The Loan Skit  for The Looneys Hack Show  Episode 3 - Money
by Kevin Brayton

CAST
	robber	Jordan Grandits
	bankrep	Peter Barella

Scene: Bank loan office
       A man in a suit is sitting behind a desk (Mr. Epo).

Epo: <presses button on intercom> Send in the next person, please.

<A man, also dressed in a suit, who looks slightly suspicious, enters the
 room>

Epo: Come in.  Sit down.  My name is Mr. Epo.  How can I help you this 
     afternoon?

<They shake hands and the customer (Mr. Obber) sits in a chair opposite
 Epo>

Obber: I'd like to get a loan.
Epo: All right.  That's what I'm here for.  What type of loan are you
     interested in?  A personal loan?  Home improvement?  Business loan?
     A student loan, perhaps?
Obber: Well, I'm interested in getting a loan for business improvements.
Epo: What type of business do you have, Mr. -uh- .....?
Obber: Obber
Epo: Mr. Obber
Obber: I rob banks.
Epo: Ah, I see.  Not a very reliable line of work, is it?
Obber: It's not bad, but it could be better, which is why I have come to
       apply for a loan.
<Obber leans forward enthusiastically>
Obber: I saw this show on TV last night, you see.  And it said that I
       could earn twice as much money if I used a real gun when I was
       robbing banks.  They had lots of charts and things.  It all looked
       very impressive, let me tell you.
Epo: So, let me see if I've got this right.  You want this bank to loan
     you money so you can go out and buy some guns to rob banks with.  Is
     that right?
Obber: <smiles> Exactly.  I've tried the no-budget approach to robbing banks,
       but no one takes a water pistol very seriously these days.  It doesn't
       work too well, you know.  
Epo: Yes, I see your point.  Well, then, let's get down to the paperwork.
<Epo pulls out a piece of paper from his desk and starts writing on it>
Epo: <to himself> Last name, Obber.  First name....
Obber: Robert
Epo: <to himself> Robert.  <to Obber> First of all, how much money are you
     interested in borrowing?
Obber: I had something like $2000 in mind.  That would buy a reasonably
       fearsome-looking piece of hardware, I think.
Epo: <writing> $2000.  <looks up> OK.  Now the bank needs to know something 
     about your background.  Past employment, average income, and that sort 
     of thing.  How long have you been in the bank robbing business, Mr. 
     Obber?
Obber: 3 years
Epo: <writing> 3 years.  <looks up> And what is your average annual income?
Obber: Oh, I don't know.  I never really bothered to add it all up.  
       Something like $50000, I'd say.
Epo: <writing> $50000.  <looks up> How much did you earn on your largest
     bank robbery?
Obber: $500.
Epo:  What?  Only $500?  How many banks do you rob in a year?
Obber: Only three.  Uh, I mean two.  I rob them once a week.
Epo:  With a water pistol?
Obber: With a water pistol.
Epo:  OK.  When and where was your last robbery?
Obber: About an hour ago, across the street.
Epo:  So that's what all the fuss was about.  <writes stuff on paper>
      Well, that's about it.  We can process the application while you
      wait, if you like.  It should only take 15 minutes or so.  I don't
      see much problem with it.  You can wait in the lobby.
Obber: I'll wait.
<Obber leaves>
<Epo leaves>

15 minutes later

Epo is back in his office with Obber.

Epo:  Congratulations, you were approved for a $2000 loan.  It is repayable
      in monthly installments of only $85 for 24 months.  If you wish to
      pay off your loan early, you may do so and save interest payments.
      Here is your payment book and your check for $2000.
Obber:  Thank you.
<Obber gets up.  They shake hands.  Obber leaves>

2 weeks later

Scene:  bank teller's window

<Obber walks up to the window and hands the teller a piece of paper>

Obber: <smiles> Good morning.