The History of Sink!

You’ve probably played Sink whether you’re a Discordian or not. Nearly every child has been introduced by their parents or peers: place a floating object in the water, then hurl things at it until it sinks. When it does, you yell, “I sunk it!”, get excited, and often throw in a fresh target. Though simple in its nature, it’s hard to tire of Sink as we age.

But from whence does Sink originate?

We must turn to the years following Luxemburg’s Treaty of Brunn in 1364, a character named Brother Shateed, a member of the Duchy. He was dismissed by many as a privileged member of the aristocracy because of his delight in hot-dogs with mayonnaise. In practice, however, Shateed could not help but feel concerned about the peasantry: he felt it was a waste of resources to use as many as 8 peasants' entrails in construction of a single trebuchet. Seeking out a way to improve the current design, he eventually succeeded in a modification that reduced peasant entrails to 5. Seeking protection of his intellectual work, he applied for a patent.

Unfortunately, the 14th century Patent office rejected his application, declaring that this “improvement” would only lead to an overabundance of peasants which would in turn either lead to an uprising, institution of social democracies, formation of collective bargaining strategies by the excess workers, or the invention of silicon wafers that could think. His invention, in their eyes, was an abomination.

Unhappy with the decision, Shateed gathered his some 400 peasants and began plans to form his own country with a patent office more receptive to the entrepreneur. After construction of a fleet of ships, military training and the construction of a dozen catapults, the remaining 340+ strong force set forth to cross the English channel, the first step of which was disassembling their ships for overland transport since Luxemburg is land-locked country. After transporting the materials to the coast and reassembling the fleet (a process that reduced forces by 60 more due to poor rations planning and dysentery), they were underway.

By the time they set sail to conquer their would-be “Luxendon”, news of the idiotic venture had traveled far and wide, and the Brittons were quite ready for their arrival. Shateed and company were welcomed by members of Richard II’s government and presented with low-interest-rate financing options, a guarantee of Shateed’s Patent, and a copy of the tax code. This was seen as a win-win situation: Richard II badly needed tax income and war machines to support continuing war with France, and Shateed sought profit from his invention, and the peasants preferred to avoid being slaughtered in any fighting.

After cannibalizing most of his fleet to build workshops, and more of his workers to build catapults, Shateed was soon profitable, even when considering the high taxation and the short supply of usable peasant entrails in the aftermath of the black plague. In celebration of being financially in the black, however, Shateed sought out a hot dog from a food truck, only to find that while intestine-wrapped ground meets were readily available, mayonnaise was in short supply.

Leaving the business in charge of the dwindling number of peasants, Shateed set sail in the last remaining ship of his fleet to find some mayonnaise.

Without being lorded over by the 14th-century equivalent of an MBA, the peasants held a meeting. Tired of poor wages and working conditions, and the ever-present risk of being slaughtered and turned into a war machine, the peasants implemented a continuous improvement process, an employee-sponsored health-care system, profit-sharing and 401(k) matching contributions up to 2% of income. Coordinating with local butchers, they substituted parts and reduced the need for peasant entrails from 5 to 2 per machine, a supply that could be fulfilled through grave robbery.

Afraid their master would revoke or steal their improvements, and repulsed at his proclivity to ruin perfectly good meat by-products by slathering them with mayonnaise, the peasants awaited the return of Shateed. On the fifth of May, 1384, Shateed’s ship was lost with all hands, victim to his peasants' improved trebuchet design when it was sunk in the Cliffe harbor to cries of “Sink the Mayo!”

In celebration of their victories, Sink became an annual tradition at Shithead & Co Traybeushays' summer picnic for the next 3 years, after which the business was wiped out due to a careless grave robbery of a plague victim. Nevertheless, by that time, Sink had found its way into Discordian culture, and from there into popular culture, where it remains to this day!

And that is a really true story of Sink!