these fights occasionally.)

We do need to oppose the lies and misinformation that spread about us, but sometimes that is not confrontation. Getting into arguments with them just gets their hackles up, which incites them to continue, sometimes gives them fodder, and at the same time makes us look stupid for arguing with dumbfucks.

5.7. Summary

6.1. Gender Thought Experiment

Starting with the question, “Would you want me in the men’s room?” this video continues on to exposes flaws in the binary gender assumption and gender constancy assumption as it breaks down “assignment at birth” as an effective gender identification method.

6.2. Being Trans: A Long-Term perspective

A video variant of this essay, with much overlapping and some variant content.