Advice for Suitors

You have an uphill battle. History has sown a distrust of strangers, especially men because I know your culture and its attitudes of conquest, persuasion and seduction. Honesty and trustworthiness go a long way, but they are hard to establish/validate in a world of presentation, images and marketing. Exhibit the former, avoid the latter, and know that trust takes time.

I am more than a fetish toy, so treat me as such. You are more than a fetish toy, so behave as such. Online is one thing, real life is another.

Real life is not porn. I have no problem with porn, conceptually, but the woman-degrading dialog and attitude are grating. Sex should not hurt, or if it does, it should be a pleasant and consensual pain. Furthermore, I am more than a willing hole into which your dick fits. Again, online is one thing, real life is another; unless we’re role-playing, show respect.

Fapfiction is plentiful. If I want a story to tickle my taco, I’ll find one written with care. One-handed, sentence-fragment texting with you does not compare. Real relationships are far more than sexting. Don’t waste my time with it; if that’s what you want, go find an online relationship.

Dick is plentiful and low value. If that’s all I want, I can have all I want, anytime I want. I don’t care how great you think yours is, there’s plenty more like it. Same goes for your tongue and, unless you’re a concert pianist, your finger skills. And honestly, if that’s all it’s about, my vibrator is better and easier. Sexual ability is low-priority criteria when forging relationships.

Garbled messages do not earn my interest. You don’t necessarily have to write as well as me, but make an attempt. Proofread. Use paragraph structure. When using dictation software, check its translation and punctuation. In meatspace, a first impression consists of your manner of dress, whether your clothes are clean, whether you showered recently and how you carry yourself. Online, it’s what you say, how you phrase it, grammar, and spelling. Make it count.

Fill out your profile. It’s the lazy way to do things: when you message anyone, your profile is one click away so you don’t need to repeat everything already said in there. A well-written profile also suggests you’re serious, and provides a first inkling of trust. Suggested topics: a little about yourself (kink and non-kink interests), your kink history/experience, what you’re looking for. Appropriately using FetLife markup gets you bonus points. Select a few representative fetishes (but don’t go crazy; nobody slogs through 125 lines of paragraph-free fetish list). The groups you have joined and your activity history also say things about you. If you need profile inspiration, look at mine or the 80% of my friends’ that are well fleshed-out. And avoid stupid disclaimers for the University of Sydney and the like.

Read profiles. It’s another lazy way to do things: if interests don’t align, relationship needs are incompatible, I’m already taken or we live on opposite sides of the planet, there’s no reason to start serenading me. If an account has no profile, no friends, no activity, no fetishes, and the single Welcome-to-FetLife group it’s probably a defunct account and you are unlikely to get a response. Put your effort where there’s best chance of payoff.

And if you repeatedly find yourself making some excuse to disregard nearby people, with common interests, who are active in the real-life scene, then face reality: you’re only pretending you want a real-life relationship.

Greet with a custom introduction. It needn’t be too long, since I can easily look at your profile. State what you’re looking for, why you think I should take an interest in you, and where you think the spark could be between us. Don’t use a template message, or if you do, customize it to our shared interests. Offers are like spam for me; to gain my interest, you need to send something more than a form mail fuck offer. Be civil, respectful and polite.

Read and post personals. Use FetLife’s search feature to find permutations of { your city, your state or province, your country, your fetishes } + { “personals”, “classifieds”, “hook up” }. When you post an ad, include your age/sex/location in the subject of fetish-based groups, and your age/sex/interest in the subject line of location-based groups. Tailor message content to the specific group you’re posting to.

Make the time and show the hell up. If I suggest lunch today, I understand when you can’t make it. But when I list several times I’m available, and you hem and haw at all of them, that indicates you’re not serious and I lose interest. Instead, counter with times that work for you. Stick to your commitments and show up, because if I’m stood up, you’re probably not going to get another chance. Quality companions are rare, and I’m not going to find one wasting time on dead-ends—so dead-ends get culled quickly.

Sex is dangerous. Contracting AIDS would mean expensive drug cocktails for the rest of my life. Contract HEP C means chemo that will provide years of suck, and impact my health for the rest of my life. Herpes is a permanent inconvenience. Syphilis, HPV, gonorrhea, and all the rest are no fun either. Yes, I know there are condoms. But you know what? Despite wearing my seat belt, I don’t drive recklessly. Same principle. I love my health and the freedom it gives me, so I’m not risking it on a quick lay. Trust takes time.

There are bad people that don’t respect consent or safewords. You may not be one of them, but I don’t know that. Obvious creepy guys may be avoided, but there are also suave guys that pass themselves off as nice until it’s too late. I truly hope this never happens to me, both because of the psychological trauma and because sex is dangerous. To help ensure that, I defer play until establishing a trust commensurate with the risks. Again, trust takes time.

Establishing trust. Joining me to a munch or going out with friends shows you’re in this for more than a fuck, and observing you in different contexts helps establish trust. Playing in a trusted venue, where there are dungeon monitors or people I know who will step in if necessary, may provide an earlier opportunity to play or act as a stepping stone to private play.

Sexuality is fractal. It has been said that if you like sex with goats on fire, you can find a group for that on the Internet. I’ll take that one step further: find that forum, and there will be a heated debate on whether the use of incendiaries improves things, and among the pro-incendiary fans, a passionate discourse on pros and cons of various propellants and the best moment for ignition. It’s very rare that two of our sexualities are an exact match, and even less so when we look at our personalities as a whole. My dream partner is another me, but that’s impossible. No matter how similar our sexualities seem on the macro level, the devil is in the details. To optimize enjoyment, we’ll need to talk about our fantasies and nuances, and provide for the other’s peculiarities. Hooking up is not the end; good communication, including feedback and critique, will make this better for both of us. That means being specific about needs, and listening to the other’s comments.

I love geeks. Geeks are often clumsy with social interaction (especially when it comes to romance or sex), so I feel less manipulated. We’re also intelligent and often techy, so there’s common ground on which to build a friendship. When able to overcome introversion, geeks are usually well-spoken and can carry on an interesting conversation (i.e., something other than the latest sports scores). The trouble is, we’re sometimes so timid it limits opportunity for things to start. If you’re geeky, know that I’m one of you and I feel awkward too. If you don’t do research, you’ll never find an answer. So screw up your courage, pursue possibilities, or nothing can ever develop to fruition.