Those Kinky Peanuts Kids

So Hollywood is making a Peanuts film, and I’m sure it’ll be an abomination. Partly because everything the mass entertainment industry produces is horrid, but also because they’re totally going to miss the undertones of the original comic: a bunch of kinky kids figuring life out as they grow up.

What, did you never notice? Are you vanilla or something?

Linus, with the security blanket and the thumb in his mouth. I’ve heard vanillas attribute this to his being gay; I find it obvious he’s an ageplayer, an adult-baby, and just as soon as he’s old enough to go buy them he’ll be back in diapers too. And since that muddles the divination of his sexual orientation, I’m reserving judgement there.

His sister, Lucy? The one who bosses him and everyone else around all the time? So self-confident that she is the Worlds Foremost Authority on everything that she has a walk-up psychiatrist’s stand? The one who knows the Right Way to do everything, and is always instructing everyone else on how to do their jobs rather than doing anything herself? That is, unless she’s instead verbally berating Charlie Brown for his incompetence. Clearly, growing into a Dom of some sort.

And you’ll notice Charlie Brown never objects, and keeps going back for more humiliation. Enough said.

His “dog”, Snoopy. The sort of anthropomorphic one. A dog that wears goggles, really? No, he’s not a fucking real dog. He’s a goddamn furry in a puppy suit and furthermore into some serious World War I role play. Why else do you think Peppermint Patty is always calling him “kid”? She’s not half-blind.

The half-blind one is Marcie, slave to the softball-playing, tomboy top Peppermint Patty. And good training she has: always showing proper respect to Peppermint with Sir this and Sir that. Now does that mean Peppermint is Trans? I’m honestly not certain. Personally, I always read it as just proper respect, and “sir” goes with the tomboy angle. But, I can see how you would go the other way, too. Given the strip started in the 1950s and had to slip under the radar of vanilla culture for 50 years, it’s arguable the author had to be subtle about these things.

Five. This character from the 60’s isn’t one of the main ones, but the objectification of a number for a name lays it out clear as day.

Sally? To young to tell. Perhaps she really is innocent, or maybe the author wanted to throw in a vanilla to balance things out. But she does have a thing for Linus, so maybe in time she’ll grow into a mommy-domme? But I’m speculating here.

Schroeder, I admit, doesn’t exhibit much; he just buries himself in his music—which I take as his crutch to maintain self-repression over whatever perverseness he’s got going on. Given how hard he works at it, it’s gotta be something good, too. Perhaps he’s really the gay one? He certainly shows little interest in Lucy, despite her clinging around him—but is that a crush, or is she fag-hagging him?

Franklin was added in the 60’s to balance the races in the comic, but I never got a kinky vibe off him. So perhaps he’s just token.

And lastly, Pig Pen. Kid’s clearly goes to way too many sci-fi and comic-book conventions. Show me one that doesn’t have at least one booth hawking some floggers in some corner of the vendor’s room, and doing okay at it.

So screw this new Hollywood blockbuster they’re making, but when It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown comes on in a few weeks, raise your glass (or a s’more stick if Linus is your hero and role model) to Charles Schultz, who produced this kinky pop-culture wonder for over 50 years, which has continued to slide underneath vanilla culture’s sensors for 65 years now.